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Realpolitiking

The Pyongyang Papers

North Korea’s intentions are unknown for the moment. But its memos are, at the very least, straightforward. The TMN staff uncovers a worldwide exclusive: internal documentation of the DPRK’s plans for the remaining calendar year.

Zimoun, 25 woodworms, wood, microphone, sound system, 2009. Courtesy the artist and bitforms gallery, NYC.

Due to the evermore undisguised hostile actions of the United States and the south Korean puppet warmongers, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will soon reveal a shocking fact about America’s heroic secretary of imperialist advertising, Donald Draper. For now, suffice to say that he may not possess the matchless grit and strong determination he demonstrates.

Whether or not an all-out war is ignited on the peninsula, the committee will begin to confiscate all superfluous capitalist semiotics, especially the letter “e.” We also intend to produce and export world-class merlot wines.

According to a distinguished study by our Ministry of Useful Research, at least 24 million people across Asia hate science. The committee will change this, one missile at a time.

By May 30th, our hovercraft division will have multiplied to 17. The pride of the nation will be bolstered by revolutionary solider shorts. Singapore is ours now. Also, true to the Workers’ Party of Korea’s plan for building a highly civilized socialist country, to all of the world’s forward-thinking, large-scale portrait artists: Prepare to be lauded at the 2013 Pyongyang Biennale!

In addition, the DPRK, with iron resolve and superhuman devotion, will continue to feed the world’s perverse obsession with decimated landscapes—zombies, ruined architecture, and the general aesthetic of post-apocalyptic wastelands. Think of the tumblrs.

We’re after some top Photoshop artists. Must have experience of steam, smoke, dust, and fire. CVs and work samples to The Old Beach Bunker, Wonsan.

By June, Carmen Electra.

As well, let it be known, with the addition of an eighth day of the week, the DPRK’s productivity will charge forward in 2013 like a horse with five legs. On that note, we also intend to do much better in dressage competitions this year.

The leadership committee of the Socialist Youth League have appended the following stipulations:

  1. We will film our own feature-length Veronica Mars movie and require no outside crowd-funded assistance.
  2. We will make our own “Harlem Shake” video. It will be the first “Harlem Shake” video.
  3. Kate Upton comprehensively embodies the original Songun politics.
  4. Thanks to his talented wisdom and distinguished leadership ability, Robert Downey Jr. will support Kim Jong-un in Iron Man 4: Rise of the Supreme Leader.
  5. We are Reddit—98 percent user-name penetration. The rest do not know. Keep this a secret. 

To the dirty waiting maids of fascist dictatorship and hideous trumpeters inciting confrontation, the army and people of the DPRK are ready to fight a final battle with any aggressors. Then, we will trade places with South Korea because they’ve been hogging all the good beaches for too long.

We’re also going to build a serious bunch of cool military stuff, an absolute shed-load, like 10 million bombs. On that note, we’re after some top Photoshop artists. Must have experience of steam, smoke, dust, and fire. CVs and work samples to The Old Beach Bunker, Wonsan.

Kate Upton comprehensively embodies the original Songun politics.

(In fact, he’s not been in the job long, but already our respected Marshall Kim Jong-un has pretty much exhausted everything there is to see here in the good old DPRK. He sure likes to look at stuff, among his noble traits. That’s why we need you. Please, if you have any military bases, research labs, secret airfields, submarine docks, centrifuges, nuclear reactors, chemistry labs, weapons research centers, or good old-fashioned underground lairs, let us know. The boss needs new stuff to stare at with the blazing intensity of a thousand suns. We can bring our own photographer. Invitations to Room 414, the Ryugyong Hotel, Pyongyang.)

Between April 15th and through the end of the fiscal year, as a reflection of the high intentions of Kim Jong-un, great person born of heaven, and the unanimous will and desire of the party, the country and the people, we will adopt a completely unregulated free-market capitalist economy just to prove how much better we could do it if we wanted to. Also, the committee formally demands all enemies—citizens and leaders of imperialist Western nations—seriously, do not hold us or our allies up as working models of the political philosophy of communism, because in all honesty, we admit we didn’t really get what Marx and Engels were going for (at least the parts we actually read), and we’d hate for you all not to give it a shot.

Finally, by December, Dennis Rodman will sign a contract to play exclusively for Team Final Victory with Arms of Paektusan, and Rodman will, in every game, score fewer points than Kim Jong-un, who is taller than Rodman.

We may just have a good, long soak in the tub.

Reporting by Graham T. Beck, Jonathan Bell, Erik Bryan, Lauren Daisley, Michael Erard, Elizabeth Kiem, Katherine Ortega, Karolle Rabarison, and Michael Rottman.

TMN’s Contributing Writers know where to find the purple couch. Long live the pan flute, mini mafia, and Michael Jackson. More by The Writers