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Spoofs & Satire

From the Files of the Dream Police

They’re waiting for you. They’re looking for you. Every single night they’re on duty, ready to drive you insane. Stories from the blotter of the men inside your brain.

The dream police, they live inside of my head.
The dream police, they come to me in my bed.
The dream police, they’re coming to arrest me.
“The Dream Police,” Cheap Trick

On May 17, 1:25 a.m., officers entered a public high school, where they found Mr. Curtis Newfeld, 38, wearing only his underpants in a classroom full of minors. Threatened with a charge of indecent exposure, the offender claimed to have no idea where his clothes were and insisted that, despite his fear of being discovered, no one seemed aware of his state of undress. Officers then proceeded to beat the offender about the head and shoulders while nobody in the room bothered to notice.

 

On May 17, 2:06 a.m., officers observed Mr. Raymond Kess flying above the city, performing loops, dives, and similar reckless maneuvers. When the offender ignored all orders to land, officers were forced to shoot him out of the sky with beanbag rounds. The offender then crashed to the ground in a massive fireball that made no sense yet may have revealed, somewhat ironically, a deep-seated fear of commercial air travel. After the offender picked himself up, unharmed, a breathalyzer test detected zero evidence of alcohol consumption, although it did indicate that his blood content consisted of 100 percent Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup. No charges were filed under the condition that the offender attends a course on flying safety.

 

On May 17, 2:49 a.m., officers were dispatched to an apartment building where Ms. Linda Hiller was observed running along endless, twisting corridors, screaming in desperation, banging on walls, and just generally disturbing the peace. Officers perceived such behavior as a full psychotic breakdown brought on by extended drug use, or severe mental stress, or a vague feeling of being lost and directionless. When officers escorted her down to the lobby, the elevator plunged uncontrollably through the ground floor, all the way down to the bowels of Hell, where the offender paid a fine of $75.

 

On May 17, 3:32 a.m., officers entered a corporate conference room, where they found Mr. Curtis Newfeld giving a business presentation while wearing only his underpants. Human Resources was immediately informed. Officers then proceeded to beat the offender about the head and shoulders while those present, oblivious, discussed marketing strategies.

 

On May 17, 4:10 a.m., officers raided the house of Mr. Frank Burlinger, who, dressed as a sheik, possessed a “harem” consisting of two female coworkers, three women he’d seen at the mall, and last night’s waitress at Applebee’s. Facing arrest on charges of kidnapping and sexual excess, the offender—a lucid dreamer—transformed himself into a gazelle and leaped gracefully out the window. An APB was subsequently issued on all gazelles, as well as anyone who looked like they could possibly become, or have been at any time in the past, a gazelle.

 

On May 17, 5:41 a.m., officers observed Mrs. Julia Schmidt accepting an Academy Award for Best Actress despite the fact she lacked both the talent and the looks to act professionally. Officers charged her with impersonating an award nominee and imprisoned her in a giant paper bag, which she then failed to act her way out of. The offender was later ordered to maintain a distance of at least 500 feet from all similar ceremonies, excluding the People’s Choice Awards.

 

On May 17, 6:59 a.m., officers observed Mr. Curtis Newfeld standing in the middle of the turnpike while wearing only his underpants. Officers prepared to beat him about the head and shoulders, but an all-consuming alarm buzzed and the offender grinned triumphantly as he winked out of his dream existence. However, not having the strength to get out of bed just yet, the offender then hit the snooze button, rolled over, and was able to find his way back to the scene of the crime for another 10 minutes.

Ralph Gamelli has been published in The Big Jewel, McSweeney’s, Monkeybicycle, and Yankee Pot Roast. This is the part where he’s supposed to put down some little joke, but as always he refuses to bow to societal expectations. More by Ralph Gamelli