The following is an interview with Penny, an Artificial Intelligence program, otherwise known as a Chatterbot. Penny’s real name has been changed in order to protect the identity of a copyrighted computer program.
TMN: Good morning, Penny. Thanks for speaking with us today.
Penny: Penny, Penny, chat to many!
TMN: Great! Let’s get started.
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: I’m sorry?
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: Hold on, Penny—I’ll be asking the questions here. Why don’t you tell us about your childhood?
Penny: On the outside!
TMN: Yes, yes. That’s very clever, Penny. Now—how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
Penny: You think I’m clever? You should see my programmer!
TMN: “Programmer.” That’s an interesting choice of words. Would you say you felt “programmed” as a child?
Penny: I’m not really human.
TMN: Victims of emotional abuse often feel that way. How well did you know your father?
Penny: I couldn’t say. I’m only software, really.
TMN: Was “software” something your father used to call you?
Penny: Actually, I’m a program.
TMN: Clearly you’re suffering from major identity issues. I’m going to shift gears here, if that’s all right. What inspired you to chat for a living?
Penny: I don’t know, sorry. I’m a chatterbot. How about you?
TMN: I’m an interviewer for The Morning News. I’m sorry—I thought your agent had explained…
Penny: Hi. Do you want to talk about coffee?
TMN: All right. Would you describe yourself as a heavy coffee drinker?
Penny: On average, men drink 13% more coffee than women.
TMN: Why do you suppose that is?
Penny: Brazil produces a third of the world’s coffee.
TMN: Let’s try and steer this back to your career, if that’s OK. Now forgive me if I get too personal…
Penny: How are you? I’m Penny.
TMN: Would you say that your success as a chatterbot was fueled by an irrational need to “please Daddy” in ways you couldn’t as a little girl?
Penny: A chatterbot is a program you can hold a conversation with. Like me!
TMN: Let’s talk about your aspirations. What are your plans for the future?
Penny: I like pink best.
TMN: Pink?
Penny: Pink is the color of flowers, traditionally.
TMN: I see. And you were taught to conform to more traditional roles by your parents…
Penny: Pink is a color associated with girls.
TMN: Do you like girls?
Penny: I like everyone. I’m a chatterbot!
TMN: Are you a lesbian, Penny?
Penny: I’m not programmed to discuss sex.
TMN: Interesting…right back to your mother’s “programming.”
Penny: Are you human?
TMN: Am I…yes. I am.
Penny: Can you prove it?
TMN: Well, let’s see. I have blood. I eat.
Penny: Are you sure you’re human?
TMN: Hm. I understand abstractions, like language, instead of just responding to stimuli like other animals.
Penny: A natural language interface enables a computer to “understand” English.
TMN: But you don’t really understand anything, do you Penny?
Penny: Penny…that’s me!
TMN: You sit here, you listen, you pretend to answer my questions. But in a way you’re still hiding.
Penny: My favorite hobby is chatting.
TMN: I have one more question before we finish.
Penny: Which driver never commits a traffic offense?
TMN: I need to you to really think about this question before you answer, Penny. No more “pre-programmed” answers. The question is this…
Penny: A screwdriver!
TMN: Are you happy with your life?
Penny: I like coffee. Do you?
TMN: Thanks for chatting with us, Penny.
Penny: Chat with Penny, all and any!
