The Non-Expert
Is Your Darfur Fake?
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN helps a reader decipher this month’s Vogue, and offers ideas to Anna Wintour for January’s cover.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
- Beloved Children's Books (Of Recent Note)
- Superpowers, Revealed (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
» SEE MORE
- Frugal Krueger (October 23, 2009)
- Colonel Muammar Gaddafi Has a Cold (October 9, 2009)
- How to Become a Playwright (August 28, 2009)
Also in The Non-Expert
» SEE MORE
SOCKING STUFFERS
If a Bird Can’t Fly It Walks
Sanguine and adhesive, our bumper sticker makes a swell gift for anyone who’s swearing off excuses in the new year.» ORDER NOW
Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Question: YEARCH! Non-Expert, have you seen the new Vogue? Right on the cover it says, “Indulge! 125 glorious gifts, Vogue’s ultimate holiday guide, + Downsized Giving: When $100 is enough.” So let me get this straight. We get over a hundred ludicrously expensive luxury goods to buy so we can celebrate Christ, but when it comes to GIVING TO THE POOR AND NEEDY, they provide us with a guide for knowing when “enough is enough?” I am barfing on Nicole Kidman’s face while I write this. Sincerely, Liz “Barfing” Trenet
Answer: ‘Tis the season to wear gold chainmail coifs. The Non-Expert has taken your question seriously and found himself a copy of the Vogue you speak of—and yes, we agree: Nicole Kidman should be report to the valkyries’ green room for combing.
The Non-Expert also shares your concern. Besides Jeffrey Steingarten’s magnificence, Vogue isn’t known for promoting the best in contemporary culture. A friend who interviewed there was asked, “How do you think Vogue promotes today’s girl’s sense of self-esteem?” and managed to answer with a straight face. So the Non-Expert wrung his hands as he lifted the cover with excited anticipation, sampled 0.004 metric tons of Viktor & Rolf’s new perfume and incurred permanent brain damage, and found out…you got it wrong.
Vogue doesn’t give a hundred dollars, two bucks, or a million clams about giving to the poor. Could Jimmy Choose a duller topic? The cover blurb you referenced, “Downsized giving: when $100 is enough,” refers to a scenario when spending a hundred bucks or less on a gift for someone is acceptable. Charity only plays a role for those who think giving someone Hermès playing cards ($75) is a sign of thrift.
As Lynn Yaeger, the respective article’s author, writes, “We’ve all been through it—the $5 bauble opened rapturously; the $500 behemoth discarded with an unconvincing thank-you and a sad sigh.” The Non-Expert invites Ms. Yaeger to add him to her Christmas list this year, preferably at the behemoth end.
But, Barfing Trenet, you did inspire a thought. Vogue’s cover surprised the Non-Expert for its lack of numbers. That modest “125 glorious gifts”—the only number on the front—seems tame when most magazines trumpet as many numerals tucked inside their pages as they can count. 600 do-me poses! 57 ad-for-mentions swaps! 4 Asian people, chosen for Caucasian features! According to industry wizards, numbers sell, and apparently so does alliteration.
The Non-Expert enjoys all kinds of magazines and periodicals. He wants them to thrive. Perhaps Vogue’s editors were just too busy last month accepting freebies from advertisers to dig into research. A helping hand, then: Assuming the January cover hasn’t gone to bed yet, here’s some cover copy Vogue can steal freely when referencing recent news.
Question: YEARCH! Non-Expert, have you seen the new Vogue? Right on the cover it says, “Indulge! 125 glorious gifts, Vogue’s ultimate holiday guide, + Downsized Giving: When $100 is enough.” So let me get this straight. We get over a hundred ludicrously expensive luxury goods to buy so we can celebrate Christ, but when it comes to GIVING TO THE POOR AND NEEDY, they provide us with a guide for knowing when “enough is enough?” I am barfing on Nicole Kidman’s face while I write this. Sincerely, Liz “Barfing” TrenetAnswer: ‘Tis the season to wear gold chainmail coifs. The Non-Expert has taken your question seriously and found himself a copy of the Vogue you speak of—and yes, we agree: Nicole Kidman should be report to the valkyries’ green room for combing.
The Non-Expert also shares your concern. Besides Jeffrey Steingarten’s magnificence, Vogue isn’t known for promoting the best in contemporary culture. A friend who interviewed there was asked, “How do you think Vogue promotes today’s girl’s sense of self-esteem?” and managed to answer with a straight face. So the Non-Expert wrung his hands as he lifted the cover with excited anticipation, sampled 0.004 metric tons of Viktor & Rolf’s new perfume and incurred permanent brain damage, and found out…you got it wrong.
Vogue doesn’t give a hundred dollars, two bucks, or a million clams about giving to the poor. Could Jimmy Choose a duller topic? The cover blurb you referenced, “Downsized giving: when $100 is enough,” refers to a scenario when spending a hundred bucks or less on a gift for someone is acceptable. Charity only plays a role for those who think giving someone Hermès playing cards ($75) is a sign of thrift.
As Lynn Yaeger, the respective article’s author, writes, “We’ve all been through it—the $5 bauble opened rapturously; the $500 behemoth discarded with an unconvincing thank-you and a sad sigh.” The Non-Expert invites Ms. Yaeger to add him to her Christmas list this year, preferably at the behemoth end.
But, Barfing Trenet, you did inspire a thought. Vogue’s cover surprised the Non-Expert for its lack of numbers. That modest “125 glorious gifts”—the only number on the front—seems tame when most magazines trumpet as many numerals tucked inside their pages as they can count. 600 do-me poses! 57 ad-for-mentions swaps! 4 Asian people, chosen for Caucasian features! According to industry wizards, numbers sell, and apparently so does alliteration.
The Non-Expert enjoys all kinds of magazines and periodicals. He wants them to thrive. Perhaps Vogue’s editors were just too busy last month accepting freebies from advertisers to dig into research. A helping hand, then: Assuming the January cover hasn’t gone to bed yet, here’s some cover copy Vogue can steal freely when referencing recent news.
Glass Half-Fab?
Less than half of South African 15-year-olds won’t make it to 60.Unlucky 13, Get With It!
87 percent of Afghans trust the new army.Goldmine!
$521,000 = Average salary of Goldman Sachs employee.Stop the Plunges!
115 percent increase in meth use in D.C.Boy Bandwagon!
4,500,000 female babies aborted in 10 years in India.Taking it to the streets!
20,000 children on the street in Congo’s capital.Bob’s No Bill
42 percent of Americans believe Robert Gates won’t make a difference in Iraq.Don’t Ask, Don’t Snail?
At least 300 different vertebrate species have homosexual sexThe Lucky Ones
One in 10 children who needs HIV testing receives it.Fantasy? For Real!
One in every 325 American households has a net worth of $10 million or more.2 (Black) Bedroom Eyes
1.2 million American women raped every year by their partner.—Published December 1, 2006
