Joshua Allen

TMN Contributing Writer Joshua Allen is a complex and exciting young man. He is a hard worker and always gives 110 percent. He is a people-person unless that person is a crab and not pulling their weight for the team. If enthusiasm and get-up-and-go are drugs, then he’s a hardcore drug addict. He’s pretty obviously an only child. He lives in Fireland, USA.

Two Minutes and 42 Seconds in Heaven

How many horn solos does it take to kill a perfect pop song? JOSHUA ALLEN applies science and taste to determine the exact best length—down to the second—for the platonic song, including a full mix tape of samples. (Op-Ed | April 16, 2008)

This Is Not a Eulogy

This is an appreciation. Our friend, writer, editor, and teacher LESLIE HARPOLD recently died. A memorial for a woman who was difficult to describe—and who couldn’t stand sentimental bullshit. (Profiles | December 18, 2006)

A Word of Advice

‘Tis the season of graduation ceremonies, when many will be told it’s the first day of the rest of their lives. THE WRITERS disagree, and offer the ultimate commencement speech. (Spoofs & Satire | May 4, 2006)

The Non-Expert: Haircuts

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week JOSHUA ALLEN gives us the skinny on some of the best tress-work he’s sported in the past, all relevant details included. (How To | December 5, 2003)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

TiVo’d

Technology can be a scary thing, in the wrong hands. Luckily, there’s help. Joshua Allen sees an analyst about a problem with his personal video recorder. (Stories | September 15, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: Plan 63

With its credibility in the weeds, the White House must find a way to restore its public image before the next election. Veteran reporter Joshua Allen gives us a priviliged glimpse into what’s being planned. (Stories | July 25, 2003)

I Live in a Motel

Travelers know what to expect from a motel: not much, besides pornography. When writer Joshua Allen is forced to live in one for a month, he finds a bit more to appreciate. (Opinions | June 2, 2003)

Josh’s Creepily Prescient Oscar Picks

It’s Oscar time again. But before you drop your paycheck in the office pool on who will snag Best Supporting Whatever, peruse Joshua Allen’s dead-on predictions for the winners. (Personalities | February 26, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Can’t Get a Break

In the second installment of our Jeremy Bitz: Unlucky Man series, JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN detail a list of extremely unfortunate events in the life of one man. (Stories | January 28, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Has an Afternoon of Gross Misfortune

Some people are born lucky, others attract misfortune. Unfortunately for Jeremy Bitz, he’s the prince of the latter camp. JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN report on how a few hours can ruin a young man’s day. (Stories | January 16, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Santa Claus

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week THE WRITERS determine once and for all the existence of Santa Claus. (How To | December 20, 2002)

Mix Tape for Dead Girl

Writing a eulogy used to involve hours of revising and a good thesaurus. Joshua Allen opts for a cassette of field recordings and madrigals instead. (Stories | December 11, 2002)

Customer Serviced

The holidays are approaching, and mail-order is king. Gifts, however, are no good unless there’s someone to take your order. Joshua Allen reports from a call center at one of America’s largest retailers. (Stories | November 20, 2002)

Friends’ Bands I Have Known

For two years, you thought your college roommate’s band was going to hit the big time. Then you were sober again. Joshua Allen remembers the bands that didn’t even come close. (Stories | November 4, 2002)

Scary Stories

In celebration of Halloween, we’ve asked all the Contributing Writers to share a scary story. Here then, seven ways to get freaked out. (Stories | October 31, 2002)

Rosencrantz & Joshua

In a contemporary re-telling (not really) of Romeo & Juliet by email, ROSECRANS BALDWIN and JOSHUA ALLEN find their love with gratuitous profanity. Note: Contains very bad language. (Stories | October 9, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000

The hottest new toy is the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000, a vibrating broom proving popular with lots of little girls. Industrial investigator Joshua Allen reports on its insidious development. (Stories | September 11, 2002)

The Alaina Rautio Interview

A controlled rainstorm, dolls that come to life, an accidental fire. Joshua Allen talks with architect Alaina Rautio about a house she built in a bottle in Portland, Maine. (Personalities | August 27, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Operation Fish from Hell

The U.S. has many problems right now, but its deadliest threat can grow to three feet long: The Chinese Snakehead. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen goes deep undercover to get the government’s reaction to a meat-eating snake. (Stories | July 31, 2002)

Brenda Stahler Gets Married

Falling in love is no joking matter; falling in love with your best friend’s girl is ass-whuppin’ time. ROSECRANS BALDWIN and JOSHUA ALLEN recall the woman that came between them. (Stories | July 18, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Minority Report Trailer

Big-budget movies require big-budget marketing, and you can bet every second of the trailer is accounted for, in impact. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen gets the inside scoop on Steven Spielberg’s new flop. (Stories | June 13, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Pirates & The Navy

Once the scourge of the seven seas, now fuel for ARGHHH… jokes and the parrot industry, pirates seem better suited for Disney World than the Atlantic. However, the Navy was attacked last month by a band of unwashed scurvyites. Landlubber JOSHUA ALLEN reports. (Stories | May 28, 2002)

Songs From the Big Chair

Music can inspire nostalgia, assigning memories to songs we relish, or would prefer to forget. Elephant-minded JOSHUA ALLEN remembers each track from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears and sifts the music for a little personal history. (Stories | May 7, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Oprah Cancels Book Club

The fate of literature has always been uncertain. In recent times the path seemed secure, guarded by Updike and Barnes & Noble tote bags. Then, disaster struck. Publishers crashed their Mercedes, agents sold their leather blazers. Veteran investigator Joshua Allen reports on the tragedy from within Oprah’s private chambers. (Stories | April 12, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: President Bush Merges Agencies

Shadow governments, merging powers, churches and children: It’s no secret that power breeds concealment. Yet behind the veils of rhetoric, simple men and women are simply doing business, PowerPoint and all. Ace reporter JOSHUA ALLEN was the only correspondent to hide behind a large curtain during a recent press conference and discover that even the mighty have their foibles. (Stories | April 3, 2002)

The Ten Days of Christmas

I’m fingering bath balls like Captain Queeg. Mom’d prefer the, the what, the Serenity, maybe? Or the Sandalwood Rejuvenation? Or better yet just go for the pre-wrapped basket with the goat’s milk soap and lavender sachet? Joshua Allen decks the halls. (Stories | December 16, 2001)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

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