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The Election

I Am Paul, Paul I Am

Preparing for Thursday’s vice presidential showdown, Republican candidate Paul Ryan consults Theodor Seuss Geisel to simplify his message so that even a child—or American voter—can understand.

Franz Jantzen, Babalocha detail #2. Courtesy the artist and HEMPHILL.

I am man.

I am man,
Paul I am.

Like Ayn Rand,
Like Ayn Rand.
But unlike her
I offer a manly plan.

Do you like
human eggs and JDAMs?

I do like them,
Paul I am.
I do like human eggs
and smart bombs used in far-off lands.

Would you like them
in our land most fair?

Because I would like them
everywhere.
Bombs and babies (without
rainbow flair).
I do so like
human eggs and hetero man
and you will, too,
thanks to my plan.
My master plan.
Paul I am.

Would you like abortions
in your house?
Or marriage laws
that let man lay with mouse?

I would not like a man-mouse
in my house.
Or baby-busting by those
who wear a blouse.
No, I would not like them
here or there.
And especially not in
my well-combed hair.
I do not like these things, for I am a man.
I do not like them, Paul I am.

Who will pay
for Obamacare?
Who amongst us
wants to share?

I do not share
my hard-earned coin.
Or indiscriminately spill
seed from my loin.
Not with a mouse
Or in my childhood house.
Not with a blouse
Or some liberal louse.
No, I would not share with a man
Who until last year was Ken-yan.

Would you? Could you?
Cut taxes on a whim?
Cut them! Cut them!
I yell from my P90X gym.

I could cut them
so easily
and divide our deficit by three.
But don’t ask now
how this would come to be.
Elect me and I’ll answer
on December three.

Now, GOP followers, listen close,
for here’s the part I do love most.
It’s where I revisit today’s themes
and buff Mitt’s dome to a blinding sheen.

I do not like man with mouse.
I do not like man canoodling in a blouse.
I do not like the government.
I do not like it one bit.
I do not like it anywhere
Except in bedrooms
where only man and wife can lay bare.

These horrible things
are not in my plan.
My manly plan
for Paul I am.

Jack Loftus is a humorist, editor, marketer, and former journalist with work published at McSweeney’s, Thought Catalog, Gizmodo, GamePro magazine, and the Portsmouth Herald. To make ends meet, he spends most of his time creating whimsical things as an ad guy at the Boston-based agency Hill Holliday. More by Jack Loftus