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Spoofs & Satire

Mercedes Helnwein, Soap Dish, 2008. Courtesy pool gallery

JuniorHighLeaks

Everyone’s doing it: Broadcasting private communications for all the world to see. The latest messages could usurp the power elite of the eighth grade.

“A cache of a quarter-million confidential American diplomatic cables, most of them from the past three years, provides an unprecedented look at back-room bargaining by embassies around the world, brutally candid views of foreign leaders and frank assessments of nuclear and terrorist threats.” —The New York Times, Nov. 29

DATE 2010-11-13   14 : 19 : 00
SOURCE My iPhone
CLASSIFICATION Do NOT read, Matthew! I am SERIOUS!
Classified By: JESSICA SOFER
SUBJECT: THOMAS SOLLERS


A CONFLICT OF INTEREST BREWS

¶1. In a lengthy and cordial Sept. 8 confidential discussion behind the football field bleachers with Sarah Faisson of the ruling Michelle-Sarah F.-Paulette (MSP) clique, it was revealed that both Sarah F. and Michelle like-liked Thomas Sollers, who grew three inches over the summer and has a much cuter haircut now. Sarah F. reiterated her concerns that Michelle not discover her nascent attraction to Sollers, lest it disrupt the fragile alliance the two have brokered since Michelle’s Aug. 26 back-to-school pool party at which Sarah F., wearing a white bathing suit, experienced menarche and totally mortified Michelle in front of Sollers and additional members of the JV basketball team.


A SHREWDLY CONCOCTED REPRIEVE

¶2. In a secured IM session on Sept. 15, Sarah F. disclosed her strategy to cloak her developing crush, one abetted by Sollers’s bestowal upon her the nickname “Blondie,” by feigning interest in his best friend Ben Taylor, even though he’s so not her type. Her subterfuge consisted of notebook scrawls, conspicuously exhibited to Michelle, of “SF + BT 4-EVA,” “Sarah Taylor-Faisson,” and “Dr. and Mrs. Ben Taylor.” Sarah F. also intimated her increased affection for her IM interlocutor, labeling the latter her new BFF due to being “such a good listener.”


VECTORS BECOME COMPLICATED

¶3. At a sleepover of the MSP clique the evening of Sept. 25, at which one other girl was selected to attend—most likely for her nuanced beauty and sensitive personality, which her mother assured her will just take the eighth-grade boys longer to appreciate, and not because she lives on the same street as Sollers—chatter was picked up which made public the fact that Paulette also considered Sollers “hot” now that he no longer has that bad mustache. When Michelle pressed as to whether Paulette had “feelings” for Sollers, Paulette firmly distanced herself from her previous statement, saying, “No, of course not, he’s so immature. I’m only into freshmen now.” Michelle appeared temporarily placated, though when Paulette excused herself to the restroom before retiring, Michelle suggested, to general laughter, that Paulette was taking a long time because “she has to flush down all the tissues and cotton balls.”


A LETTER IS DELIVERED

¶4. On an Oct. 5 three-way Skype videoconference during which the girl of the underappreciated beauty and sensitivity was present at Sarah F.’s house but hiding under the bed, Michelle divulged that she had received a text from Taylor asking if she were the source of the note deposited in Sollers’s locker. Forty-seven additional texts indicated that the note had professed Michelle’s “undying luv LOLOL” for Sollers and was sealed with a red lipstick imprint. Michelle alleged that Paulette was the mole, either separately or in collusion with Sarah F., based on evidence that only Paulette is allowed to wear makeup. The two accused members denounced the act in the strongest possible terms, asserting its fundamental “heinous[ness]” and proposing it as the handiwork of Elsa Horner, of the Elsa-Tamryn-Olivia axis, whose cross-clique provocations have grown more aggressive ever since she got her braces off and lost most, but not all, of her baby fat.


COMPETITION FOR RESOURCES INFLAMES TEMPERS

¶5. At the Homecoming Dance of Oct. 30, held at the gymnasium, anonymous sources passed along information that Sollers and Taylor had smuggled in contraband alcohol and tobacco, which were clandestinely consumed in the second-floor custodial closet. Perhaps emboldened by the ease with which they deceived chaperones and breath inspectors Mr. Boland and Mrs. Weiss, the duo penetrated the no-man’s-land of the boy-girl dance-floor at approximately 9:18 p.m. Sollers insinuated himself into the MSP cluster during “We R Who We R” by Ke$ha via an awesome spin move he has obviously been practicing from YouTube videos. The MSP clique danced around Sollers while proximal female and male elements of lower power structures observed in envy, until Elsa Horner breached the circular border and incentivized Sollers to exit with the promise of reaching second base, also in the second-floor custodial closet. Post-dance, each member of MSP claimed sole responsibility for drawing the initial attentions of Sollers and blamed the others for his abrupt departure with Horner, leading to various declarations of dissent in the parking lot as they waited for Michelle’s mom to pick them up, the effective dissolution of the coalition, and the lachrymose ruination of Paulette’s Cover Girl LashBlast mascara.


COMMENT

¶6. The Sollers Episode highlights the unstable dynamics of boy-girl relationships and girl-girl popularity skirmishes. Future incidents must be dealt with in a more transparent manner to safeguard and cultivate crushes both unrequited and requited. As a result of MSP’s impolitic negotiations, a Facebook update confirms that Sollers and Horner are now in a relationship, upgraded from 13 consecutive days of “It’s complicated.” Invitations proffered via Twitter to Sarah F. to “chillax” this weekend went ignored as she has allied herself with the stuck-up Neiman twins. It is further advised that the entire debacle might have been averted had MSP correctly identified what is, in all probability, the true target of Sollers’s romantic aspirations: a girl he has affectionately dubbed “Runt” due to his towering directly over her whenever the grade lines up in alphabetical order.