The Non-Expert
Wedding Toasts & Tips on Revenge
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN overturns the mailbag and tries to help several readers with pressing concerns.
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Occasionally the Non-Expert’s mailbag gets full. Occasionally, after a midnight pizza, the Non-Expert feels stuffed. Should the letters go unanswered? Should the Non-Expert, fearing nightmares and bulge, try Bulimia? Should we assume that the second question here is pointless since the Non-Expert believes in being skinny at all costs in order to wear those new trendy leg-tight jeans exploding around the East Village and go back to the first question—should letters go unanswered?
Or should wisdom and joy be dispersed in small packages down your collective chimneys? Merry Christmas. (And, for truth’s sake, the Non-Expert believes those jeans are ridiculous.)
Question: I am having a hard time with my boss at work. Are there any reasonably safe strategies for getting back at her but not getting caught?.—Julie R.
Answer: There are multiple reasonably safe strategies. Here are a few, and the Non-Expert would like to point out he’s not responsible if you get fired.
1. Try anonymity: Send your boss flowers signed with “thinking about you on the toilet.” Leave sexy cards on her desk, the kind decorated with shirtless firemen, with messages like, “i love you and He loves you too just remember He is all-seeing and He sees you when i fantasize about where you bear seeds.” Adopt a dying animal and leave it in her office, spray-painted with “you know who” on its flank. Fill the back of her filing cabinet drawers with raw hamburger.
2. Try maternity: Find out where her children go to school. Leave notes for them at the front desk explaining that their mother isn’t their real mother but is actually the identical twin of their real mother, Janice, who is waiting for them in Phoenix after surviving 14 years in a well. Make sure to include one-way bus tickets.
3. Try fire.
4. Try charity: Sign your boss up for AIDS walks, benefit auctions, and organ-donor programs, making sure to promise big pledges. Call Alzheimer’s support groups and request literature in her husband’s name. Foster children on the doorstep is foolproof.
5. Try taxidermy: It’s a great hobby and will definitely take your mind off your troubles.
Question: Isn’t polygamy just a way for men to have more sex?—Erin G.
Answer: You’re thinking of Rohypnol. Polygamy is a get-rich-quick scheme for feminists who want to live in a matriarchal society based on alimony and the assurance that their husband will only ask for sex every eighth night (when he visits).
Question: Hi Morning News. I have a question for your non-expert desk. Why does every guy at my school sit around with his hand down his pants? Thanks—Sanae T.
Answer: It’s kind of like asking why white people smell like dogs when they come in from the rain—they just do. Young men are naturally defensive about themselves and their first instinct at that age is to protect the home front. Blockage, as it were. They’re investing in your pleasure, presuming that you’re one of those women who find men desirable, and by drawing attention now to their privates they’re instinctually preparing you to be equally fixated down—
God, I can’t write that any further. Lies—all deciduous lies that never die. Sanae, boys hold their handbags because they already know that someday they’ll make more money than you for no good reason. Sorry about that.
Question: My sister’s getting married. Do you have any toasts?—Christopher R.
Answer: The best wedding toast I’ve heard was in New Hampshire last summer, a friends’ wedding where one of the groomsmen included a joke about two antennae getting married—and then something about a great reception. I was one of three people laughing, but I was the only one in tears.
Jokes improve a toast. So plan a small sentimental tribute. Tell two anecdotes—the first one about a humorous experience you shared with your sister when she was little, the second about something poignant that’s happened recently—and then find a theme shared between the two and unpackage it for your conclusion, ending with “To my beautiful sister.”
And to tie it all together with zest, insert these lines at different moments:
Occasionally the Non-Expert’s mailbag gets full. Occasionally, after a midnight pizza, the Non-Expert feels stuffed. Should the letters go unanswered? Should the Non-Expert, fearing nightmares and bulge, try Bulimia? Should we assume that the second question here is pointless since the Non-Expert believes in being skinny at all costs in order to wear those new trendy leg-tight jeans exploding around the East Village and go back to the first question—should letters go unanswered?
Or should wisdom and joy be dispersed in small packages down your collective chimneys? Merry Christmas. (And, for truth’s sake, the Non-Expert believes those jeans are ridiculous.)
Question: I am having a hard time with my boss at work. Are there any reasonably safe strategies for getting back at her but not getting caught?.—Julie R.
Answer: There are multiple reasonably safe strategies. Here are a few, and the Non-Expert would like to point out he’s not responsible if you get fired.
1. Try anonymity: Send your boss flowers signed with “thinking about you on the toilet.” Leave sexy cards on her desk, the kind decorated with shirtless firemen, with messages like, “i love you and He loves you too just remember He is all-seeing and He sees you when i fantasize about where you bear seeds.” Adopt a dying animal and leave it in her office, spray-painted with “you know who” on its flank. Fill the back of her filing cabinet drawers with raw hamburger.
2. Try maternity: Find out where her children go to school. Leave notes for them at the front desk explaining that their mother isn’t their real mother but is actually the identical twin of their real mother, Janice, who is waiting for them in Phoenix after surviving 14 years in a well. Make sure to include one-way bus tickets.
3. Try fire.
4. Try charity: Sign your boss up for AIDS walks, benefit auctions, and organ-donor programs, making sure to promise big pledges. Call Alzheimer’s support groups and request literature in her husband’s name. Foster children on the doorstep is foolproof.
5. Try taxidermy: It’s a great hobby and will definitely take your mind off your troubles.
Question: Isn’t polygamy just a way for men to have more sex?—Erin G.
Answer: You’re thinking of Rohypnol. Polygamy is a get-rich-quick scheme for feminists who want to live in a matriarchal society based on alimony and the assurance that their husband will only ask for sex every eighth night (when he visits).
Question: Hi Morning News. I have a question for your non-expert desk. Why does every guy at my school sit around with his hand down his pants? Thanks—Sanae T.
Answer: It’s kind of like asking why white people smell like dogs when they come in from the rain—they just do. Young men are naturally defensive about themselves and their first instinct at that age is to protect the home front. Blockage, as it were. They’re investing in your pleasure, presuming that you’re one of those women who find men desirable, and by drawing attention now to their privates they’re instinctually preparing you to be equally fixated down—
God, I can’t write that any further. Lies—all deciduous lies that never die. Sanae, boys hold their handbags because they already know that someday they’ll make more money than you for no good reason. Sorry about that.
Question: My sister’s getting married. Do you have any toasts?—Christopher R.
Answer: The best wedding toast I’ve heard was in New Hampshire last summer, a friends’ wedding where one of the groomsmen included a joke about two antennae getting married—and then something about a great reception. I was one of three people laughing, but I was the only one in tears.
Jokes improve a toast. So plan a small sentimental tribute. Tell two anecdotes—the first one about a humorous experience you shared with your sister when she was little, the second about something poignant that’s happened recently—and then find a theme shared between the two and unpackage it for your conclusion, ending with “To my beautiful sister.”
And to tie it all together with zest, insert these lines at different moments:
- “In other families, sodomy’s only for special occasions.”
- “It wasn’t death that killed my grandmother. I mean, it was, but [look at Joe’s wife] there were contributing factors.”
- “A first marriage is special, a second is more routine. Today we’re here to celebrate…”
- “First I’d like to toast my favorite relatives: Uncles Jim, Jack, and Jamie-san, and how about a little shout-out [look at mom] for someone’s favorite El Capitan-o Jose Cuervo.”
- “Can I have the microphone back, please?”
- “Remember, humans are the only animals who get married, so whatever you guys get up to tonight, keep it sophisticated!”
- “They say fantasizing about your sister naked is taboo. [insert ending]”
—Published March 31, 2006
