Arm in arm, Rosencrantz (hereafter ROSE) and Guildenstern (hereafter GIL) enter a tiny, simple chapel and face an empty altar. They are well dressed. They are well groomed. They are confused. They are in good spirits, despite all.
ROSE: Why are we waiting?
GIL: That is the question?
ROSE: What are we waiting for?
GIL: That is another question?
ROSE: (Reaches deep into his coat pocket, pulls out a large coin. He flips the coin, calls it midair.): Heads.
GIL: That’s 78 in a row.
ROSE: This coin has two heads.
GIL: We have two heads.
ROSE: Do you remember that deck of cards?
GIL: I do. Clean-shaven Kings. Bearded Queens.
ROSE: And all those Jacks! Forty-four Jacks!
ROSE Flips coin again.
ROSE and GIL (Together.): Heads.
ROSE and GIL (Forgetting the coin, together.): Jinx!
GIL: Please insert another quarter. For the jinx machine is out of order.
ROSE (Checks his wristwatch.): Many people are late today.
GIL: We are people. We are on time.
ROSE: The invitations?
GIL: Mailed months ago.
ROSE: The RSVPs?
GIL: Received. Only a few came with regrets.
ROSE: Those protesters outside came early.
GIL: They had to fashion signs.
ROSE: Everything is a sign.
GIL: Everything is fashion.
ROSE: Except those dear protesters.
GIL (Checks his wristwatch.): This is very much like a play.
ROSE: Everything is play. We earn no wages.
The Judge said it was the most reasonable ransom note he’d ever read.
GIL: Marriage is play.
ROSE: Marriage is an errand.
GIL: The Judge said it was the most reasonable ransom note he’d ever read.
ROSE: It was a license for marriage that we both did sign.
GIL: True that.
ROSE: And you have the rings?
GIL: You mean nooses.
ROSE: That’s a borrowed cliché.
GIL (Clears his throat to deliver this line.): Borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
ROSE: That is not your line.
GIL: Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue.
ROSE: Are we here?
GIL: (Makes no reply.)
ROSE: Am I talking to myself?
GIL: You are talking to myself.
ROSE: Is it not today?
GIL: And do you, Rosencrantz, take me, Guildenstern?
ROSE: I have taken you many times, and you have took me.
GIL: But here, in this church, will you take me?
(They are interrupted by a church bell.)
ROSE: Do you hear that?
GIL: I do not hear a bell, if that’s what you’re asking.
ROSE: Oh, well. If you must marry, marry a fool.
GIL: Who said that?
ROSE: I said that.
GIL: But you did not say it first.
ROSE: I did not hear it repeated. Did I say it twice?
GIL: I say, We will have no more marriages.
ROSE: We will have ours.
GIL: We have had ours.
(Simultaneously, they look at their hands and see that they are wearing wedding bands.)
ROSE: Marriage means mischief.
GIL: Marriage means tragedy.
ROSE: Tragedy. Comedy. History. Pastoral. Pastoral-comical. Historical-pastoral.
GIL: Urban hip-hop sit-com. Agit-prop rom-com. Lifetime docu-drama. ABC Afterschool Special.
ROSE: Tragical-historical. Tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable.
GIL: Neo-noir. Retro-grindhouse. Chickflick. Arthouse sci-fi. Spaghetti western.
ROSE: A poem unlimited. Marriage cannot be too heavy, nor can it be too light.
GIL: You can’t be too rich and you can’t be too thin.
ROSE: For the law of wit and the liberty, these are the only men.
GIL: We are the only men…here.
ROSE: And I already know the sequel to this our wedding day.
GIL: I know it too. But what shall we call it?
ROSE: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dads!