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Personalities

That’s My Vader…

Some days you’ve got it, other days you don’t. And some days, you’re the dark lord of the Sith. What it would be like if Darth Vader spent a day in his shoes, speaking only in memorable quotes from the original Star Wars.

7 a.m.

Vader wakes to the ear-piercing blare of an alarm clock, blocky red digits screaming in his face. He attempts to turn the alarm off, fumbling awkwardly and sending the clock crashing to the floor with a THUD. This provokes an annoyed stare from my wife, sleeping to his left.

Wife: Christ!

Vader: Don’t act so surprised, your highness.

Wife: You’re going to wake the baby up, idiot.

Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Baby: [crying] Mama!

Wife: There you go! And your breathing kept me up all night, by the way.

Vader: Today will be a day long remembered.
 

7:03 a.m.

Vader rises, fully clothed, masked and helmeted. He glares at my wife, inhales and exhales menacingly, and departs the room, cape sweeping dramatically behind him.
 

8 a.m.

Vader hovers over my wife, breathing angrily as she dresses the baby. As one article of clothing is applied, the baby swiftly removes the previous article, dropping it to the floor and laughing.

Wife: [shaking fist, feigning anger] You’d better be good, young lady!

Baby: You go away!

Vader: The Force is strong with this one.

Wife: Why don’t you go let the dog out?

Vader: [exhales powerfully and spins dramatically, whipping his cape behind him and knocking a framed picture to the floor] Don’t underestimate the Force.

Wife: And make sure the gate is closed!

Vader: Escape is not his plan. I must face him. Alone.
 

8:15 a.m.

My wife and baby stand at the front window laughing as Vader chases the dog up and down the block. Minutes later he appears at the back door, holding the dog in a chokehold high above his head.

Wife: Put him down!

Vader: I have you now!

Wife: You’re scaring the baby!

Vader: [gently easing the dog to the ground] The Force is strong with this one.

Wife: You already said that.
 

8:45 a.m.

Vader drops the baby off at daycare, without incident.

Vader: [to self] She may be of some use to us yet.
 

8:50 a.m.

Vader stops for coffee and a paper.

Store Owner: That’ll be $1.50.

Vader checks his pockets, realizes he has no pockets, breathes ominously.

Store Owner: Hello?

Vader: [staring intently at the store owner] Your powers are weak, old man.

Store Owner: [slumping to the floor] Take it! Just take it.

Vader: [leaves store dramatically, customers shuddering in his wake] Don’t underestimate the Force.
 

9:10 a.m.

Vader arrives at work.
 

9:15 a.m.–Noon

Vader drinks coffee, reads paper, inhales and exhales forebodingly.
 

1 p.m.

Vader arrives for a lunch meeting with a client.

Hostess: Can I help you, sir?

Vader: [standing at the door, leering into the crowded restaurant] I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since—

Hostess: [backing away] Do you have a reservation?

Vader: [looming over hostess] A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.

Manager: [approaching] Sir, is there a problem?

Vader: [seizing manager telekinetically by neck, lifting him high above the crowd] You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! [lowering the manager to the ground, glaring at the hostess] Take her away!

Client: [waving from table] Hey, over here!
 

1:15–2:30p.m.

Vader shares an enjoyable lunch with my client, during which they discuss the jump into hyperspace, beamed transmissions, and a hidden rebel base. The client has the Cobb salad. Vader has a tuna melt and picks up the tab.
 

3:30 p.m.

Vader returns to my office and naps.
 

6 p.m.

Vader arrives at our house. He bursts through the front door dramatically, grabbing my wife by the shoulders.

Vader: We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you last I was but the learner. Now, I am the master!

Wife: What the hell are you talking about? Where’s the baby?

Vader: [spinning dramatically, cape whipping my wife in the chest] Leave that to me.
 

6:20 p.m.

Vader sits at a red light, staring at himself in the rearview mirror. My baby laughs at him from the backseat.

Vader [sighing, defeated]: Today will be a day long remembered.
 

Rob Eccles spends endless hours looming over a keyboard in the murky depths of his basement office creating works of varying merit. A contributor to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, he is currently shopping his first novel, “a tale of Life, Death, and Identity Theft” tentatively titled The Poggendorf File. You can reach him . More by Rob Eccles