The Non-Expert
You Can’t Handle the Truth
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week: A hysterical reader can’t continue with her life until she knows the truth, and ROSECRANS BALDWIN tries to help by putting Tom Cruise in the White House, and Katie Holmes at Oberlin.
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* * *
Question: “Tom and Katie in Paris, Tom and Katie saving orphans in Sri Lanka, Tom and Katie and TOM AND KATIE! UGHGHGHG!!!! The media has a zillion stupid stories AND ALL THEY DO IS TALK NONSENSE. Do you guys know the truth? Are they for real? What is THE TRUTH??” —Lizzie H.
Answer: The truth is hard to find, especially when it’s coming from the mouths of stars, where truth is less like a simple correct statement than an aborted deer carcass with four blue eyes, an odor like grilled fish, and a Bartok symphony playing softly from its mouth—something no one understands.
The way to solve the problem, to find clarity, is to go straight to the words, the language we can pin down and examine. Of course, it helps to fit the language into convenient forms for translation: Pairing Tom with that beacon of clear rhetoric, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, and Katie with contemporary poetry.
Tom Cruise and Scott McClellan Share a Conversation
source material one, two
McClellan: I’d like to begin by talking about the week of accomplishment in the United States Congress.
Cruise: Well, you know, same old, same old.
McC: Hang on. This is a difficult issue.
C: Same old you know what.
McC: But let me talk about this issue.
C: I have to tell you. It’s just a great time in my life. I’m really happy. And, you know, I’m engaged.
McC: Of course, you don’t want to talk about it.
C: I’m going to be married. I can’t restrain myself.
McC: Then don’t make a broad statement, like you did.
C: I just do what I do. I love making movies.
McC: I’m sure you’ll be reporting on it later tonight.
C: And I feel privileged to be able to do that, always.
McC: Are you going to let me respond?
C: I’m a father, you know. I always wanted to be a father. Remember when you first held your child?
McC: No, I addressed that question a long time ago.
C: It’s like wow, tremendous sense of responsibility.
McC: Okay, thank you. No one seems to want to talk about the great progress this week in Congress, but—
C: But here’s the point. I don’t even get into that game. I’m just living my life.
McC: Hang on, hang on.
C: I like hearing good news, you know. If something good happens to you, it’s nice.
McC: Let’s stick to this, yes. That’s exactly the point.
C: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem.
McC: Do you have a follow-up?
C: There’s ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things…
McC: An additional 3,000.
C: You don’t even know what Ritalin is.
McC: What’s that?
C: You’re advocating it.
McC: I gave it out this morning.
C: The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.
McC: I think the President has made his position very clear.
C: I’m just living my life.
McC: This is relating to the taxpayer dollars. That’s the President’s decision.
C: I’m passionate about life.
McC: Is there a question?
C: I can’t discuss this.
McC: I’m not going anywhere.
C: I like sitting here talking—
McC: Okay, thank you—
C: Because I don’t talk about things that I don’t understand.
McC: Great, welcome.
* * *
“When I Pick Roles,” by Katie Holmes
source material
I’ve never met anyone
like Tom. Tom is
the most incredible man in the world.
I feel so lucky and so—
Meeting Tom—I’m just exhilarated.
He makes me
laugh,
we have fun, we understand
each other,
everything is so aligned.
I feel so lucky and so—
You know,
we appreciate each other.
When I pick roles, I ask, first,
is this a story
that I want to tell? Will I be an asset to it?
I’m excited to keep expanding
and finding different roles to play.
I feel so lucky and so—
Such an honor. Such an honor. You have to know
Tom. First of all, he wants
to help people.
He doesn’t put pressure on people.
He is the kindest,
smartest, most adoring man.
It’s a pleasure
and a privilege
to be with him.
I feel so lucky and so—
I can do splits too.
On that note, I love him.
Question: “Tom and Katie in Paris, Tom and Katie saving orphans in Sri Lanka, Tom and Katie and TOM AND KATIE! UGHGHGHG!!!! The media has a zillion stupid stories AND ALL THEY DO IS TALK NONSENSE. Do you guys know the truth? Are they for real? What is THE TRUTH??” —Lizzie H.
Answer: The truth is hard to find, especially when it’s coming from the mouths of stars, where truth is less like a simple correct statement than an aborted deer carcass with four blue eyes, an odor like grilled fish, and a Bartok symphony playing softly from its mouth—something no one understands.
The way to solve the problem, to find clarity, is to go straight to the words, the language we can pin down and examine. Of course, it helps to fit the language into convenient forms for translation: Pairing Tom with that beacon of clear rhetoric, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, and Katie with contemporary poetry.
Tom Cruise and Scott McClellan Share a Conversation
source material one, two
McClellan: I’d like to begin by talking about the week of accomplishment in the United States Congress.
Cruise: Well, you know, same old, same old.
McC: Hang on. This is a difficult issue.
C: Same old you know what.
McC: But let me talk about this issue.
C: I have to tell you. It’s just a great time in my life. I’m really happy. And, you know, I’m engaged.
McC: Of course, you don’t want to talk about it.
C: I’m going to be married. I can’t restrain myself.
McC: Then don’t make a broad statement, like you did.
C: I just do what I do. I love making movies.
McC: I’m sure you’ll be reporting on it later tonight.
C: And I feel privileged to be able to do that, always.
McC: Are you going to let me respond?
C: I’m a father, you know. I always wanted to be a father. Remember when you first held your child?
McC: No, I addressed that question a long time ago.
C: It’s like wow, tremendous sense of responsibility.
McC: Okay, thank you. No one seems to want to talk about the great progress this week in Congress, but—
C: But here’s the point. I don’t even get into that game. I’m just living my life.
McC: Hang on, hang on.
C: I like hearing good news, you know. If something good happens to you, it’s nice.
McC: Let’s stick to this, yes. That’s exactly the point.
C: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem.
McC: Do you have a follow-up?
C: There’s ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things…
McC: An additional 3,000.
C: You don’t even know what Ritalin is.
McC: What’s that?
C: You’re advocating it.
McC: I gave it out this morning.
C: The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.
McC: I think the President has made his position very clear.
C: I’m just living my life.
McC: This is relating to the taxpayer dollars. That’s the President’s decision.
C: I’m passionate about life.
McC: Is there a question?
C: I can’t discuss this.
McC: I’m not going anywhere.
C: I like sitting here talking—
McC: Okay, thank you—
C: Because I don’t talk about things that I don’t understand.
McC: Great, welcome.
“When I Pick Roles,” by Katie Holmes
source material
I’ve never met anyone
like Tom. Tom is
the most incredible man in the world.
I feel so lucky and so—
Meeting Tom—I’m just exhilarated.
He makes me
laugh,
we have fun, we understand
each other,
everything is so aligned.
I feel so lucky and so—
You know,
we appreciate each other.
When I pick roles, I ask, first,
is this a story
that I want to tell? Will I be an asset to it?
I’m excited to keep expanding
and finding different roles to play.
I feel so lucky and so—
Such an honor. Such an honor. You have to know
Tom. First of all, he wants
to help people.
He doesn’t put pressure on people.
He is the kindest,
smartest, most adoring man.
It’s a pleasure
and a privilege
to be with him.
I feel so lucky and so—
I can do splits too.
On that note, I love him.
—Published August 5, 2005
