AlabamaChristian role-plays a Denny’s employee. Ana is a chicken fried steak.
AlaskaChristian is a bush pilot while Ana gamely plays a bush. The festivities are marred by the unexpected arrival of an aggressive Kodiak bear who wishes to make it a threesome.
ArizonaAna illegally crosses the border. Christian, dressed as a border patrol guard, Tasers her in the butt.
ArkansasLoyal, hard-working secretary Ana stays late on a Friday night, helping her boss Christian, a C-level Walmart human resources executive, “relax a little.” Security cameras film them doing unspeakable things with Sam Walton memorabilia.
CaliforniaChristian acts the part of an old-timey gold prospector. Ana shows up as a porn star. They check their texts to see where the misunderstanding might have occurred.
ColoradoChristian, as “Tim Tebow,” runs Ana, aka “the ball,” in for a touchdown. While booking the two for criminal trespass, security guards at Mile High remind them that Tebow is a Jet now.
ConnecticutChristian pretends to be a CPA from New Haven. Ana is a spreadsheet. The two sustain minor injuries while attempting to execute a particularly tricky “pivot table” maneuver.
DelawareChristian plays chairman of the board to Ana’s limited liability corporation. After determining they have a quorum, taking a shareholder vote and wrapping things up with a little erotic spanking, the two fall asleep watching Game of Thrones on hotel cable.
FloridaAna pretends to be an arthritic retiree while Christian lies in predacious wait as a very hungry crocodile.
GeorgiaChristian “Wolf Blitzer” Grey traps Ana “Christiane Amanpour” Steele in his “Situation Room” for a little anchor-on-anchor hanky panky. The festivities are marred by the unexpected arrival of an aggressive Jim Cramer, smelling of Coca-Cola and peaches and wanting to make it a threesome.
HawaiiAna, pretending to be a sacrificial virgin, literally throws herself at Christian, playing the role of a volcano. His subsequent injuries are confined to a chipped tooth and sprained penis and assumed to be non-life threatening.
Christian plays the part of famed New Orleans musician and gourmand Dr. John. Ana, ravishing as a fried oyster po’ boy, doesn’t stand a chance.
IdahoChristian role-plays a hungry traveling salesman. Ana is a baked potato. The Motel 6 in Pocatello levies a surcharge for the removal of sour cream and chives from the bed sheets.
IllinoisWith Christian doing his best Rahm Emanuel impersonation, the two lovers get it on against the right field wall at Wrigley Field. Soon after, Ana discovers a hitherto unknown allergy to ivy.
IndianaAna, pretending to be NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, pulls her stock car into the pit for fuel and a tire change. Crew chief Christian gets carried away and attempts to install his ball joint in her trunk, completely ruining the mood.
IowaChristian and Ana do it like people from Iowa. While driving by, a family on vacation from Oregon mistake what they see in the field as an instance of cow-tipping; they pull over to take pictures.
KansasAna and Christian perform a nude re-enactment of their favorite scene from the movie Twister, but the wind velocity generated by six Vornado room fans proves insufficient to lift a cow off the ground.
KentuckyChristian has one too many mint juleps and deflowers Ana’s Derby hat.
LouisianaChristian plays the part of famed New Orleans musician and gourmand Dr. John. Ana, ravishing as a fried oyster po’ boy, doesn’t stand a chance.
MaineAna pretends to be a lobster. Christian is a moose. Together they enact the most outlandish experiment in interspecies sexual relations the world has ever seen.
MarylandChristian role-plays a Chesapeake Bay fisherman. Ana, tired from all the travel, interprets her role as “The Crab” by skipping sex and reading a magazine instead.
MassachusettsWith Christian doing his best John F. Kennedy impersonation, the two lovers get it on all over Plymouth Rock. Ana, uncertain whether she’s Jackie O. or Marilyn Monroe, is soon immobilized with a bad case of sand-induced chafe.
MichiganContract talks between “Chrysler president” Christian and “UAW negotiator” Ana come to a stalemate over compensation, benefits, and the fair and equitable distribution of handjobs. The stage is set for “binding arbitration” when Christian realizes he forgot his duffle of ropes and handcuffs on the airport baggage carousel.
MinnesotaChristian acts the part of a Mall of America security guard. Ana is a shoplifter. After an intense interrogation and compulsory strip search, they pick up his-and-hers matching hoodies at American Apparel and stop at the food court for an Orange Julius.
MississippiChristian pretends to be a catfish-noodler. Ana is the catfish. Their intimacy ceases abruptly when Ana realizes that “noodling” involves the insertion of fists.
MissouriChristian pretends to be Tom Sawyer. Ana is a picket fence. Needing a break from all the kinky sex, Christian pays a couple of bums to whitewash her and takes in a Cardinals game instead.
MontanaChristian and Ana re-enact Custer’s Last Stand. In the process, “Little Big Horn” replaces “Mitt Romney” as the new favorite euphemism for Christian’s penis.
NebraskaAna role-plays an ear of corn that Christian husks quite lustily.
NevadaAroused after an evening watching Cirque du Soleil, Ana and Christian transform their Caesar’s Palace hotel room into a flying circus. Ana suffers a bruised coccyx when the drywall anchors give way and their improvised sex harness/trapeze pulls down part of the ceiling.
New HampshireAna and Christian are drawn to a spot on the map called Pinkham Notch, mostly because its name sounds kind of kinky. Anticipating an Eden for solitude and outdoor sex, they are instead disappointed to discover a bustling visitor center overrun by pasty New Englanders wearing socks with their Tevas.
New JerseyChristian and Ana reenact that infamous scene from The Sopranos where Tony dresses up as a Furry and Carmela, in full dominatrix gear, gives him the “bada bing” with the business end of a Cuban cigar.
New MexicoChristian pretends to be an Area 51 security guard. Ana is an alien visitor from a distant planet. Together they enact the most outlandish experiment in intergalactic-species sexual relations the universe has ever seen.
Christian pretends to be Tom Sawyer. Ana is a picket fence. Needing a break from all the kinky sex, Christian pays a couple of bums to whitewash her and takes in a Cardinals game instead.