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Spoofs & Satire

How James Yeh Is Celebrating Christmas in San Francisco

Sometimes you can’t make it home for the holidays: Just ask our writer, who recently moved away from his hometown in rural South Carolina. We asked people from his high school what they thought he was up to; here’s what we learned.

“Acting homosexual.”
—Girlfriend, 12th grade

“Blasphemizing.”
—Choir director

“Grabbing his ankles.”
—P.E. teacher

“Listening to George Michael.”
—Custodian

“Wearing a mistletoe belt while prancing through the Castro.”
—Nurse

“Sodomy.”
—Nurse’s aide

“Contemplating child molestation.”
—Girlfriend, 11th grade

“Playing beer pong with eggnog and limp-wristing his shots.”
—Varsity quarterback

“Getting a sex change.”
—Captain, speech and debate team

“Shopping.”
—Principal

“Negatively influencing our children.”
—Assistant principal

“Enjoying the company of strange men.”
—Receptionist

“Lying to his parents.”
—Classmate

“Getting his stocking stuffed. Or vice-versa.”
—Girlfriend, 10th grade

“Listening to Ricky Martin.”
—Mascot

“Riding the Hershey Highway.”
—Valedictorian

“Lurking in a men’s room.”
—Guidance counselor

“Dressing up like Mrs. Claus.”
—Lunchlady

“Watching Will and Grace.”
—A.P. Chemistry teacher

“Feeling guilty.”
—Custodian

“Trying on women’s jeans.”
—Driver’s ed instructor

“Playing with himself.”
—Yearbook editor

“Buying hair product.”
—Academic Decathlon sponsor

“Whatever it is, I hope he’s being careful.”
—Girl who sat next to him in Pre-Cal

“He’s shopping—trust me.”
—Best friend

“Smoking the sausage.”
—Foreign exchange student