How To
The Non-Expert: Dreams and How to Dress for Them
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK helps analyze your dreams, or maybe just his own, and offers a handy chart that tells you what to wear depending on the temperature. Yes: “handy.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- Boats We Missed (Of Recent Note)
- The Hot ______ of the Summer (Of Recent Note)
- Staycations (Of Recent Note)
Also by Andrew Womack
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
Also in How To
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* * *
Question: I recently got engaged, and I had a dream a few nights ago in which I had sex with my ex-girlfriend. Do you think I should be worried? —Tim
Answer: Not at all. In fact, Tim, after doing some research online I see lots of people dream about having sex with your ex-girlfriend. Ha! Ba-dum-bum.
Really, though, the content of our dreams can mean as little or as much as we want it to. You could pay somebody to figure it out, but does it really matter what some high-priced society headshrinker thinks of your deepest, most intimate thoughts? No—which is why you asked us for help instead. Lucky for you, I’ve been studying some of my “weirdest”—or, as that professional analyst would say, “most significant”—dreams over the past few weeks, and I believe I’ve arrived at a few conclusions about myself because of it. Here’s what I’ve found.
My dream: I am back at college, and I’m in class, about to take an exam for which I haven’t studied. I am also completely naked.
My analysis: It’s a good thing I studied for all my tests—because that naked guy failed out freshman year.
My dream: It’s a normal day, I’m living my life as I currently know it—yet my dog, who I had all while I was growing up, and who died ten years ago, is alive and well and living with me.
My analysis: The dog represents the lost dreams of my childhood, my hopefulness and youthful ambition. Without a dog, I am doomed to fail. But with a cat…could I rule the world?
My dream: I’m flying—without aid of any technology—over a beautiful landscape.
My analysis: This is a remarkable improvement over the dream where I keep falling… and falling… and falling…
My dream: I am playing gin rummy with Abraham Lincoln.
My analysis: I’ve been over at Sarah Vowell’s game night way too much lately.
My dream: My teeth are falling out.
My analysis: Because I have a latent fear of flossing.
My dream: I am walking through the forest, along a narrow footpath, and I arrive at a river. I wade through the river and get out on the other side. I continue, across an open field, until I reach a wall. I climb over the wall and continue until I reach a house. I walk up to the door; it is unlocked. I enter.
My analysis: Not sure yet.
My dream: I am at a publishing party and my mother is there. She begins beating me with that week’s issue of the New Yorker and force-feeding me Tic-Tacs.
My analysis: Actually, this is based on a real incident.
My dream: I am in an abandoned city. I soon discover that I am the last person alive on Earth.
My analysis: My new workout routine must be right on the money.
My dream: I’m in a red-curtained room with Kyle MacLachlan and the dwarf from Twin Peaks.
My analysis: I thought they’d be much taller in person.
My dream: I am having sex with Tim’s ex-girlfriend.
My analysis: Just kidding. Ba-dum-bum.
* * *
Question: This is driving me crazy. One day it’s hot and the next it’s kind of cold. So my question is: Should I bring a jacket or not?—Laura
Answer: Don’t go crazy. Instead: Go compulsive. After all, how often have we left the house thinking it was colder than it really was, only to be trapped, drenched in sweat, in a thick wool outerthings? Or thought it was warmer than it really was, only to have that same aforementioned sweat freeze to our backs? The answer—just about every day. But no more! Because now every morning when we look in our closet and try to decide what to wear that day, we’ll instead turn to this chart we’ve worked up (which is actually useful, or at least on the same level as those gripper devices that get tight lids off jars).
Note: All temperatures are in Fahrenheit, because the Ford administration figured we didn’t know any better. As it turns out, they were right.
The Non-Expert’s Guide to Dressing Yourself
Question: I recently got engaged, and I had a dream a few nights ago in which I had sex with my ex-girlfriend. Do you think I should be worried? —Tim
Answer: Not at all. In fact, Tim, after doing some research online I see lots of people dream about having sex with your ex-girlfriend. Ha! Ba-dum-bum.
Really, though, the content of our dreams can mean as little or as much as we want it to. You could pay somebody to figure it out, but does it really matter what some high-priced society headshrinker thinks of your deepest, most intimate thoughts? No—which is why you asked us for help instead. Lucky for you, I’ve been studying some of my “weirdest”—or, as that professional analyst would say, “most significant”—dreams over the past few weeks, and I believe I’ve arrived at a few conclusions about myself because of it. Here’s what I’ve found.
My dream: I am back at college, and I’m in class, about to take an exam for which I haven’t studied. I am also completely naked.
My analysis: It’s a good thing I studied for all my tests—because that naked guy failed out freshman year.
My dream: It’s a normal day, I’m living my life as I currently know it—yet my dog, who I had all while I was growing up, and who died ten years ago, is alive and well and living with me.
My analysis: The dog represents the lost dreams of my childhood, my hopefulness and youthful ambition. Without a dog, I am doomed to fail. But with a cat…could I rule the world?
My dream: I’m flying—without aid of any technology—over a beautiful landscape.
My analysis: This is a remarkable improvement over the dream where I keep falling… and falling… and falling…
My dream: I am playing gin rummy with Abraham Lincoln.
My analysis: I’ve been over at Sarah Vowell’s game night way too much lately.
My dream: My teeth are falling out.
My analysis: Because I have a latent fear of flossing.
My dream: I am walking through the forest, along a narrow footpath, and I arrive at a river. I wade through the river and get out on the other side. I continue, across an open field, until I reach a wall. I climb over the wall and continue until I reach a house. I walk up to the door; it is unlocked. I enter.
My analysis: Not sure yet.
My dream: I am at a publishing party and my mother is there. She begins beating me with that week’s issue of the New Yorker and force-feeding me Tic-Tacs.
My analysis: Actually, this is based on a real incident.
My dream: I am in an abandoned city. I soon discover that I am the last person alive on Earth.
My analysis: My new workout routine must be right on the money.
My dream: I’m in a red-curtained room with Kyle MacLachlan and the dwarf from Twin Peaks.
My analysis: I thought they’d be much taller in person.
My dream: I am having sex with Tim’s ex-girlfriend.
My analysis: Just kidding. Ba-dum-bum.
Question: This is driving me crazy. One day it’s hot and the next it’s kind of cold. So my question is: Should I bring a jacket or not?—Laura
Answer: Don’t go crazy. Instead: Go compulsive. After all, how often have we left the house thinking it was colder than it really was, only to be trapped, drenched in sweat, in a thick wool outerthings? Or thought it was warmer than it really was, only to have that same aforementioned sweat freeze to our backs? The answer—just about every day. But no more! Because now every morning when we look in our closet and try to decide what to wear that day, we’ll instead turn to this chart we’ve worked up (which is actually useful, or at least on the same level as those gripper devices that get tight lids off jars).
Note: All temperatures are in Fahrenheit, because the Ford administration figured we didn’t know any better. As it turns out, they were right.
| Outside it’s… | Remove… | Add… |
| 90° and up | nothing | short pants, T-shirt, sandals |
 |
||
| 89°—75° | sandals, short pants | jeans/trousers, socks, shoes |
|
||
| 74°—65° | T-shirt | long-sleeved cotton shirt |
|
||
| 64°—55° | nothing | cotton jacket |
|
||
| 54°—45° | cotton jacket | wool jacket |
|
||
| 44°—40° | nothing | wool sweater |
|
||
| 39°—30° | wool jacket | wool overcoat, scarf, gloves, hat |
|
||
| 29°—20° | wool overcoat | down-filled coat |
|
||
| 19°—10° | shoes | insulated boots |
|
||
| 9°—0° | nothing | thermal underwear top |
|
||
| Below 0° | nothing | thermal underwear bottoms |
|
||
| 0°—9° | thermal underwear bottoms | nothing |
|
||
| 10°—19° | thermal underwear top | nothing |
|
||
| 20°—29° | insulated boots | shoes |
|
||
| 30°—39° | down-filled coat | wool overcoat |
|
||
| 40°—44° | wool overcoat, scarf, gloves, hat | wool jacket |
|
||
| 45°—54° | wool sweater | nothing |
|
||
| 55°—64° | wool jacket | cotton jacket |
|
||
| 65°—74° | cotton jacket | nothing |
|
||
| 75°—89° | long-sleeved cotton shirt | T-shirt |
|
||
| 90° and up | jeans/trousers, socks, shoes | sandals, short pants |
|
||
—Published April 22, 2005
