Semi-Vacation  |   We're publishing archive favorites and fresh weekday headlines through Labor Day

Ads via The Deck

Spoofs & Satire

The Petition Response Strikes Back

The White House recently turned down a petition to build a Death Star. More responses from the official rejection pile.

Credit: Modery

“Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?” —Official White House response to a petition to construct a Death Star by 2016

Official White House response to: Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Terminator Robot by 2017

The Administration shares your desire for a national defense led by robots—see predator drones and the previous administration’s Prototype Artificial Intelligence Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld—but a Terminator is not on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

  • The construction of a Terminator has been estimated to cost $2,500,000,000. While the Administration could mint a few platinum coins, cut some Medicare benefits, and—voila—Terminator by 2017, it’s likely the Terminator would someday turn against us and destroy the human species.
  • The Administration does not support destroying the human species.
  • Even though the Terminator turns good in the sequel and helps save the human species, why would the Administration cut Medicare benefits over all that rigmarole?
  • Actually.
  • Petition approved.

Official White House response to: Secure personnel and resources, and begin assimilating a team of Avengers by 2018

The Administration shares your desire for a national defense led by superheroes—see Navy Seal Team Six and Vampire Hunter Abraham Lincoln—however, the Avengers are not on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

  • They’re overrated. The Administration knows that’s sacrilege to say. But Captain America and his circular shield wouldn’t last one day in Afghanistan. The Administration is not even going to bring up the guy with the arrows. Iron Man is very cool. However, the CIA’s internal review strongly suggests a Terminator robot would have him beat. And though it theorizes the Hulk would put up a fight, he would ultimately lose; because he’s a headcase. Thor is immortal. Unlike the Terminator. But he’s a Norse god. So unless we repealed the First Amendment, not even the Avengers could protect us from the ACLU.
  • If you thought our fear of the ACLU to be overblown, you are right. The real reason the Administration won’t support a team of Avengers is that we don’t have the rights. Disney does. They’re building their own real Avengers team, estimated time of arrival 2014. The private sector really is something to behold.
  • The Administration does, however, have the rights to Birdman and the Galaxy Trio. We know a lot of you probably haven’t heard of this super team. But the Administration would like you to seriously consider YouTubeing some clips from the animated television show, which ran on Saturday mornings on NBC from Sept. 9, 1967, until Sept. 6, 1969. It’s a tour de force. Then you’ll know why we’ve invested over 350,000,000 of your tax dollars into making a reality of Vapor Man, Gravity Girl, Birdman, and the rest of the gang. Vice President Biden’s internal review strongly suggests that you, the American People, are going to love them. And, more importantly, they’re going to absolutely destroy Al Qaeda.

Official White House response to: Secure vehicle and funding, and begin construction of a DeLorean Time Machine by 2022

  • The Administration already did this. Well, we’re going to do it. In 2022. Like you proposed. But, when we do, citizens are going to start going back in time to invent Facebook, before Mark Zuckerberg steals it from the Winklevoss twins. There will be so many people inventing Facebook that Aaron Sorkin’s head will explode before he can finish writing The Social Network. Even worse, each time people invent Facebook the interface will change. The Administration will receive a petition to stop all inventions of Facebook with the most signatures it ever received. People hate when the interface changes.
  • So in 2023 we went back one final time to 2013 and destroyed this petition. Right about—

Official White House response to: Secure resources and funding, and destroy the Matrix by 2019

  • The Administration would like to state for the last time: There is no Matrix. We know that’s something someone who created the Matrix would probably say. And we know you know we know that someone who created the Matrix would probably say that they know that you know that they know that this would also be something someone who created the Matrix would say.
  • But we could play that game until 2019 and it wouldn’t matter. Because the Administration does not support controlling its citizens.
  • No matter what Fox News says, we’re not fascist-socialist-post-colonial overlords bent on removing all of your personal liberty and freedoms.

Which brings us back to the recent petition to secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.

  • The Administration received a lot of backlash over turning this one down. Malia was particularly distraught over the weekend.
  • But on Sunday after watching the Patriots game, our President came up with the brilliant idea of manufacturing and disseminating light sabers to every citizen who signed the petition.
  • However, the First Lady then pointed out that if the Administration armed a few citizens with weapons capable of killing tens or hundreds of citizens, one of them could succumb to the Dark Side and do such a terrible thing.
  • So the Administration has decided to give every citizen a light saber.
  • We feel the NRA is onto something: All Americans should be armed and ready to defend ourselves in our homes, workplaces, schools, movie theaters, and anywhere else the Dark Side might strike.
  • This will cost $850,000,000,000,000,000.
  • And, therefore, there will be no Medicare.

Thank you for signing the petition “secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016” and for your participation in the We the People platform.

Dave Cowen is a writer living in Los Angeles. He has published humor in the New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and The Morning News. More by Dave Cowen