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Spoofs & Satire

Tom Birkner, Early Morning R&B, 2013. Courtesy the artist and the Gerald Peters Gallery, Santa Fe, NM.

Natural Born Tourists

When a vacation rental doesn’t live up to expectations, when that “charming Montauk cabin” turns out to be a shed, one family’s solution is passive-aggressive guestbook commentary.

My husband, sons, and I thoroughly enjoyed a wonderful vacation and all the nearby restaurants where we ate every meal because your cottage’s kitchen offers no pots, pans, drinking glasses, dishes, knives, forks, or spoons.—The Homer Family, Windsor, Conn.

Vineyard Haven was as charming as your listing promised. It’s also wonderful that you’ve been able to preserve your home’s antebellum charm, especially the mattresses which appear original to the property, complete with traumatic-birth stains. Maybe mention those next time, too.—Kathy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Sorry about all those phone calls regarding the refrigerator. We now understand that it’s more of a thought experiment than a functional appliance. Kind of like the Schrodinger’s cat paradox, except replace “cat” with “beer.” Is the beer inside the refrigerator warm or cold? Who knows? It cannot be directly observed, so is unknowable. At any given time, the beer inside this refrigerator may be cold and refreshing, but when you open the ice box it will surely be warm as horse piss. So what’s the solution? Go to a bar for a beer instead! Thank you for helping teach my kids about quantum physics. I’d appreciate a credit for the cost of spoiled cold cuts.—Pete Homer, Windsor, Conn.

I duct-taped the fuck out of your Ladder Toss because that shit was falling to pieces every time I wrapped my balls around it. You’re welcome.—Andy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Loved Cape Cod. Really appreciated all the beach toys provided. Though maybe consider changing the name of this cottage from “Whispering Sands” to “Cacophony of Bodily Sounds.” Or fix the walls so they extend all the way up to the ceilings???—Kathy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

My husband, sons, and I thoroughly enjoyed a wonderful vacation and all the nearby restaurants where we ate every meal because your cottage’s kitchen offers no pots, pans, drinking glasses, dishes, knives, forks, or spoons.

Clam neks look like peniseses—Timmy

This place has more exposed knob and tube than the uncut version of “Magic Mike.”—Pete Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Thanks for a lovely stay. Your cottage may be modest but hey, it’s more affordable than a cruise! And more hygienic, too! To my knowledge, no one in our family contracted norovirus or Legionnaire’s disease during our stay here. Thanks again.—Kathy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Dear Lawrence Family: Truly a unique house you’ve got. Your bedroom décor was a little too “snuff film” for our tastes, but don’t worry - we all slept comfortably on the dining room floor, amid the charming bug husks. I will follow up by email re: the deposit refund.—Kathy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Thanks to all the mildew in your ancient washing machine, we spent our vacation smelling like ass.—Andy of Ass

To other guests at this cabin who may be reading this: Our 15 year-old awoke in the middle of the night with a troupe of wolf spiders reenacting the Red Wedding scene from “Game of Thrones” on his pillow. Kind of a spoiler, actually, since we’re only on season two.—Pete Homer, Winslow, Conn.

Discovering your East Hampton home on this visit was a truly unexpected gift. The way the six mildewed shower curtain liners surrounding your old-fashioned claw foot tub clung to my body brought me back to my early childhood. Like, “birth canal” early. Now having relived and conquered that trauma, I feel completely rejuvenated and ready to return to work on Monday.—Kathy Homer, Windsor, Conn.

Sean Tabb has made a grand total of $250 writing for the internet so, no, he is not buying this round of drinks. He lives and works in Portland, Maine. More by Sean Tabb