The Non-Expert
Better Baby Names Bureau
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CLAIRE MICCIO helps a pair of harried parents figure out the best baby name for maximized optimum results.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- This Is Not a Eulogy (Profiles)
- The Vanishing Date (Spoofs & Satire)
- This Modern Love (Reviews)
Also by Claire Miccio
» SEE MORE
- Ladies First (May 16, 2008)
- Easy-Fake Oven (April 25, 2008)
- Identity Crisis (April 11, 2008)
Also in The Non-Expert
» SEE MORE
NEWSLETTER
Prize Lovers Apply Here
More addictive than heroin, more challenging than Sudoku: the TMN Map Quiz, delivered hot, fresh, and diabolical to your inbox every Friday.» SIGN UP
Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Question: Dear TMN/Non-Expert,
My husband and I are pregnant. Well I’m pregnant, and my husband’s playing backup. We’ve decided not to find out the baby’s sex, but we’re panicking about baby names. Do you have any recommendations for good ones to have in the pocket?
Thanks from a big-time/longtime fan,
Melanie O’Hara
Answer: Before we get to your baby names issue, we need to address the important possibility that your husband is not just “playing backup.” Men living with pregnant women can in fact experience symptoms of pregnancy, and though so-called doctors will tell you this is a purely psychological effect of your emotional bond, I will tell you otherwise. Sympathetic pregnancy means your husband may be bearing one, two, even three additional bundles of joy. Please plan accordingly.
Getting back to the issue at hand, congratulations! Before you know it, your child will scuttle from your womb like a rat from a sinking ship, and it’s good that you’re thinking about baby names ahead of time. Caught at the hospital with an unnamed infant in your arms, you might be tempted to dub your delightful offspring “Unprepared.”
When naming newborns, remember that your choice will cast a distinct sensibility. Like a dog named Stupid, your baby will learn quickly what its predestined role in society is and will adapt to it. Thus before you pick a name, you need to pick what kind of child you want.
If you desire an open-minded kid and you feel uncomfortable about gender-specific names, try Ficus, Alabaster, or Schenectady; you can guarantee exciting college days ahead when your grown baby picks a unique gender identity. Hopefully you’ve already opened a high fixed-interest savings fund with Wesleyan’s high tuition in mind.
It’s best to construct a distinctive name so you can avoid your offspring when they ask for drug money.If you wish to raise a strong-willed child, you need something with a little kick. Syndicated episodes of American Gladiator feature dozens of hard-bodied heroes, though it is best to avoid the puny, weak challengers and go straight to Tower, Fury, and Zap. Consider your Transformers collection as well. An Optimus Prime or Omega Supreme will go far in this world. Also think about borrowing names from manufacturers of power drills, military contractors, or condom brands.
You may wish for your baby to eventually provide for you in your elderly years. For this, the obvious choice is to gravitate towards what we in the baby-name business call “doctor names” and “lawyer names.” But why be conventional? Take the bull by the horns and pick a name that just screams “wealthy and influential politician.” I highly recommend Former President William Jefferson Clinton. Consider suitable ethnic variations on Lincoln or the more traditional Caesar as well.
For an intelligent baby, something involving math is appropriate. Theorems, postulates, and the like tend to be named after dead French men and are best avoided. However, numbers such as 7, 13, and -3.2 can give a darling continental flair. It’s best to stick with names with a terminating decimal expansion, though π and e are popular exceptions. Among integers, prime numbers are preferred, as easily factored numbers can be used later to create cruel childhood nicknames and playground taunts.
Of course children can be more than strong, rich, or intelligent; they can also be disappointing. If you anticipate such a baby (have you ever disappointed your parents? Studies show it’s entirely hereditary, like loose stools) it’s best to construct a distinctive name so you can avoid your offspring when they ask for drug money. Below is a helpful name construction kit. Choose one word from each column, and you’ll finish with a unique, offbeat title that’s fit for tracking by the police or private collection agencies:
For example, taking driving, pie, and jangles, we get Driving Pie Jangles O’Hara. Be advised, though, if you actually use any of these names you owe me a licensing fee, to be paid annually on your child’s birthday at the rate of his or her current value on the black market. Nothing comes for free in this world.
In summary, the name of your baby shall be Former President 13 Thunderhawk O’Hara. Buy a big crib, because this one’s going places!
Question: Dear TMN/Non-Expert,
My husband and I are pregnant. Well I’m pregnant, and my husband’s playing backup. We’ve decided not to find out the baby’s sex, but we’re panicking about baby names. Do you have any recommendations for good ones to have in the pocket?
Thanks from a big-time/longtime fan,
Melanie O’Hara
Answer: Before we get to your baby names issue, we need to address the important possibility that your husband is not just “playing backup.” Men living with pregnant women can in fact experience symptoms of pregnancy, and though so-called doctors will tell you this is a purely psychological effect of your emotional bond, I will tell you otherwise. Sympathetic pregnancy means your husband may be bearing one, two, even three additional bundles of joy. Please plan accordingly.
Getting back to the issue at hand, congratulations! Before you know it, your child will scuttle from your womb like a rat from a sinking ship, and it’s good that you’re thinking about baby names ahead of time. Caught at the hospital with an unnamed infant in your arms, you might be tempted to dub your delightful offspring “Unprepared.”
When naming newborns, remember that your choice will cast a distinct sensibility. Like a dog named Stupid, your baby will learn quickly what its predestined role in society is and will adapt to it. Thus before you pick a name, you need to pick what kind of child you want.
If you desire an open-minded kid and you feel uncomfortable about gender-specific names, try Ficus, Alabaster, or Schenectady; you can guarantee exciting college days ahead when your grown baby picks a unique gender identity. Hopefully you’ve already opened a high fixed-interest savings fund with Wesleyan’s high tuition in mind.
It’s best to construct a distinctive name so you can avoid your offspring when they ask for drug money.If you wish to raise a strong-willed child, you need something with a little kick. Syndicated episodes of American Gladiator feature dozens of hard-bodied heroes, though it is best to avoid the puny, weak challengers and go straight to Tower, Fury, and Zap. Consider your Transformers collection as well. An Optimus Prime or Omega Supreme will go far in this world. Also think about borrowing names from manufacturers of power drills, military contractors, or condom brands.
You may wish for your baby to eventually provide for you in your elderly years. For this, the obvious choice is to gravitate towards what we in the baby-name business call “doctor names” and “lawyer names.” But why be conventional? Take the bull by the horns and pick a name that just screams “wealthy and influential politician.” I highly recommend Former President William Jefferson Clinton. Consider suitable ethnic variations on Lincoln or the more traditional Caesar as well.
For an intelligent baby, something involving math is appropriate. Theorems, postulates, and the like tend to be named after dead French men and are best avoided. However, numbers such as 7, 13, and -3.2 can give a darling continental flair. It’s best to stick with names with a terminating decimal expansion, though π and e are popular exceptions. Among integers, prime numbers are preferred, as easily factored numbers can be used later to create cruel childhood nicknames and playground taunts.
Of course children can be more than strong, rich, or intelligent; they can also be disappointing. If you anticipate such a baby (have you ever disappointed your parents? Studies show it’s entirely hereditary, like loose stools) it’s best to construct a distinctive name so you can avoid your offspring when they ask for drug money. Below is a helpful name construction kit. Choose one word from each column, and you’ll finish with a unique, offbeat title that’s fit for tracking by the police or private collection agencies:
| COLUMN 1 | COLUMN 2 | COLUMN 3 |
| Awesome | Pie | Maker |
| Sir | Mix | A Lot |
| Rocket | Kitten | Pants |
| Aunt | Asshole | Antipode |
| Speedy | Pixie | Magic |
| Mister | Bo | Jangles |
| Sigue | Sigue | Sputnik |
| Boogie | Oogie | Oogie |
| Driving | Miss | Daisy |
| This | That | Theotherthing |
| Electric | Fire | Heartthrob |
| Bad | Bad | Leroybrown |
| Bitchin | Thunderhawk | Femur |
For example, taking driving, pie, and jangles, we get Driving Pie Jangles O’Hara. Be advised, though, if you actually use any of these names you owe me a licensing fee, to be paid annually on your child’s birthday at the rate of his or her current value on the black market. Nothing comes for free in this world.
In summary, the name of your baby shall be Former President 13 Thunderhawk O’Hara. Buy a big crib, because this one’s going places!
—Published March 9, 2007
The Morning News is an online magazine, published weekdays since 1999
Copyright © The Morning News Corp.
All rights reserved. ISSN #1554-1490
“Black and white and read all over”
About: Masthead, Reader Mail, Privacy Policy
Inquire: Contact Us Shop: Merchandise
Advertise: TMN is part of the Deck Network
Subscribe: Newsletter, Syndicated Feed
Hosting provided by Tilted Planet
Published using Movable Type
Browse the Archives