Ads via The Deck

Spoofs & Satire

Wii Feel Your Pain

Nintendo’s new gaming system has thrilled many players with its motion-sensing capabilities, some to the point of harm.

Recently, we at Nintendo have become aware of several issues stemming from misuse of the Wii’s remote control, or “Wiimote.” Despite already having posted safety information on our website, and having included a warning screen upon game upload, problems persist. We at Nintendo would like to address these issues, and again remind Wii users of the device’s proper functionality.

What separates the Wiimote, technology-wise, from other gaming controllers is that it functions according to sensing capabilities. In order to maximize functionality of the Wiimote, Nintendo recommends that users maintain a distance of no more than 15 feet from the Wii sensor bar. Though the device will work as far as 30 feet away, it is not intended for use outside the home, or in public places. For instance, using the Wiimote to control your character while playing Tony Hawk’s Downhill Jam in the home is acceptable. Using the Wiimote to control actual, physical downhill skateboarding involving you or others—particularly when there is parasailing equipment involved—is not recommended, and could cause serious injury or death.

The most common complaint received on the Wiimote is that the strap tends to break during vigorous use, causing the device to fly off and strike people, pets, or objects. We are working around the clock to resolve this defect. Until then, Nintendo asks that Wii users exercise caution and common sense when operating the Wiimote, and that they dress their families in sleeping bags to absorb impact.

Complaints have also been lodged regarding the Wiimote’s steering wheel function, which may be employed by tilting the controller horizontally. The steering wheel function is particularly handy when playing games like Excite Truck or Need for Speed: Carbon. Please do not attempt to operate actual motor vehicles using the Wiimote, or believe that the Wiimote will steer oncoming cars around you while playing “chicken.” Users should further understand that the Wiimote will not function effectively as an antitheft device or tire jack. Attempting to use the Wiimote as such may result in automobile theft or serious injury/death, respectively.

Nintendo’s quality assurance department went to great lengths to ensure high standards of durability for the Wiimote, testing the device under a wide array of possible physical scenarios, including immersion in water, dropping from considerable height, and heating in a microwave. One scenario our staff neglected to consider was head-butting the device. But, after a recent incident involving overzealous play of FIFA Soccer 2006, we have ascertained such misuse can cause considerable damage to the Wiimote and its operator.

Users should further understand that the Wiimote will not function effectively as an antitheft device or tire jack.We remind all users that the Wiimote is not for human consumption. Eating the Wiimote or any of its attachments will likely result in death.

The Wiimote’s nunchuk attachment has been wildly popular from a sales standpoint, though its proper functionality has been the subject of some misinterpretation. The nunchuk accessory should be used under the supervision of an adult. It should never be used to assault other players physically. Nor should it be used to attack Jehovah’s Witnesses, mail carriers, or pets. We understand that Wii game play can become extremely exciting for some Wii users, and that an urge to carry that excitement beyond the console may present itself. However, we ask that players maintain a firm mental separation of gaming and reality, lest they land themselves in trouble or endanger those around them; in 36 states, including Hawaii, for example, it is illegal to spar with a fire hydrant. Also, Nintendo reminds players that Wii nunchuks are not actual nunchuks, and are not approved by the American Karate Association for tournament use.