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Spoofs & Satire

The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel

No film set exists without its share of gags and accidents, even the filming of Mel Gibson’s crucifixion epic. A transcript of scenes that may never make it onto the DVD edition.

(Translated from Aramaic and Latin)

 

Pontius Pilate (Hristo Shopov) stands with the scourged and thorn-crowned Jesus (James Caviezel) before a throng of Jews, all of whom shout for Christ’s crucifixion. Pilate has a bowl of water brought to him so he can ‘wash his hands’ of Christ’s condemnation.

Assorted Jews: Crucify him!

Pontius Pilate: I am innocent of the blood of this just—[knocks over bowl of water, which spills down steps] oh, [bleep].

Jesus Christ: [smiling] Good one, Hristo.

Pilate: Nice crown, Jim.

Assorted Jews: [laughter]

Off Camera: Cut!

 

Christ, shackled to a stone, is being scourged by Roman soldiers. Blood runs down his gory back. His pain is palpable.

Jesus: [writhes in pain, hands shaking]

[Cell phone rings.]

Jesus: [hands shake furiously]

[Cell phone rings. Caviezel looks up, sheepish.]

Roman soldier: Jim? That you?

Jesus: Yeah.

[Cell phone rings.]

Soldier: Want me to get it?

Jesus: Yeah.

[Roman soldier gingerly reaches into Caviezel’s blood-soaked loincloth, pulls out phone and opens it, then holds the phone to Caviezel’s ear.]

Off Camera: [laughter]

Jesus: Hey, Mom.

 

The Last Supper. Jesus is in the upper room with his disciples. Judas (Luca Lionello) is seated nearby.

Jesus: If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world—ah, Christ.

Judas: Hateth you.

Jesus: Who’s on first, right?

Judas: [laughs]

Jesus: [rolls eyes at camera] John could write gospel, but, you know, could he write dialogue?

Off Camera: [laughter] Cut!

 

Jesus carries a heavy wooden cross through Jerusalem, assisted by Simon (Jarreth Merz).

Jesus: Wait a second. [puts down cross]

Off Camera: What is it?

Jesus: [wipes right eye] There’s something in my eye.

Simon: Oh my God, it’s a mote.

Off Camera: [laughter]

 

Jesus hangs on the cross, bloodied, in agony.

Take 3

Jesus: My God, my God, why hast thou[laughing]

Off Camera: [laughter] Forsaken!

Take 4

Jesus: Thanks! OK. My God, my God, why hast thou[starts giggling]

Off Camera: [laughter]

Take 10

Jesus: I got it. I got it. Hold on. My God, my God, why hast thou—argh! [takes breath] Forsaken. Forsaken. Forsaken. Forsaken. Forsaken. Sabachthani, sabachthani, sabachthani. OK.

Take 12

Jesus: Hey! I can see my house from here.

Take 14

Jesus: My God! Why have you—

[Caviezel is struck by lightning.]

Off Camera: Cut!

Take 35

Off Camera: Come on, Jim.

Jesus: [in terrible anguish] My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Off Camera: [Applause]

Off Camera: We got it!

biopic

TMN Contributing Writer Paul Ford is the author of Gary Benchley, Rock Star, a novel that was originally serialized here on TMN. He was formerly an editor at Harper’s Magazine, was an occasional commentator on NPR’s All Things Considered, and is now sole proprietor of Ftrain.com (which has a Facebook group). More by Paul Ford