The Non-Expert
Revised Merit Badges
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN supplies a former Girl Scout with some new badges designed for today’s perplexing world.
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
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Question: dear non expert, my life is a mess. i am a total washout as an adult. i am 23 and i feel like i’m still 12. i am totally unprepared. my friend just said my haircut looks like a tortilla chip (i’m in a starbucks, sweet!!) i am not looking for help but i hope by sending you this note i will get motivated to get my act together or at the very least go see mission impossible tonight. why do I still feel like i’m in girl scouts except now guys are in the mix? —Alexis
Answer: Scout programs are intended to train you for life’s hard road. As a former scout myself—an Eagle scout, in fact, the kind who still marched in the Memorial Day Parade too long after he’d started shaving—I look back on those years of pyromania, bullying, and shopping from military hardware catalogues as a sturdy foundation for my current domestic life. I’m sad to hear your memories aren’t so fond.
But perhaps you didn’t get the proper training for today’s world? The Scouts aren’t very up-to-date—quibbling over gay leaders and atheist Scouts seems a bit silly considering the quibblers are all wearing neckerchiefs. Why not some merit badges for contemporary life? Why not some training for these days of terrorist threats? Instead of awarding points for orienteering, why not encourage asian-american-teering?
Equipment needed:
—Pole
—Skimpy underwear (or, twine)
—Croatian bouncer
Requirements:
—Describe to your counselor (7) techniques you can use to elicit arousal from a midday audience.
—Demonstrate (6) clever uses for one-dollar bills.
—Plan a community event in which you and (3) friends demonstrate your new routines, preferably near a highway exit.
Equipment needed:
—Computer
—Email account
—Internet connection
Requirements:
—Send an email to your mother saying that you will keep a recent indiscretion of hers “your little secret.” Bcc: your father’s partners at the firm.
—Describe to your counselor how you’d reveal an unwanted pregnancy to both your priest and your boyfriend.
—You learn a lower-level colleague has been making twice your salary because he’s sucking up to the manager. On your complaint note to HR, who do you bcc: the COO, CEO, or CFO?
Equipment needed:
—Eight-inch chef’s knife
—Poor people
—Saltines (to cleanse the palate)
Requirements:
—While blindfolded, distinguish by taste between a) Native American flesh, b) Dutch flesh, c) Thai flesh.
—Draw a “Fat, yum!” map for a typical young-adult male. Superimpose your map on a live subject with permanent marker. Dice then construct a jigsaw puzzle for your Troop to reassemble.
—Note: If you yourself are poor, volunteer to help other Scouts with their requirements.
Equipment needed:
—Emergency readiness kit
—Michael Chertoff poster
—Cyanide pill locket
Requirements:
—Build a diorama of your “worst fears,” then destroy it using a pair of nail scissors. This helps illustrate a) how petty and small your fears are compared to most people’s; and b) how difficult and time-consuming ridding yourself of them can be, considering your tepid will and brain.
—Lock yourself in the basement for (6) weeks.
—As a group exercise, run away to a large city and don’t tell your parents.
Equipment needed:
—1 tablespoon lime juice
—1 lime wedge
—4 ice cubes
—2 ounces tequila
—1/2 ounce Triple-sec
—Salt
Requirements:
—Rub the rim of your glass with the lime wedge, then dip in salt. Combine remaining ingredients in a mixing glass and stir well. Strain into the prepared cocktail glass and garnish with lime wedge. Repeat (6) times. Drive home and clip the hedges after purchasing (2) matching speedboats on the internet.
Equipment needed:
—Candles
—Pentagram
—Greatest Hits by Céline Dion (optional)
Requirements:
—Necrophilia, torture, sleep deprivation, black masses, live burial, and the swallowing whole of loaves of bread.
Question: dear non expert, my life is a mess. i am a total washout as an adult. i am 23 and i feel like i’m still 12. i am totally unprepared. my friend just said my haircut looks like a tortilla chip (i’m in a starbucks, sweet!!) i am not looking for help but i hope by sending you this note i will get motivated to get my act together or at the very least go see mission impossible tonight. why do I still feel like i’m in girl scouts except now guys are in the mix? —Alexis
Answer: Scout programs are intended to train you for life’s hard road. As a former scout myself—an Eagle scout, in fact, the kind who still marched in the Memorial Day Parade too long after he’d started shaving—I look back on those years of pyromania, bullying, and shopping from military hardware catalogues as a sturdy foundation for my current domestic life. I’m sad to hear your memories aren’t so fond.
But perhaps you didn’t get the proper training for today’s world? The Scouts aren’t very up-to-date—quibbling over gay leaders and atheist Scouts seems a bit silly considering the quibblers are all wearing neckerchiefs. Why not some merit badges for contemporary life? Why not some training for these days of terrorist threats? Instead of awarding points for orienteering, why not encourage asian-american-teering?
Pole Dancing
Summary: Great exercise, creative output, and (down the road) a handy marriage-saver—stripping is an educational treat for girls who hope not to die alone with books.Equipment needed:
—Pole
—Skimpy underwear (or, twine)
—Croatian bouncer
Requirements:
—Describe to your counselor (7) techniques you can use to elicit arousal from a midday audience.
—Demonstrate (6) clever uses for one-dollar bills.
—Plan a community event in which you and (3) friends demonstrate your new routines, preferably near a highway exit.
Bcc’ing
Summary: In today’s office, technology has fundamentally changed how people work, communicate, and metaphorically stab each other in the back.Equipment needed:
—Computer
—Email account
—Internet connection
Requirements:
—Send an email to your mother saying that you will keep a recent indiscretion of hers “your little secret.” Bcc: your father’s partners at the firm.
—Describe to your counselor how you’d reveal an unwanted pregnancy to both your priest and your boyfriend.
—You learn a lower-level colleague has been making twice your salary because he’s sucking up to the manager. On your complaint note to HR, who do you bcc: the COO, CEO, or CFO?
Degustation
Summary: In 50 years most educated humans will be made from silicone while the lower classes, still fleshy, will be fed to the greater population to ensure that people aren’t entirely “false.” This widespread cannibalism will require a new and revised sense of taste to detect good human from bad.Equipment needed:
—Eight-inch chef’s knife
—Poor people
—Saltines (to cleanse the palate)
Requirements:
—While blindfolded, distinguish by taste between a) Native American flesh, b) Dutch flesh, c) Thai flesh.
—Draw a “Fat, yum!” map for a typical young-adult male. Superimpose your map on a live subject with permanent marker. Dice then construct a jigsaw puzzle for your Troop to reassemble.
—Note: If you yourself are poor, volunteer to help other Scouts with their requirements.
Fear
Summary: In 1933 FDR said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” but these days we know the list is a touch longer.Equipment needed:
—Emergency readiness kit
—Michael Chertoff poster
—Cyanide pill locket
Requirements:
—Build a diorama of your “worst fears,” then destroy it using a pair of nail scissors. This helps illustrate a) how petty and small your fears are compared to most people’s; and b) how difficult and time-consuming ridding yourself of them can be, considering your tepid will and brain.
—Lock yourself in the basement for (6) weeks.
—As a group exercise, run away to a large city and don’t tell your parents.
Margarita Making
Summary: Since soon we’ll all be saying hola to our amigos and no más de píldoras to our abuelos, what better way to unite a divided nation than with an official national drink?Equipment needed:
—1 tablespoon lime juice
—1 lime wedge
—4 ice cubes
—2 ounces tequila
—1/2 ounce Triple-sec
—Salt
Requirements:
—Rub the rim of your glass with the lime wedge, then dip in salt. Combine remaining ingredients in a mixing glass and stir well. Strain into the prepared cocktail glass and garnish with lime wedge. Repeat (6) times. Drive home and clip the hedges after purchasing (2) matching speedboats on the internet.
Satan-ism
Summary: Satanism consists of the study and worship of the dark lord, Satan (i.e., Beelzebub, Master of Hell and Lower Wards, Tim to friends), while drinking human blood, participating in pagan chants, and escorting virgins to Baskin-Robbins pre-sacrifice. Finally, a religion the world can agree on!Equipment needed:
—Candles
—Pentagram
—Greatest Hits by Céline Dion (optional)
Requirements:
—Necrophilia, torture, sleep deprivation, black masses, live burial, and the swallowing whole of loaves of bread.
—Published June 9, 2006
