The Non-Expert
What Your Christmas Tree Says About You
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN addresses the great American class divider: Are your tree lights white or colored, or even (gasp) blinking?
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Question: My wife’s family decorates the Christmas tree with colored lights. My family uses white lights. It’s our first Christmas together. Seriously, I’m afraid of one side or the other disowning us if we misstep here. —Anonymous
Answer: When I spoke with my aunt the other day, I told her what I’d used to decorate my Christmas tree this year: cigarettes. No, I told her that we used white lights and silver tinsel, but from the way she erupted you’d think I said “ placentas on silver hooks” or “menorahs.”
“Tinsel?” she shouted.“TINSEL?”
My family does not use colored lights. That’s for people who are warm-blooded. At most a sprig of ivy may grace our Labradors’ collars. In the town where I grew up people decorate the grills of their Jeep Wagoneers with wreaths—better for ramming home the Christmas cheer.
“MY GOD YOU MEAN—”
My aunt calmed down when I explained I meant those silver ropes of tinsel you dangle around the tree, not the silver tinsel “icicles” people drape one by one on the branches. She sighed and started laughing. I hung up the phone. Our family’s stock hadn’t been sullied by cheap decorations available at stores with enormous parking lots; her heart attack could be avoided for a few more years.
Next year I’m braiding a wreath of placentas and wearing it on my face. Until then, a few thoughts on what your Christmas tree says about you, as in:
Question: My wife’s family decorates the Christmas tree with colored lights. My family uses white lights. It’s our first Christmas together. Seriously, I’m afraid of one side or the other disowning us if we misstep here. —Anonymous
Answer: When I spoke with my aunt the other day, I told her what I’d used to decorate my Christmas tree this year: cigarettes. No, I told her that we used white lights and silver tinsel, but from the way she erupted you’d think I said “ placentas on silver hooks” or “menorahs.”
“Tinsel?” she shouted.“TINSEL?”
My family does not use colored lights. That’s for people who are warm-blooded. At most a sprig of ivy may grace our Labradors’ collars. In the town where I grew up people decorate the grills of their Jeep Wagoneers with wreaths—better for ramming home the Christmas cheer.
“MY GOD YOU MEAN—”
My aunt calmed down when I explained I meant those silver ropes of tinsel you dangle around the tree, not the silver tinsel “icicles” people drape one by one on the branches. She sighed and started laughing. I hung up the phone. Our family’s stock hadn’t been sullied by cheap decorations available at stores with enormous parking lots; her heart attack could be avoided for a few more years.
Next year I’m braiding a wreath of placentas and wearing it on my face. Until then, a few thoughts on what your Christmas tree says about you, as in:
| A metal pole | |
| A menorah | |
| From your neighbor’s yard | |
| A 20-foot Fraser fir | |
| A four-inch fungus | |
| Singing | |
| A great kisser | |
| The smallest in the lot | |
| One in a million | |
| Already tossed | |
| Homicidal | |
| On fire | |
| Upside-down | |
| Negging your mel | |
| Held in place by a dead elf | |
| Needle-less | |
| Pre-decorated | |
| The fourth you’ve bought | |
| Stolen | |
| A couch, upended, with a star on top | |
| Brown | |
| Made of gold | |
| Fake | |
| Pulsing | |
| Surrounded by fake presents |
—Published December 9, 2005
