The Non-Expert
How to Fall Asleep
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week a reader has a hard time falling asleep on Sunday nights, and what do you know—ROSECRANS BALDWIN does too! Tips on how to nod off, or, how to stay awake and lower your self-esteem.
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Question: Mr./Ms. Non-Expert, am I the only one who can’t fall asleep on Sunday nights? I usually can’t fall asleep anyway. But Sunday nights are the worst. I’ve tried a sound machine, I’ve tried drawing the curtains. Nothing works. Your help is mucho appreciated. —Ted
Answer: What’s better than sleep? Swimming. Great nachos. But sure, sleep comes third, not that it’s easier to obtain in New York City than the other two.
I am an amateur insomniac. My bouts only last three to four weeks—enough time for me to start believing I’m incurable—before I’m back to grinding my teeth and snoring like the amateur obsessive-compulsive sub-woofer that I am. But if there’s a solution to no sleep, I’ve either tried or considered it. After all, lying awake at four in the morning, what don’t you consider? My brain likes to think of all the reasons why I’m not going to fall asleep, how I’ve fallen into the self-fulfilling prophecy of never sleeping again—and, by even thinking this thought in the first place, how I’ve now made it come true—plus remind me of all the nights when I saw the sun rise.
Grab Your Socks
I was about 13, still awake at 3 a.m. with my knees throbbing from an odd muscle disease I developed in my teens, when my mom suggested I try wearing socks to bed. I put on some tube socks, pulling them way up to my knees, and because the feeling was so bizarre, I fell asleep a few minutes later.
Unfortunately, a few weeks after that, when I was dressing in tall striped socks before bed every night, the effect wore off, and I was a weirdo.
Count
A tried-and-true method, counting is my first response when I realize I’m not falling asleep any time soon. Currently I like to count from one to 1,000, picturing the numerals behind my eyes, each as large and bright as a highway billboard, until I nod off. If I catch myself skipping numbers, I have to start over again. Doesn’t 1,000 seem like a very far-away number? One that’s almost impossible to reach?
Amateur insomniac or not, I’m still an overachiever. I always reach 1,000—or, 1,000 highway billboards—and end up even more awake, staring at the ceiling, wishing I could afford that new Audi.
Scotch & Henry James
Alcohol is a depressant, and so is Henry James. Scotch at four in the morning is a perfect remedy, but I happen to really like scotch, so it’s tough for me to enjoy a glass and want to fall asleep right after—why sleep when someone, somewhere in New York City, is out partying? So match your liquor with the one author everyone recommends even after you’ve informed them you find said author snorable, overrated, just cotton-penned bad. Fifteen minutes later, you’re deep in a self-satisfied coma.
Hypnosis
I haven’t tried hypnosis, but I’m sure it works—don’t you know a dozen people from college who went on to lucrative careers in hypnosis?
Lists
Lists are like counting: able to induce sleep, but more likely to arouse the same taxed mind that’s keeping you awake in the first place. People have recommended to me listing:
—All 50 states
—All the countries you can think of, alphabetically
—All the people you’ve ever met, separated by era
—All the things you have to be thankful for
I prefer these:
—All the people who disappointed me
—All the people who have accomplished more than I have
—All the advice I never took but probably should have
—All the times I’ve embarrassed myself.
Memory Diving
This can be fun. Try to recall a pleasant episode from your life and relive the moment, lingering on the little things, the details that made it special.
For example, the time I had a sexual “accident” at summer camp (much worse than you think). Or, my first kiss when I was 12, and the girl stood 10 feet away in the forest, waiting for me to approach, with her eyes closed and her tongue sticking out, and I felt nauseous. Or, that time in college when I turned down a threesome—
Twenty minutes later, I’m wide-eyed awake, plus I hate myself.
Coffee
Maybe this says something about my daily caffeine consumption, but drinking coffee at night makes me tired. If you drink six espressos a day or more, try it!
Change the Bed
Get up. Change the sheets. Put new pillowcases on the pillows. Even flip the mattress. If you still can’t sleep, try sleeping upside-down: your head at the bottom, your feet at the headboard.
If, finally, all these methods have failed, vacuum and mop the house. File some tax receipts and call your sister to catch up—you’re obviously like me, and why sleep when there’s so much you didn’t accomplish today?
Question: Mr./Ms. Non-Expert, am I the only one who can’t fall asleep on Sunday nights? I usually can’t fall asleep anyway. But Sunday nights are the worst. I’ve tried a sound machine, I’ve tried drawing the curtains. Nothing works. Your help is mucho appreciated. —Ted
Answer: What’s better than sleep? Swimming. Great nachos. But sure, sleep comes third, not that it’s easier to obtain in New York City than the other two.
I am an amateur insomniac. My bouts only last three to four weeks—enough time for me to start believing I’m incurable—before I’m back to grinding my teeth and snoring like the amateur obsessive-compulsive sub-woofer that I am. But if there’s a solution to no sleep, I’ve either tried or considered it. After all, lying awake at four in the morning, what don’t you consider? My brain likes to think of all the reasons why I’m not going to fall asleep, how I’ve fallen into the self-fulfilling prophecy of never sleeping again—and, by even thinking this thought in the first place, how I’ve now made it come true—plus remind me of all the nights when I saw the sun rise.
Grab Your Socks
I was about 13, still awake at 3 a.m. with my knees throbbing from an odd muscle disease I developed in my teens, when my mom suggested I try wearing socks to bed. I put on some tube socks, pulling them way up to my knees, and because the feeling was so bizarre, I fell asleep a few minutes later.
Unfortunately, a few weeks after that, when I was dressing in tall striped socks before bed every night, the effect wore off, and I was a weirdo.
Count
A tried-and-true method, counting is my first response when I realize I’m not falling asleep any time soon. Currently I like to count from one to 1,000, picturing the numerals behind my eyes, each as large and bright as a highway billboard, until I nod off. If I catch myself skipping numbers, I have to start over again. Doesn’t 1,000 seem like a very far-away number? One that’s almost impossible to reach?
Amateur insomniac or not, I’m still an overachiever. I always reach 1,000—or, 1,000 highway billboards—and end up even more awake, staring at the ceiling, wishing I could afford that new Audi.
Scotch & Henry James
Alcohol is a depressant, and so is Henry James. Scotch at four in the morning is a perfect remedy, but I happen to really like scotch, so it’s tough for me to enjoy a glass and want to fall asleep right after—why sleep when someone, somewhere in New York City, is out partying? So match your liquor with the one author everyone recommends even after you’ve informed them you find said author snorable, overrated, just cotton-penned bad. Fifteen minutes later, you’re deep in a self-satisfied coma.
Hypnosis
I haven’t tried hypnosis, but I’m sure it works—don’t you know a dozen people from college who went on to lucrative careers in hypnosis?
Lists
Lists are like counting: able to induce sleep, but more likely to arouse the same taxed mind that’s keeping you awake in the first place. People have recommended to me listing:
—All 50 states
—All the countries you can think of, alphabetically
—All the people you’ve ever met, separated by era
—All the things you have to be thankful for
I prefer these:
—All the people who disappointed me
—All the people who have accomplished more than I have
—All the advice I never took but probably should have
—All the times I’ve embarrassed myself.
Memory Diving
This can be fun. Try to recall a pleasant episode from your life and relive the moment, lingering on the little things, the details that made it special.
For example, the time I had a sexual “accident” at summer camp (much worse than you think). Or, my first kiss when I was 12, and the girl stood 10 feet away in the forest, waiting for me to approach, with her eyes closed and her tongue sticking out, and I felt nauseous. Or, that time in college when I turned down a threesome—
Twenty minutes later, I’m wide-eyed awake, plus I hate myself.
Coffee
Maybe this says something about my daily caffeine consumption, but drinking coffee at night makes me tired. If you drink six espressos a day or more, try it!
Change the Bed
Get up. Change the sheets. Put new pillowcases on the pillows. Even flip the mattress. If you still can’t sleep, try sleeping upside-down: your head at the bottom, your feet at the headboard.
If, finally, all these methods have failed, vacuum and mop the house. File some tax receipts and call your sister to catch up—you’re obviously like me, and why sleep when there’s so much you didn’t accomplish today?
—Published September 16, 2005
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