Lettters From the Editors:
Andrew Womack
Andrew Womack
Stage Directions, 12 June 2006
Pornography Soap Operas Movies for the Lifetime Network Voiceovers & Commercials Reality Shows Movies for Other Cable Networks Television Hosts (Most) ↑ OUTSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO ↑ ···································································· ↓...
Attention Screenwriters, 17 March 2006
I've noticed an abundance of horror films over the past few years, the premises of which involve a thing that somehow somebody gets a hold of that winds up killing...
Itchy, 16 February 2006
On the subway this morning, I saw somebody reading one of the free dailies. The cover headline, referring to the Cheney hunting accident, read, "Triggy Dick." Ah, so they mean...
Merchandising Your Very Heart and Soul, 2 December 2005
We used to offer T-shirts around here. You may have noticed. Hey, maybe you even bought one. And thank you if you did. If you wanted to but didn't, it...
News About Three Writers, Two of Whom Are Really Real, Really, 8 October 2005
Last night’s Gary Benchley party for recently, author-ially outed Paul Ford was a complete success. Thank you to everyone who was able to make it. And thank you also to...
New Writers, an Employment Opportunity, More, 5 August 2005
We're very pleased to announce the addition of two new contributing writers: Jessica Francis Kane, whose gardening column here at TMN, Notes from the Lawn, is a constant source of...
Planning, 18 May 2005
I am surrounded by so many to-do lists that it seems like I always have a lot more to do than I’d prefer to believe. In fact, as soon as...
Boxed-In, 26 April 2005
On the right side of my computer desktop I have a number of folders, each of which contains files that I have something to do with right now. Previously, these...
The More You Earn, the Less You Learn, 4 April 2005
Entering day two of working at home, I recognize there are a lot of things that magically happen, without your recognizing it, when you’re regularly going into an office. One...
Recent Holiday Travel, 24 January 2005
A frazzled woman struggles to keep her three children from running wild through the magazine shop, and finally screams, “Tyler! Jackson! Monroe! Front and center, now!” A man, presumably her...
You Should Not Reach ______, 17 November 2004
Over the sneeze guard, in line ahead of me, at the burrito place, to indicate you want salsa verde, after I saw you wipe your armpit Between the car seats,...
Art is Everywhere, 28 October 2004
In line to pay for lunch. The woman in front of me hands a credit card to the clerk. The clerk looks at the card, which has an image of...
Hackery Smackery Doo, 22 October 2004
Have you heard enough about Jon Stewart’s appearance on Crossfire yet? Yes? Well I’m sorry, because here’s one more opinion, and I really want to share. Jon Stewart’s position is...
Bolivian Brain Rot, 4 October 2004
Signs that you got sick by talking to that person in line at the ATM, even if you’re not totally convinced you’re coming down with something: —Sweat, both warm and...
Every Day, Yesterday, and Today, 16 September 2004
The Starbucks has outdoor seating. Every day a man, presumably homeless, sits in the chair closest to the door. He smokes, giggling constantly, full-out laughing in spurts. Yesterday a different...
Punchlines: Lost & Found, 8 September 2004
I spent Labor Day weekend by a lake upstate with friends. One afternoon we were lying on a dock, when a duck swam by and disappeared around the bow of...
Memo From Warner, 2 September 2004
From TMN Contributing Writer John Warner… As a liberal, I never thought I’d say this, but here it is: I feel sorry for President Bush. Politicians lie. We know this....
Perplexing Figures, 19 August 2004
So I’ve noticed a puzzling link that seems to be doing the rounds lately, and it’s a mind-boggler, based on what I’ve seen. And “seen,” as it turns out, really...
Places of Worship, 13 August 2004
An after-dinner call from a friend on Thursday evening. I pick up the phone. “Hello?” “Hey, what’s up?” “Nothing much.” “Well, there’s a new bar that just opened. And it’s...
Frequently Asked Questions, 30 July 2004
Hello? Are you there? How are you? What? Sorry? What’s up? Excuse me? Pardon me? When? Come again? What’s going on? Where? What do you mean? What’d you say? Huh?...
Rendezvous Houston, 6 July 2004
—The flight out of New York has been delayed because “We’re sorry, our plane hasn’t shown up yet! Grab yourself something to eat and sit tight! But don’t go far!”...
Introducing Claire Miccio, 28 June 2004
After spending the past school year abroad in Scotland, where she learned how to fall asleep during a drum ‘n’ bass marathon, how to appreciate football, and how to stop...
We are Mainly Ians & Ans, 7 June 2004
Last week we published a link in our headlines wherein we used the word “Indianaian” to describe a person from Indiana. This, according to our eagle-eyed copy editor, Kate Schlegel,...
Hugs Without Love, 1 June 2004
Saturday, 3:00 p.m., Washington Square Park [clean-looking man wearing a tight T-shirt rushes over; he’s not making eye contact] “Would you like a hug today?” “No thanks.” [he rushes off,...
The Deli After Work, 21 May 2004
‘Listen, I gave you a twenty!’ The clerk takes a step backwards. ‘No, you didn’t. You gave me a ten. This is it right here.’ ‘No, you switched it out....
Past Due, 30 April 2004
Editing should be, especially in the case of old writers, a counseling rather than a collaborating task. The tendency of the writer-editor to collaborate is natural, but he should say...
Big Loser, 8 April 2004
After one too many Pepsis and a rash of difficulty choosing a song to download from iTunes, I decided to post my second winning cap number here, free, for anyone...
More on Winning, 6 April 2004
Despite my hopes of collecting enough free iTunes songs to score a full album, I simply can’t drink that much Pepsi. I half-gave up after browsing for albums I might...
Big Winner, 1 April 2004
At long last, with Diet Pepsi stained teeth and a week of trouble sleeping, I’ve bought (and consumed) enough bottles to finally win an iTunes song. ‘One in three wins,’...
Short-Term Memory, 25 March 2004
Recently I was faced with a crisis. Not a major crisis, but one where skill and memory were of utmost importance. This steak is supposed to be cooked to temperature,...
24 Hours of Weird, 23 March 2004
I’ve never, ever, ever had a 24-hour stomach flu. At least not that I can recall. I’ve heard about them, sure, and always thought, hey, what a lucky break. I...
Bootlegging, 18 March 2004
Those DVDs you see all over New York, the ones the guys sell on the sidewalk – with the Xeroxed covers and all that – the ones you walk by...
Limericks with Texas City Names in Them, 16 March 2004
There was a girl who moved to Corpus Christi Who told everyone, ‘Call me Misty’ Which wasn’t her name But it was all just the same Since last week she...
The Weekend Never Comes, 12 March 2004
Sometimes the hope for the weekend seems just around a corner you’ll never turn. Likewise, the weather in New York has been bumpy, up and down, leaving everyone without a...
The City is Smarter Than We, 11 March 2004
Last night I stepped onto the platform at 14th Street, ready to be on my way home to Brooklyn after a long day in the city. So were the other...
Obsessive Groceries, 1 March 2004
At the grocery store around the corner, Saturday afternoon. There are four stacks of baskets. No clear contender, since each of the baskets on top contains a piece of trash:...
Living the Lifetime, 20 January 2004
What better way to spend a long winter weekend inside, terrified to leave your home because your snow boots still haven’t arrived in the mail and your front sidewalk is...
Holiday Thanks, 5 January 2004
Of all the great gifts I received over the holidays, many of the best didn’t arrive wrapped in colorful paper, or inside cards with weird Christmas-y sexual innuendo (‘Mrs. Claus...
So, I Understand You Have a New Book?, 24 November 2003
Friday evening, November 14, 2003, kitchen ‘Hey there, welcome! Glad you could make it.’ ‘Glad to be here, thanks!’ ‘Well, the pleasure’s all ours, really.’ ‘Think nothing of it....
The Commuter’s Apology, 22 October 2003
To the woman on the train wearing flip-flops: I’m sorry I almost stepped on your toes. I understand that the danger may have warranted the mock look of pain, a...
Fab?, 26 September 2003
I was too late, and it was such a good idea for a story. Sorry, everybody. There could’ve been massive laughs, if done properly – at least a few chuckles, if even...
Big Decision, 11 September 2003
The decision has been made. It’s a step into the unknown, the mysterious. But it’s time. IT IS TIME. Goodbye Hotmail, farewell Spam-City. I’ve been considering this drastic move for...
Gags I’d Like to See in Movies/TV, 3 September 2003
Sometimes all you’ve got is a gag, and no plot. And that’s exactly what I’m providing to you here (no charge) with some guesswork as to the surrounding circumstances that...
Later, Summer, 2 September 2003
Summer wasn’t all it could have been cracked up to be, is the way I’m looking at it now. I hate to poo-poo it, since it’s hardly ever worth true...
Blackout!, 15 August 2003
The lights flickered, the computer blinked out (but not before I saved my Word doc! Ha!) there was a weird ‘chirping’ sound coming from outside the building. Something was definitely...
Guys Near My Work, 7 August 2003
Near my work there are these two parking lots. Well, one’s a lot and the other’s a garage, actually. But still, they’re in competition for any passing vehicles looking for...
Getting Warmer with John Warner, 21 July 2003
As we continue the staffing additions around here, we are happy to announce that John Warner, the inimitable, intimidating, and intransigent writer of this lot here (and about fourteen-billion other...
Loving the Yeti, 14 July 2003
It is with no small amount of joy that I introduce our new contributing writer: he of Defective Yeti fame, and writer of these fine stories here, Matthew Baldwin. Here...
Feats of Strength, 1 June 2003
As many of you must already know, Rosecrans is getting married soon. So soon, in fact, that his bachelor party was last night. Though we avoided getting a woman to...
You Are My Best Friendster, 12 May 2003
Um, Friendster? No, I haven’t heard of it. Oh, I see. Well, obviously this is just some online dating thing. I don’t get it – why do you want me to sign...
Maybe, Just Maybe, 12 April 2003
It’s finally spring in Brooklyn. Which means it’s a good time to brew up a pitcher of iced tea. I like five bags, mainly hot water (for the steeping, not...
Queue And Not You, 3 April 2003
I am a poor manager of my Netflix queue. I realized this yesterday, when I received two emails from Netflix telling me that they’d received the last two films I’d...
Juror No. 4, 24 March 2003
Last week I was called up for jury duty. It was not at all unexpected. I’d already been sent the cheerful pink-and-white card twice over. Both times I’d postponed. And...
Seven Pounds, One-and-a-Half Ounces, 1 March 2003
Anna Blakney Sutton, friend, artist, illustrator for The Morning News, and now: Mom. We are excited beyond belief to introduce her daughter Iris, born today, 1 March 2003, at 5:37AM....
A New Career in a New Town, 19 January 2003
I recently took a new job in Lower Manhattan, which is, in my belief, one of the most extraordinary Manhattan locales. An area totally unknown to me (I still can’t...
Snow Day, 5 December 2002
It’s been snowing all day in New York. And real snow this time: not all that business the meteorologists kept on about in the past few weeks. ‘Get ready, folks:...
Good Things Come in Small Packages, 3 December 2002
I love holiday shopping. Picking out presents, crossing the names off the list, wrapping all the gifts. Every year it seems an insurmountable task. Every year it’s accomplished far too...
Wed, 18 October 2002
I married in Texas on 5 October 2002. If I can remember that date, I’ll do alright come anniversary time. But that’s jumping too far ahead for now. It was,...
No Place Special, 26 August 2002
I don’t leave New York all that much. Last week I went to California. I’ll just say: I didn’t fare so well. And I really do think there was something...
To California! To the Future!, 1 August 2002
The seat’s a little on the small side, but you get a personal television screen on Jet Blue. This is, I believe, about the only good thing about the airline....
Superwad, 18 July 2002
Wad Gets Shirt. ...
Redesign, 8 July 2002
It’s always had the headlines. That was how it started. That was really why it started. And, naturally, it had to have a nice design. Blogger was our first publishing...
Power, 18 February 2002
A mispronunciation by President Bush in Japan today caused the yen to lose value against the dollar. White House officials quickly said Mr. Bush had ‘mis-spoken’ and he had meant...
Superbowl, 4 February 2002
Yesterday afternoon I was riding home on the subway after a fairly unsuccessful day (the day was just altogether unsuccessful), when three college students – two men, one woman –...
Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, 30 January 2002
I’m a bit of a cereal freak. And now I have the only guide I’ll ever need: The Empty Bowl. In addition to recipes, reviews, and ‘The Crunch Test,’ The...
Domestic Operating System, 28 January 2002
Last night, upon seeing the new iPhoto ad on television, Melissa looks over at me and asks, ‘Why don’t we use iPhoto?’ ‘Because you have to be running OS X...
Death Wish/Nothing, 22 January 2002
This morning while exiting the subway terminal, a man, well-dressed – to get straight to the point, quite normal-looking – was ascending the stairs next to me. Jamming his way...
Confusing Design Caught with Its Pants Down, 9 January 2002
For the second time I spent the first part of a week in DC and – for the first time – I rode the Amtrak Acela, perhaps best described as...
Office Holiday Party, 17 December 2001
It’s that time of year again, it’s probably sometime this week, and, rest assured, you’re going to make an ass of yourself: the office holiday party. Consider these Office Party...
Commute, 6 December 2001
Yesterday on my way to work I saw a man, possibly in his seventies, helping someone dressed in a full chicken costume out of the back of a van. After...
Return from PA, 25 November 2001
It was a long, long trip on a long, long train back from Pennsylvania today. Got home – famished and exhausted – dropped the bags, walked deliriously to a favorite...
Noise Pollution, 17 November 2001
This morning I went to my favorite local coffee shop for a bagel and some (okay, a lot of) coffee. I was distressed to find this newly posted sign in...
Wad, 15 November 2001
I curse, you curse, we all curse. But for the imaginative cursers out there, we offer you The Alternative Dictionaries. It’s for those special occasions when you need to know...
The Man Inside, 29 October 2001
Overheard Sunday morning; a man on a cell phone: What’s her name? Yeah? What’s she like?Huh. Well, I’m more of a leg man, myself. More of a leg man/ass man....
Life (and Product) Fulfillment, 24 October 2001
Is your life complete? Didn’t think so. Loyal reader (and Freedom Trailer Product Positioner) Bob Bennet suggests you look into purchasing a tent-trailer from Freedom Trailer. Ref: compact tent trailer...
Overheard Email, 18 October 2001
Yesterday a friend of The Morning News received this random, unsolicited email: Hello.I am interested in purchasing a urinal. Any for sale? Any ideas?ThanksArmandoWell, Armando, I would suggest the American...
I’m a Survivor, 22 August 2001
Richard Hatch, the winner of the first Survivor show, was arrested yesterday in a domestic dispute with his boyfriend. How interesting is this? Well, the answer is ‘not too.’ In...
Marketing, 8 August 2001
I love end-of-the-world/paranoia/disaster movies – you know the ones: Planet of the Apes (the original, thanks), The Omega Man, Soylent Green (why these all have Charlton Heston in them I’ll...
Ask the Audience, 12 July 2001
Richard Rosner, a former ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ contestant, is suing the show because he claims that the correct answer to the question that knocked him off the...
Posh, 26 June 2001
The man who put up the cash to build the first New York City subway line (from City Hall to 145th Street) was one August Belmont, Jr. He so loved...
Message Board, 8 June 2001
Hershey’s has a children’s site, called Kidztown, that features a message board that allows users (presumably children) to post questions, one would guess, generally related to chocolate. Some of the...
Go Away, 19 March 2001
I’m from Austin. And every year thousands of record execs and related debris descend upon the fair city in that grand tradition that is known as South by Southwest. Well,...
Socio-Cultural Environment, 8 March 2001
Don’t know if you’ve seen the ads for this band ‘Crazy Town’ (what kind of a name is that? no, really?) on bus stops around town, but I just took...
Nuclear Holocaust, 23 February 2001
The ’80s were a lot of things, and one of the things it was was (perhaps) unrealistically horrifying, what with all the movies about post-nuclear-war wastelands (hey, there was even...
Grammy/Uh…Television, 21 February 2001
Ah, it was a Grammy Award ceremony to behold. And, yet, it was completely without point or interest. And (and yet), I watched it. Well, except for the part that...
MP3 Revolution, 6 February 2001
We heard that you like MP3s. We also heard (from the Coalition for the Future of Music) that everyone’s favorite recording industry entity ‘is forming a pool under the title...
Mirwais, 27 January 2001
Interesting site concept (it’s faux-Mac OS (which I like), it’s scribbled, it’s hot pink, it’s neat-o), but let’s do without that banner ad, eh? I mean, we’re already on the...
Music/Economics, 24 January 2001
There’s been talk about how a suppressed economy (read: right now) will nurture a musical environment that is more focused on quality and musicianship. And the only example anyone seems...
‘Is This News?’, 4 January 2001
The Associated Press ‘reported’ the following in Salon Magazine: Cindy Crawford prefers ‘smart,’ Jennifer Lopez prefers ‘sexy’ Jan. 3, 2001 | NEW YORK – When asked whether she prefers to...
Democratic Par-tay, 15 December 2000
For anyone who saw this morning’s edition of the New York Daily News, you know that Al Gore really cut loose at his post-concession get-together. Though the event was, initially,...
