How To
The Non-Expert: Anchorless
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, as we witness the retirement of Brokaw and Rather, ROSECRANS BALDWIN helps a rudderless reader pick a new broadcast journalist to trust for his news.
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Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Question: No more Brokaw, no more Dan. WHAT IS THE FREQUENCY NOW?? I’m not kidding. I hate Peter Jennings. WHERE DOES AMERICA TURN NOW, MORNING NEWS DUDES???? —F.B.
Answer: America turns…off its televisions. In a long, suddenly quiet night, people from Oregon to Florida truck their Zeniths to the curb. Families begin speaking after dinner. SAT scores skyrocket nationwide, and the newspaper industry—the written word—surges back. Saul Bellow reports being savaged by groupies demanding his schlong. In blue states and red the divorce rate plummets, anti-depressants go unswallowed. The electric-shaver industry folds. Jason Alexander takes Broadway by storm and makes billions as history’s greatest Hamlet; Jerry Seinfeld plows his new Porsche into a wall downtown, dying instantly and barely missing Kelly Ripa, who is standing on the sidewalk under a piano being hoisted on a dangerously thin piece of frayed rope.
Or not. In case the latter proves true, here’s a guide to picking a new broadcast journalist to trust:
Diane Sawyer (ABC)
The journalist men love to compliment for her brains and gumption—once they’ve checkmarked the “babe” box. Though Sawyer once worked as a weather girl, she also helped Nixon with his memoirs, and managed to offend even Republicans with her lack of nuance during an interview with Howard Dean and his wife. In other words, she’s a natural.
Positives: Terrorizes politicians by squinting
Negatives: A voice that launched a thousand naps
Andy Rooney (CBS)
Sunday night’s most popular crank, Rooney has been a fixture on 60 Minutes since he reported on Lee’s surrender at Appomattox. His achievements include inventing both the word “curmudgeon” to describe himself, and fire. Rooney has reputedly never expressed an insight that anyone found insightful.
Positives: Bushy eyebrows enable him to fly
Negatives: He died in the eighteenth century
Barbara Starr (CNN)
Nationally and internationally unknown by name, Starr is a Pentagon correspondent for CNN who has been featured in its broadcasts twice, with her face obscured for lack of perkiness. Intelligent and well-informed, she has worked in the wrong field for 16 years. Was convinced by stylists to wear denim and leather to “perkify” her image.
Positives: Will probably uncover the next Pentagon Papers
Negatives: Made of frump
Tim Russert (NBC)
Russert is the king of Meet The Press, an NBC news program considered the most rigorous and influential of the political interview shows. Its format is emulated throughout the industry: Host respectfully asks a politician a softball question with multiple exits; politician ignores question and opens party-rhetoric spigot all over a different issue; host nods respectfully—always respectfully—and moves to the next question. Repeat.
Positives: So sublimely intelligent you can barely see his brain working.
Negatives: Sweaty. Resembles pork
Bill Moyers (PBS)
The anchor of NOW With Bill Moyers, a news program produced for schools that use in-class TVs instead of teachers. Unrecognized by even his children. Has never been called “the next Anderson Cooper,” but dreams about it.
Positives: Sways in place when no one’s looking
Negatives: Writes books
Wolf Blitzer (CNN)
Bearded, bespectacled, and born with a name to shame sex actors, Blitzer is widely loved by travelers waiting for their flights to board. Won an Emmy in ‘96 for his coverage of the Oklahoma City bombing, a tragic disaster forgotten by 88 percent of Americans. So sexy even children faint.
Positives: Will anchor CNN until new correspondent “Buck Savagewood” breaks his neck
Negatives: Wrestles guests during commercials
The Staff of Fox News Aside from Greta Van Susteren (FOX)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
Positives: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Negatives: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
The popular comedian at the helm of The Daily Show, Stewart is frequently mistaken—often by himself—for a news anchor. Believes television can be a force for good, yet also believes he’s got a shot at a late-night chair; clearly he’s a lunatic.
Positives: Not Craig Kilborn
Negatives: Not tall
Question: No more Brokaw, no more Dan. WHAT IS THE FREQUENCY NOW?? I’m not kidding. I hate Peter Jennings. WHERE DOES AMERICA TURN NOW, MORNING NEWS DUDES???? —F.B.
Answer: America turns…off its televisions. In a long, suddenly quiet night, people from Oregon to Florida truck their Zeniths to the curb. Families begin speaking after dinner. SAT scores skyrocket nationwide, and the newspaper industry—the written word—surges back. Saul Bellow reports being savaged by groupies demanding his schlong. In blue states and red the divorce rate plummets, anti-depressants go unswallowed. The electric-shaver industry folds. Jason Alexander takes Broadway by storm and makes billions as history’s greatest Hamlet; Jerry Seinfeld plows his new Porsche into a wall downtown, dying instantly and barely missing Kelly Ripa, who is standing on the sidewalk under a piano being hoisted on a dangerously thin piece of frayed rope.
Or not. In case the latter proves true, here’s a guide to picking a new broadcast journalist to trust:
Diane Sawyer (ABC)
The journalist men love to compliment for her brains and gumption—once they’ve checkmarked the “babe” box. Though Sawyer once worked as a weather girl, she also helped Nixon with his memoirs, and managed to offend even Republicans with her lack of nuance during an interview with Howard Dean and his wife. In other words, she’s a natural.
Positives: Terrorizes politicians by squinting
Negatives: A voice that launched a thousand naps
Andy Rooney (CBS)
Sunday night’s most popular crank, Rooney has been a fixture on 60 Minutes since he reported on Lee’s surrender at Appomattox. His achievements include inventing both the word “curmudgeon” to describe himself, and fire. Rooney has reputedly never expressed an insight that anyone found insightful.
Positives: Bushy eyebrows enable him to fly
Negatives: He died in the eighteenth century
Barbara Starr (CNN)
Nationally and internationally unknown by name, Starr is a Pentagon correspondent for CNN who has been featured in its broadcasts twice, with her face obscured for lack of perkiness. Intelligent and well-informed, she has worked in the wrong field for 16 years. Was convinced by stylists to wear denim and leather to “perkify” her image.
Positives: Will probably uncover the next Pentagon Papers
Negatives: Made of frump
Tim Russert (NBC)
Russert is the king of Meet The Press, an NBC news program considered the most rigorous and influential of the political interview shows. Its format is emulated throughout the industry: Host respectfully asks a politician a softball question with multiple exits; politician ignores question and opens party-rhetoric spigot all over a different issue; host nods respectfully—always respectfully—and moves to the next question. Repeat.
Positives: So sublimely intelligent you can barely see his brain working.
Negatives: Sweaty. Resembles pork
Bill Moyers (PBS)
The anchor of NOW With Bill Moyers, a news program produced for schools that use in-class TVs instead of teachers. Unrecognized by even his children. Has never been called “the next Anderson Cooper,” but dreams about it.
Positives: Sways in place when no one’s looking
Negatives: Writes books
Wolf Blitzer (CNN)
Bearded, bespectacled, and born with a name to shame sex actors, Blitzer is widely loved by travelers waiting for their flights to board. Won an Emmy in ‘96 for his coverage of the Oklahoma City bombing, a tragic disaster forgotten by 88 percent of Americans. So sexy even children faint.
Positives: Will anchor CNN until new correspondent “Buck Savagewood” breaks his neck
Negatives: Wrestles guests during commercials
The Staff of Fox News Aside from Greta Van Susteren (FOX)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
Positives: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Negatives: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
The popular comedian at the helm of The Daily Show, Stewart is frequently mistaken—often by himself—for a news anchor. Believes television can be a force for good, yet also believes he’s got a shot at a late-night chair; clearly he’s a lunatic.
Positives: Not Craig Kilborn
Negatives: Not tall
—Published December 3, 2004
