Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
Question: I’ve seen it done different ways on TV and in the movies, and they always say you’re supposed to clip the red wire or definitely not the blue wire. It always seems like it changes. So what I’m wondering is: How do you defuse an atomic bomb? —Vanessa
Answer: So Mr. Bond, we meet again. Your clever pseudonym belies your true identity.
You have infiltrated my lair, though if I were you I’d consider my mission very far from “accomplished”—very far indeed.
I have been expecting you, Mr. Bond. I tracked your every move: Montenegro, Puerto Vallarta, Atlantic City, all the way here to the inner chamber of my undersea base.
I trust you were warmed by the welcome mat I laid out for you? Though your gadgetry made quick work of my man-eating apes—an exploding banana is hardly the level of sophistication I would expect from your Q—you are slipping, Mr. Bond.
But not so fast! Are you sure you emerged from their assault unscathed? Not even a scratch? For your sake, I hope you are correct—for they all had rabies. That’s right, Mr. Bond—prepare to die, Slowly, so very slowly.
And yet still you persist. Very well, Mr. Bond—as you wish.
After the apes, poor Zorba…Zorba, my assassin, who now lays at the bottom of the Marinas Trench, his tensile thighs forever frozen in his final choke hold. About that I can only say: Kudos, Mr. Bond, kudos.
Yet where Zorba failed, I shall not.
Upon entering my control dome, you did not find your prey, did you? [Chuckles] No, I am not there—and as you shall see, the hunter has indeed become the hunted.
You see, Mr. Bond, the moment you overrode my parental controls and tapped into my computer system, a timer was set—and with it, your imminent demise.
The timer, you wonder? Ah yes… The device in the center of the room will detonate in exactly five minutes—and that means your deadline does approach!
Your governments have failed you, Mr. Bond. They have received my repeated electronic missives, requesting they deposit a sum of 30 million U.S. dollars into the bank account of Mr. Kabir Bello, of the deposed royalty of Namibia. Have they responded? No.
And so we have entered a more… explosive situation—and the clock is ticking!
Your first attempt at thwarting my bombs was little more than a shot in the dark… Google provided far too many results, did it not, Mr. Bond? How to pick? What to choose? Or were you feeling lucky, Mr. Bond?
Answers.com promised its namesake’s wares, yet you found nothing. You tried howtodefuseanatomicbomb.about.com and were redirected to a shopping guide on terriers. You could not find the one thing you were looking for: HOW TO DEFUSE AN ATOMIC BOMB.
You also read many U2 fan blogs, but to no avail.
Until you finally made your way here, Mr. Bond, to this very web page. Oh, what a tangled world wide web we weave!
Try saying that three times fast, Mr. Bond. Your failures will only lose you time!
Perhaps you will check your email. Will you find your elusive answer there? Or will you find only a thousand deadly spam messages with subjects such as “HOW TO DEFUSE AN ATOMIC BOMB—FIND OUT HERE”?
Ah yes, and in case you’re wondering what became of your lovely companion, you can click here. Do you believe you can overcome my army of pop-up windows? I think not.
Goodbye, Mr. Bond!
