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Spoofs & Satire

My Bloodthirsty Valentine

What says true love better than ear-shattering shrieks interspersed with low, guttural growling? If you’re in the market for a uniquely thoughtful Valentine’s Day present, we have the perfect, possibly rabies-infected gift for you.

Valentine’s Day is about to strike again, as surely as an arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, and, let’s face it, you don’t have the faintest idea how you’re going to demonstrate your undying appreciation to that blessedly wonderful woman in your life.

You could always go the “original” route, as you’ve done in years past: Fix her leaky sunroof or plant some dandelions in her yard. A special gesture that screams from the mountaintops: “Even though I have the personality of a squash racket, I still love you.

And, let us not forget history, lest we are condemned to repeat it: 2003’s “romantic Post-it note haiku affixed to the leftovers in the fridge” idea didn’t go over so well:

Smooth, Don Juan.

So what to do, then? After so many crash and burns—and don’t worry, we’ve all had them—you need to go all out and get her a gift that really outshines the rest. Nothing hackneyed or half-assed. Something original and thoughtful, but edgy and exciting at the same time—primal, even. Something, perhaps, that growls love.

It’s time to give her a wolverine.

Why You Should Get Her a Wolverine

Fellas, I got my girlfriend a wolverine for Valentine’s Day a few years ago, and our relationship has been a distillery of bliss ever since. She swears it was the most considerate, romantic gift she’s ever received. This furry little member of the family Mustelidae has hissed and shredded his way into our lives, serving as an everyday reminder of the energetic, ferocious, tear-your-fucking-face-off love that we share.

His name is Pete, and he follows her everywhere she goes, skulking around her at knee-level, occasionally taking a playful swipe at her now scar-ridden ankles. They just adore one another. She even dresses Pete in a lovely turtleneck sweater (usually for about an hour before it’s destroyed or ruined with bloodstains). But a wolverine in Burberry: Could it get any cuter?

Seriously, words like “adorable,” “sublime,” and “terrifying” don’t really do Pete descriptive justice, so I’ve included a professional illustrator’s rendering of him, which we placed on our holiday card last year:

Now, I realize that, when it comes to gift-giving, there are two types of men out there: those that are willing to go out on a limb and try something new, and those that play it safe. For the latter group, it’s a dilemma: You’re not quite sure if she’d love a wolverine, but you don’t want to ask her and spoil the surprise. It’s a rock and a hard place.

For this reason, I took it upon myself to conduct a survey of my lady’s female companions, all of whom are intelligent, sensible, and—I’m nearly certain—drug-free as of November of last year. Each was asked to rate, from first choice to last choice, six potential Valentine’s Day gifts.

Still not convinced?

Guys, believe me: You’ll be amazed by how a wolverine can help to fortify a rocky or deflated relationship. The act of obtaining one alone demonstrates complete devotion. How so, you wonder?

Getting your hands on a wolverine is no small task, and she’ll recognize that by the numerous lacerations and compound fractures you will sustain all over your face and body. More importantly, however, she will appreciate the great lengths you’ve gone to in finding her that special Valentine’s Day bundle of joy.

How to Find Her a Wolverine

After you arrive in Canada—the best place in North America to find one of these majestic “pets”—you must procure camouflage hunting regalia, as well as a tranquilizer gun and enough darts to take down the wild creature (hopefully in one shot, but prepare for as many as 20). Assemble a few days worth of rations—preferably foods that emit little scent, such as dried beans and lentils. Wolverines are extremely territorial and tend to occupy a home range hundreds of square miles. Once you’ve hiked the arduous trek into wolverine country—keeping a watchful eye out for ticks and snakes—remain constantly alert and keep your gun drawn at all times. Do not fall asleep. It is not terribly likely that a wolverine will attack unprovoked, but you should keep in mind that wolverines have been known to prey upon creatures slightly larger than themselves—these, for example:

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: There is no easy, textbook way to take down a wolverine. Just remember: If you truly love her, you will find a way. And if you become rattled at the thought of running into one of these weasels of death, remind yourself that once you have the wolverine back with your loved one, it will provide invaluable in-home protection. Much more effective than mace, a German Shepherd, or a Gatling gun.

The Formidable In-Home Security Companion that Doubles as a Cuddle Buddy

Some Ideas on Presenting Her Special Gift

Once you’ve smuggled your valentine back through customs before it awakens and begins howling satanically, you must then determine how properly to present your one-of-a-kind offering. Keep in mind you have just abducted an endangered species, so handing it to her over the table at your favorite local restaurant is not advisable or safe.

One special way would be to adorn the wolverine with a giant red bow and wrap it up in a box (must be perforated titanium). Then watch on as your loved one opens her gift and jumps excitedly into the air, possibly even wetting herself with surprise! You’ve done good, kid.

Or, if you’re the money-bags type and feel an additional gift is in order, put a cute pink scarf on the wolverine and place it inside a brand-new Louis Vuitton bag, its dear, sweet face poking out with a timeless expression that says “I love you,” or, depending on its current mood, “Watch out! I’m-a gonna eat your fingers.”

Priceless.

Personally, though, I would recommend leaving the gift in her apartment while she’s at work—this worked charmingly, in my experience. Imagine the scene: Your special someone returns home after a taxing day at the office, ready to slip into her pajamas and watch Animal Planet on TiVo. Well, Animal Planet she’s gonna get!

After having stashed the wolverine within the confines of her home, you hide in wait just outside the front entrance. She opens the door and flips the light switch. And what comes next? Ear-shattering shrieks and screams, interspersed with low, guttural growling—the sound of you hitting pay dirt in the gift-giving department. An end, no doubt, which justifies any minor hospital bills or subsequent eviction notices.

In-Home Wolverine Adjustment Period

The first three weeks are tough on a wolverine as he adjusts to his new prowling grounds, and your significant other may express some uncertainty. Questions may arise like, “Do these things have rabies?” or “Why is it making that strange clicking noise with its butt up in the air?” Remind her that the reason she received this seemingly dangerous and potentially life-threatening creature from you is because you have the utmost faith in her abilities to overcome even the most formidable challenges. Domesticating a wolverine is, ultimately, beneath her immeasurable talent as a person. Such a compliment will speak volumes about your affection for her.

Once she accepts the animal’s presence, and increases her threshold for pain, it won’t be long before she develops a deep, maternal love for her wolverine—much like she would for a puppy, except that this puppy has razor-sharp claws and eats cats. Each time she gazes into the uncertain eyes of this magnificent predator, she will be reminded of your thoughtfulness and unwavering love for her. Just don’t let her be reminded for too long. They don’t like that.

In Conclusion: Just Get Her the Wolverine

When you turn down the sheets for lovemaking on Valentine’s Day night, only to discover that king cobra you’ve always wanted, hissing and slithering back and forth, ready to strike at any moment, you’re going to feel pretty rotten about the box of See’s candy and the four-foot Hallmark card you gave her in return. Save yourself the embarrassment and just get the damn wolverine, will you?