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Spoofs & Satire

Letter From Hollywood

Striking TV and film writers should be shutting down the industry, right? Not so fast. Hollywood has a plan for a new kind of synergy, and now that the writers are out of the way, it’s showtime.

Dear America,

First of all, I think you guys are looking great. Have you been working out? Seriously, I can tell the difference. You look fly.

Anyhoo, it’s your old buddy Hollywood, here to set your minds at ease about this little labor discrepancy you might have read about over the last few days. Yes, the writers are on strike. No, it doesn’t matter one little bit. We’ll get into why in a minute, but first, let’s take a look at why the writers are on strike.

1. Writers are jerks who hate you

Sad but true, America. In fact, I heard them all talking about you behind your collective national back, and it wasn’t pretty. Steve Zallian called you all “Crumbums.” And don’t even get me started on what the staff of Back to You thinks of you. But if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ve probably already figured it out.

2. Writers are greedy jerks who hate you

This is a little known fact, but all writers are paid in gold and candy. Now they want to be paid in platinum and caviar. I’m not making this up. I tried to tell them that, frankly, gold and candy is the better deal. But you know what they did? They spit on me, and they kicked me in my male bathing-suit area. Is that the act of reasonable people? No. It’s the act of greedy jerks who hate you. Boo.

3. Writers have ties to al Qaeda

There’s a lot that I can’t divulge here, but I will tell you this: Do you think the people who wrote The Comebacks love America, or want to see America burn to the ground, and then relieve themselves on the ashes? The choice, as Black Sheep once said, is yours.

Well, now that we’re up to speed, let’s discuss how we’re all going to move on and away from writer-centric (Or as we in the industry like to call it, “gay”) television. You best believe your old buddy Hollywood has a plan for your hearts, mind, and precious, precious advertising dollars. God, we love your money. We love it. LOVE IT! PRECIOUS! BRING ME THE PRECIOUS! KILLS THE WRITERSES! I—

Oh, WOW. Sorry, America. It’s been a weird few weeks. Moving on.

The question I’m getting most these days is: “Hollywood? How will my TV viewing be affected on a day-to-day basis by the strike?”

Before I answer, let me just turn down the lights in here. Awwww, yeah. That’s real nice. And let me just pour you a drink. You like Alizé or Hipnotiq? Oh, just a rum and Diet Coke, huh, America? THAT’s how you’re staying so fine. Well here you go, pretty-pretty. Now let me just put on some K-Ci and Jojo…Yeah. That’s real good.

OK. Now, let’s get down to business. Look into my eyes. TV’s gonna be there for you, baby. Like it never went away. It’s gonna be better than ever.

In the pre-strike era (or as we call it, “The Prikera”), the writers wrote the shows, and the advertisers wrote the commercials. But now that the writers are out of the way, we can finally bring you seamless entertainment product. Now, I know what you’re saying: “Who has both Alizé AND Hipnotiq in their home bar?” The answer to that is A MOTHERSCRATCHIN’ PLAYA, HOLLA!

Your next question after that is probably: “Advertisers writing my favorite shows? Won’t that suck male bathing-suit areas?” Sure it’ll suck. Suck like a FOX! It’ll be AWESOME! Why, look at some of the ideas we’re already coming up with!

Til’ Death: Raymond’s brother’s wife burns the roast, but then saves the day when she serves HORMEL FULLY COOKED BEEF ROAST IN AU JUS (17 oz)!

The New Adventures of Old Christine: What’s-her-butt from Seinfeld has a craving for FOURTH MEAL at TACO BELL, but has to do something stupid first. She does it in a comical fashion, and then it’s CHILI CHEESE NACHOS BELLGRANDE for everyone!

Back to You: Sideshow Bob and Raymond’s wife do a daring expose on how freaking awesome a cold, cold COORS LIGHT is on a hot day. Raymond’s wife is overwhelmed by all of her success (you know how women get), but comes to her senses with the help of PAXIL CR.

But it’s not just sitcoms that will benefit from this new synergy. Won’t the cast of Lost be surprised when they realize they’re not lost on an island, but at TARGET! Watch as they discover a hatch-load of savings! And you know that show, Brothers and Sisters? Me neither.

And what would TV be without reality programming? Totally awesome, I know. But humor me. Because now that we’re free of these bloodsucking, baby-hating, gold- and candy-eschewing writers, reality can finally cast off its leg braces, and run free! FREE! RUN, REALITY PROGRAMMING, RUN!

We’re developing so many new reality shows, that there isn’t space in the physical known universe to list them all. But here’s a delicious sampling.

  • CELEBRITY BEER PONG
  • F*CK MY DAD
  • AMERICA’S BIGGEST ‘MO
  • THE REAL REAL WEDDING CRASHERS
  • PIMP MY PANCREAS
  • ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
  • YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
  • YOUR DAUGHTER OR YOUR WIFE
  • EYE SWAP
  • AMERICAN RABBI
  • THE NEXT TOP REALITY SHOW
  • ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR?
  • STRIP SCRABBLE
  • SMELL THIS
  • WHO WANTS TO KICK RACHAEL RAY IN THE ASS?
  • SPRING LAKE: THE REAL MONMOUTH COUNTY
  • PMS OR JUST BITCHY?
  • TO CATCH A PREDATOR NIGHTS
  • THE REAL OEDIPUS REX
  • THE NEXT NEXT NEXT PUSSYCAT DOLL
  • I’M THINKING OF A NUMBER
  • CELEBRITY I’M THINKING OF A NUMBER

And the list just goes on. And you will watch. Oh yes, you WILL watch. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. MWAH-HA-HA-HA! FEEL THE POWER OF A FULLY OPERATIONAL DEATH STAR! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA— Oh, jeez. Sorry.

Well, gotta run, America. We’re shooting new episodes of The Daily Show this week, with its new host, the “Can You Hear Me Now?” guy. He’s hysterical. He’s like a fresh, young Jared.

Stay awesome,
Hollywood

Josh A. Cagan is a formerly working professional screenwriter. No, you’ve never seen any of his movies. Just trust him. He really makes a living at it. Or made a living, rather. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and stuffed animals, and is killing what looks to be a crap-load of time by writing letters to Hollywood on joshcagan.net. More by Josh A. Cagan