The Non-Expert
Fantasy Islands
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN taps his vast travel knowledge to help a bride-to-be select the best Caribbean island for her honeymoon.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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- When It Sizzles (Letters From Paris)
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Question: Hi. My fiancé and I are getting married in August and we’d like to go to the Caribbean islands for our honeymoon but we haven’t picked out exactly where. Have you guys been there before? If so, what’s a good place that’s not too tourist-y? Thanks! —Camille A.
Answer: No place more romantic, no chain of islands less unfettered by soggy weather or haggle-prone ferry drivers, than the beautiful Caribbean islands. They could very well hire The Non-Expert to write their tourism brochures, I so love their bungalows, their tiki huts, their palm trees bearing fruit!
But you’ve got the right idea—each island is its own separate canary-yellow diamond (though the Canary Islands, alas, are not in the Caribbean), and, if you’ll forgive some more wedding prose, you’ll want to make sure the Caribbean’s three “C’s” (comfort, climate, and coladas!) match your expectations. Like a jeweler with his loupe, or like my more esteemed colleagues in the travel magazine business with their freebies, I will train my vast Caribbean experience on your question and point out the strengths—and flaws—of each island.
But beware, mon! Fiji natives live on “Caribbean Time,” which is also the central time zone in the U.S.
I’d say trust me, but why take my word for it? J-Lo, get over here!
Question: Hi. My fiancé and I are getting married in August and we’d like to go to the Caribbean islands for our honeymoon but we haven’t picked out exactly where. Have you guys been there before? If so, what’s a good place that’s not too tourist-y? Thanks! —Camille A.
Answer: No place more romantic, no chain of islands less unfettered by soggy weather or haggle-prone ferry drivers, than the beautiful Caribbean islands. They could very well hire The Non-Expert to write their tourism brochures, I so love their bungalows, their tiki huts, their palm trees bearing fruit!
But you’ve got the right idea—each island is its own separate canary-yellow diamond (though the Canary Islands, alas, are not in the Caribbean), and, if you’ll forgive some more wedding prose, you’ll want to make sure the Caribbean’s three “C’s” (comfort, climate, and coladas!) match your expectations. Like a jeweler with his loupe, or like my more esteemed colleagues in the travel magazine business with their freebies, I will train my vast Caribbean experience on your question and point out the strengths—and flaws—of each island.
Barbuda
What to say about Barbuda that hasn’t been said already? What a paradise! As an island, it floats exceptionally. Tranquil blue sky and warm sand and wonderfully crisp air—and don’t forget wildlife! Plus, a medley of cultural and athletic entertainments available if you want them, or not available if you would rather stay home in your…accommodation. Let no one tell you Barbuda is not a delightful island to visit. As for flaws, there does fall some rain in Barbuda occasionally, so pack a light jacket (and maybe a first aid kit!).Tortola
You thought Barbuda was nice—consider Tortola! It’s definitely in the Caribbean, and, take a memo, it’s entirely surrounded by some of the bluest ocean you’ve ever seen. And that water, whoa sister, is it nice! It’s hard to say anything bad about Tortola, except make sure to bring sun block. (You can burn your skin from too much exposure to the sun.) Travel tip: Want the inside info on authentic, local-approved restaurants? Do as the Tortellinis do, and go to tortola.citysearch.com!Ibitha
Saying no to Ibitha is like shooting fish in a barrel, but let’s remember, only a few years ago this island was the Caribbean’s hottest destination. You couldn’t keep me away! These days, though, you should look for your hot sand and even hotter nights elsewhere. (If your fiancé says he wants club nights, tell him he can head for Europe while you’re lounging on the beach!)Fiji
Nothing says “Caribbean Paradise” like the friendly island of Fiji. As soon as you’re off the plane, girls in grass hula skirts drape “leis” (garlands of flowers) around your neck and stick plastic straws into your mouth—straws that end in coladas! There are all kinds of ways to experience traditional Fiji culture; why not try your hand at surfing, or a traditional Caribbean pig roast on the beach?But beware, mon! Fiji natives live on “Caribbean Time,” which is also the central time zone in the U.S.
Lurks & Take-Out
Let me guess, you’ve been reading your Us Weekly again? It’s true—famous names double-heart Lurks & Take-Out, but who can blame them? (Not me, but if I have to share one more first-class cabin with Julia Stiles…) All the shopping, and that famous blue ocean, the cloudless blue sky, just you and the warm sand between your toes—it’s the trademark Lurks & Take-Out relaxation that’s available nowhere else.I’d say trust me, but why take my word for it? J-Lo, get over here!
The Island
So this is one stop I’ll help you cross off your list. Yes, it was the primo hot spot last year (so hot it doesn’t have a name), but as soon as you arrive you’ll realize you’re actually a human clone! Double-lame. There’s plenty of terrific athletic excitement, sure, but when it’s time for brunch and all you want is some nice écrous de raisin, who wants a deadly laser in her face? Check, please!—Published May 19, 2006
