Justice League Avengers: Manchild Uprising
DC and Marvel Comics unite for the first time on the big screen. When an army of middle-aged men in Iron Man T-shirts storm the Justice League to avenge the heresy of merging the two comic book universes, heroes from DC and Marvel team up to protect superherokind. In addition to Aquaman, Superman, and Captain America, Justice League Avengers will feature less familiar superheroes such as Bolphunga, Cicada, King Tut, Poundcakes, Thundarr, Valerie Van Haaften, Ferret Boy, and the Green Juggalo. (Cameos by the Hulk, Thor, and Zach Galifianakis.)
Pinocchio and the Desert Storm Sniper
Fans of Snow White and the Huntsman will be excited for this dark reimagining of the Pinocchio story. A star-studded cast includes Shia LaBeouf (Pinocchio), Jon Voight (Geppetto), Matthew McConaughey (Jiminy Cricket), and Nick Nolte (Desert Storm Sniper). Trend watch: Cinderella and the Crossbow and Beauty and the C.H.U.D. are both in preproduction, so stay tuned!
Booker T. Washington Fucks Up the Mummy
Hot off the heels of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, this action-packed romp is the second in a trilogy that will climax in 2014 with Harriet Tubman: Undead Shark Slayer. (Cameo by the Hulk.)
The Oscar Winner
Oscar buzz is already stirring for Meryl Streep’s latest biopic The Oscar Winner, starring Meryl Streep as herself. Early previews suggest that Streep nails her angelic poise and signature self-satisfaction with a grace that only a true star of middlebrow film could achieve. As always, this chameleon of an actress showcases her enviable range by refusing to stay in her comfort zone.
The latest offering from the people who brought you Toy Story 5 and Kung Fu Car With Farting Tailpipe. A wise-cracking Lite-Brite® Peg Refill Set finds adventure when he’s mistakenly locked inside a Toys-R-Us overnight with a My Little Pony® Glimmer-Wings action figure.
A prequel to indie favorite Drive, about a nearly mute hit man who parks cars. Starring Ryan Gosling, a toothpick, and a jacket that—spoiler alert—has a wolf decal instead of a scorpion. Music by Chrome Walkie Talkie and Neon Vulva. (Cameo by Thor.)
Tyler Perry’s Amos ‘n Andy ‘n Madea
Tyler Perry’s uproarious Madea Simmons goes back in time. And if you thought jokes about chitlins and cornbread delivered by a sassy overweight “woman” in a muumuu who says stuff like “Halleluyer praise da lort!” were funny in this era, just wait ‘til you meet Amos ‘n Andy! With Eugene Levy.
50 Hot Flashes of Menopause
Literature buffs and undersexed housewives from Minnesota are equally excited about Bret Easton Ellis’s screen adaptation of the first book from the 50 Hot Flashes of Menopause trilogy: Smack That Ass Red, Christian Grey. We haven’t seen a trailer this steamy since Jonathan Safran Foer collaborated on the screenplay to Wild Orchid 3: Everything Is Illuminated, Incredibly Close, and Extremely Wet.
Tim Burton’s Haunted Forrest Gump
Johnny Depp plays Gump in this gothic reimagining of the Tom Hanks classic, filmed in overly-saturated hues with fog, spider webs and gnarled tree branches. Starring Helena Bonham Carter, Paul Reubens, Alan Rickman, Winona Ryder, Christopher Walken, and a cast of other actors who have pale skin, black hair, and/or rockabilly pompadours. Music by Danny Elfman.
I Love This Country… Not!
Yakov Smirnoff and Sasha Baron Cohen team up in this madcap comedy about two thick-accented foreigners. Smirnoff is a good-natured businessman who loves this country; Cohen is, well, NOT!
Underworld: Nocturnal Pubescent Emission
In a world where Vampires, Werewolves, and Lycans threaten to bring humanity to the brink of a hellish extinction, Kate Beckinsale is wearing a tight, so-shiny-it-looks-wet, latex bodysuit in IMAX 3D.
Margot Tenenbaum vs. Max Fischer
In the tradition of Alien vs. Predator, director Wes Anderson plots Margot and Max—his two most memorable twee creations—in an epic battle to see who can be the most adorably precious. Early teasers hint at plotlines including a Trapper Keeper, a Bunsen burner, an extinct bird known as the Slender-Billed Curlew, alphabet refrigerator magnets, and Bill Murray in a tweed suit. With fonts including Rotis Semi Serif and Berthold Light Condensed Italic. Music by Sufjan Stevens and Crocheted Lampshade. (Cameo by a vintage Hulk lunchbox.)