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May 06
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What Think-Piece Writers Get Wrong About Lobotomies

The web is full of pundits looking to turn every topic into think-bait. One writer commits himself to thinking much, much deeper.

We live in the golden era of thinking. At no time in the history of civilization have so many thoughts from so many minds thinking about so many things been so widely available through so many thought-through think pieces. This is a democratic and altogether salutary publishing trend. However, as a prolific think piece writer myself, it’s only right that I pause to consider the innate advantage that qualifies me for this noble calling: a fully functioning brain. 

Therefore, being possessed of a decent healthcare plan and the ethical imperative to check my cerebral privilege, I drafted a will and scheduled an appointment to undergo a transorbital lobotomy the following afternoon. I also pitched my editor beforehand; no way was anything but by brain getting scooped.

To observe the lobotomy’s effect on my think-piece processing, I requested that a compilation of scenes from Gone Girl, Oscars telecasts, and Miley Cyrus music videos be shown on loop during the procedure. Once in the operating room, I exchanged pleasantries with the charming staff—no Nurse Ratcheds here—before a doctor thrust a pick through my eye... Continue Reading

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Today’s Headlines

May 06
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