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Spoofs & Satire

My Brief Wondrous Life

On Sunday night, Hollywood’s finest will clasp the man of their dreams to their chests. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Oscar.

Photograph by Jim Herrington

About Me

I’m here to find a great person for a great time. I want to tremble from head to toe. You’ll see lots of ads on here saying stuff like “No games!” or “No drama!” Well, color me eccentric then because I love me some good drama (especially the biographical kind). Though many who’ve had me consider me extremely attractive, I am by no means a mere trophy. If that’s the kind of person you’re looking for, do us both a favor and move on to the next profile, please.

Physical Info

  • Height: 13.5" (34.3 cm)
  • Weight: 8.5 lbs (3.86 kg), zero body fat
  • Body type: Buffed

Lifestyle

  • Birthplace: Chicago
  • Smoke, drink: My lips are sealed
  • Education: Honors in the arts and sciences
  • Favorite physical activities: Standing, reflecting
  • Political orientation: On the mantel
  • Religion: Idolatry

About You

Above all, you should be gifted. Perhaps you have an original voice or a talent for bringing out the best in others. Perhaps you adapt well, or are a uniquely supportive individual. I also have a soft spot in my heart for those suffering from disabilities or terminal illnesses; doesn’t matter if you’re an autistic savant or an AIDS patient, so long as you have the right smile and don’t “overact the part,” as it were.

Here are some of my bigger turn-offs: I’m not a fan of politically incorrect jokes. Nor do I like a lot of controversy. I don’t like a lot of pyrotechnics without due justification and I don’t speak other languages well, so if you insist on Korean, make sure the menu has subtitles in English, please. There’ve been times when wooers have wanted to hold my hard body so badly, they went so far as to take out ads in the newspaper. (Don’t laugh! This actually happens a lot, but I usually see right through it. Word to the wise: Desperation is not attractive.)

My Perfect First Date

It’s a magical, red-carpet kind of a night. You feel the excitement in the air, the tension mounting, our hearts pounding as we wait to greet each other. You, of course, are dressed to the nines. I’m radiant and glowing, as usual. Then, finally, it’s our moment! We meet; you embrace me, tears stream from your eyes. You can’t believe it’s actually happening, even though your best friend swore this was your night. Yes, at last! Thank God! Thank your parents! Holding me in your hands is better than you ever dreamt it would be. You can’t keep your eyes off me the rest of the evening. Afterward, everyone wants to know how you feel now that you’ve made my acquaintance. Your family is dying to meet me, to hold me and look at me up close. True, it sounds like a lot from a first date—but many of my previous lovers have had loose lips, and that’s what they’ve gone on record as saying. (Seriously!)

What I’ve Learned From Past Relationships

Like everyone else, I’ve been known to make a mistake or two. To go with a poseur, a has-been, or worse: someone completely undeserving (according to my friend Manohla). But these experiences have taught me lessons—lessons I never learned at The Academy.

A couple of glaring red flags to look out for in the future:

  1. Run from the room if someone who isn’t hearing impaired starts signing at you to honor the deaf. (Oy!)
  2. Head for the hills if someone shows up in a leather headdress and starts blasting you for your country’s treatment of the Native Americans. (I mean, honestly.)

Can you imagine a classy guy like Orson Welles doing anything of the sort? Of course not. Mr. Welles was the example of decorum, a steward of the old school. His generation didn’t know from the Internet, didn’t know from online dating. In closing this profile then, I’d like to quote from Mr. Welles, a close companion to a couple of my older brothers. Let his words be an inspiration and a beacon, guiding us forward as we explore the realm of possibilities between us: “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”

Writer David K. Israel graduated from college with a B.M. (don’t laugh) and immediately moved to New York City where he worked for Leonard Bernstein’s estate, helping to edit and publish definitive editions of scores like West Side Story. After penning several of his own musical works, in 2005 David published a novel called Behind Everyman. Critics have said the novel is funny, but then again, no one has ever erected a statue for a critic. He is a frequent contributor to The Los Angeles Times Magazine, West, and is a regular blogger over at mental_floss. If you must bother him, he can be reached via his web site: davidisrael.net. He recently helped found a new Web site for short stories: www.apt23.com. More by David K. Israel