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Spoofs & Satire

A Tour of the George W. Bush Presidential Library

His father is known as a cheerful correspondent, while his predecessor just released a thousand-page memoir. How will Dub-Dub be remembered when his papers are collected?

Now that you’ve signed your loyalty oath, let’s get started! Welcome to the George W. Bush Presidential Library’s Automatic Self-Guided Audio Tour. Please note you cannot pause during the tour, turn down the volume, or ask any questions.

After passing through the Lobby of Justice, you’ll start down the Corridor of Freedom. On your left, you’ll see the Ground Zero Archives. Inside this room is a real section of the World Trade Center, which collapsed on Sept. 11, 2001, after it was attacked by cowards.

Using a special chemical process, the library is able to keep this section of the World Trade Center burning and producing thick, acrid smoke forever. Behind the smoke, out of view, behind a very small door, in unlabeled boxes, in no particular order, are the archives themselves—over 500,000 documents related to President Bush’s brave fight against terrorism.

Breathe deep the smell of burning freedom and walk back out to the Corridor of Freedom. To your left you’ll find the Chapel of Heroes and the Chapel of Freedom. In the Chapel of Heroes, you’ll find many photos of President George W. Bush standing next to firemen, shaking hands with policemen, and compassionately serving decorative turkeys to soldiers in Iraq. In the Chapel of Freedom, you’ll find the legendary official portrait of George W. Bush, by Thomas Kincade himself.

The tour will now take a five-minute break so you can acknowledge Jesus as your personal savior.

Congratulations! Back in the Corridor of Freedom, and to your right, is the Collaboration Room, dedicated to a brave American, Colin Powell, and containing many photos of Colin Powell deferring to the president. There is also a small bust of Powell at the room’s entrance. It’s an unofficial library tradition to rub his head for good luck!

Outside of the Collaboration Room is the Mission Accomplished Wing. Here you can see and touch the flight suit President George W. Bush wore during his triumphant landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln to mark the end of the conflict in Iraq. Next to the flight suit you’ll find several slabs of black material. These are the president’s records from the Air National Guard, kept safely away from the prying eyes of America’s enemies, and covered in nine layers of official redaction paint.

A bit further down the Corridor of Freedom you’ll find the original location of the Dick Cheney Archives. Due to security concerns, these have been moved to an undisclosed location. Do you see the large coptic jar on a marble pedestal? It contains the Heart of Dick Cheney, removed in 1991. That makes Dick Cheney the only member of the Executive Branch to serve while missing a major organ since Andrew Johnson was elected president without a liver.

Finally, walk quickly past the Civil Liberties Nook and you’ll enter the George W. Bush Presidential Library Freedom Gift Shop. President Bush has yet to visit the library himself, but he has often said it will be his favorite part of the library when he visits. In the gift shop, you can purchase absolutely nothing related to the years 1965–1978.

This concludes your tour.

Oh! Wait! I almost forgot! There’s an Afghanistan room, too.

biopic

TMN Contributing Writer Paul Ford is the author of Gary Benchley, Rock Star, a novel that was originally serialized here on TMN. He was formerly an editor at Harper’s Magazine, was an occasional commentator on NPR’s All Things Considered, and is now sole proprietor of Ftrain.com (which has a Facebook group). More by Paul Ford