The Non-Expert
11 Ways to Ace or Simply Enjoy Exams
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, ROSECRANS BALDWIN addresses America’s cramming students with a Non-Expert’s dozen of study tips.
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
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Question: Dear Non-Expert. I am dying from exams. Seriously I can’t even see anymore because of how much I’m reading. I am not even sure I’m going to click send on this email. I am ashamed of myself. I am convinced I am going to fail. It is currently 1:44 a.m. I live in Lincoln, which is in Nebraska, which is much cooler than you New York people realize. Anyway, I will probably send this email. Help me, Non-Expert, you’re my only hope. Clicking send. Patrice.
Answer: Dear Patrice. We hear you, we weep and feel for you, we are dispatching two paramedics and three bartenders immediately to Love Library, the first library listed on the University of Nebraska in Lincoln’s library web site, and if they can’t find you because you collapsed in a Love bathroom, or even because you are studying at another U.N.L library, or at another Lincoln university or college, then we’ll tell the paramedics and bartenders to help themselves to the Demerol and toast your corpse.
For the rest of the students in America and around the world who aren’t dead yet, here are the top pointers devised by the Non-Expert to improve your cramming and survival rates.
So you know that voice? That voice is the tenor of truth, which is why it sounds like Carl Sagan. Heed Carl Sagan. Pack your bags and go enroll in dairy science for next semester or whatever strums your heartstrings when you’re alone at night. Best-case scenario? Twenty years from now, you and husband Klaus and your four tubby babies will be fat on the land making cream. Worst-case scenario? Next semester you switch majors.
Question: Who was America’s president during the first Seminole War?
Answer: James Monroe
Question: DNA is built from what type of chemical compounds?
Answer: Samsung-jo-sun-so kka-ji-ga-ju-se-yo (Drive me to the Samsung Shipyard.)
A few points on a biology exam in exchange for learning a new language: Hello, State Department entrance exam.
Parent 1: Are you in jail?
You: I am doing great!
Parent 1: We miss you.
Parent 2: You were really funny about when you were nine.
Parent 1: We miss you at age nine.
You: I am going to ace my bio exam!
Parent 2: You’ll probably flunk.
Parent 1: Well, maybe.
Parent 2: The betting man says flunk on this one.
Parent 1: Maybe the betting man should stop throwing money down the toilet.
Parent 2: Maybe it’s all the vodka that’s made you fat but I won’t waste long distance discussing it.
You: I’m the one paying for this call!
Parent 2: We should let you go.
Parent 1: Set you free. Love you, baby.
Parent 2: Totally.
You: I hate you!
Seventy-two percent of people who effected positive change in their lives and improved their financial worth and general state of happiness cited hating their parents as a primary or secondary cause. Probably.
Question: Dear Non-Expert. I am dying from exams. Seriously I can’t even see anymore because of how much I’m reading. I am not even sure I’m going to click send on this email. I am ashamed of myself. I am convinced I am going to fail. It is currently 1:44 a.m. I live in Lincoln, which is in Nebraska, which is much cooler than you New York people realize. Anyway, I will probably send this email. Help me, Non-Expert, you’re my only hope. Clicking send. Patrice.
Answer: Dear Patrice. We hear you, we weep and feel for you, we are dispatching two paramedics and three bartenders immediately to Love Library, the first library listed on the University of Nebraska in Lincoln’s library web site, and if they can’t find you because you collapsed in a Love bathroom, or even because you are studying at another U.N.L library, or at another Lincoln university or college, then we’ll tell the paramedics and bartenders to help themselves to the Demerol and toast your corpse.
For the rest of the students in America and around the world who aren’t dead yet, here are the top pointers devised by the Non-Expert to improve your cramming and survival rates.
1. Switch Majors
You know that voice in your head that’s saying, “You’re going to fail this exam. You know nothing about marine biology. You don’t even like marine biology. Who goes snorkeling twice and winds up dedicating four years of school and 35 years of debt to measuring intertidal zones?”So you know that voice? That voice is the tenor of truth, which is why it sounds like Carl Sagan. Heed Carl Sagan. Pack your bags and go enroll in dairy science for next semester or whatever strums your heartstrings when you’re alone at night. Best-case scenario? Twenty years from now, you and husband Klaus and your four tubby babies will be fat on the land making cream. Worst-case scenario? Next semester you switch majors.
2. Go Into Real Estate
Fifty-eight percent of my parents’ adult female friends when reaching that mid-life crisis zone quit their jobs or homemaking careers and start flipping houses. Play the averages, start now. The Home Depot at 3300 N 27th Street opens its doors at 6 a.m., just four hours from now (I called)—and that gives you plenty of time to BitTorrent the last season of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Love you, Ty.3. Intoxicate While Studying
I offer three quotes as evidence:“I’m not about to take credit for something I didn’t do.”—Jessica LynchAnd I ask you to compare those quotes, in sequence, to three other statements:
“You singers are spineless, as you sing your senseless songs to the mindless, your general subject love is minimal. It’s just sex for a profit.”—Chuck D
“Security is mostly a superstition.”—Helen Keller
“Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.”—William ShakespeareTomato, tomato, potato, potato. You aren’t in control of your life except when it sucks, you’ll either die alone or in the arms of a mid-list prostitute named Crystal or Pierre at the LNK Marriott, and our default mode in life is fear. See tip 11 below.
“There is in the world only the choice between loneliness and vulgarity.”—Arthur Schopenhauer
“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”—Ludwig Wittgenstein
4. Fumigate Those Jeans
Some time away from your notes would be good. Besides, your neighbors are geting hives; maybe their allergies are to blame, but you smell like a kebab.5. Use Flashcards and Korean
Transcribe what you need to memorize on index cards, questions on one side, answers on the other. On some of the cards, use unrelated Korean phrases in place of the correct answers. Two examples:Question: Who was America’s president during the first Seminole War?
Answer: James Monroe
Question: DNA is built from what type of chemical compounds?
Answer: Samsung-jo-sun-so kka-ji-ga-ju-se-yo (Drive me to the Samsung Shipyard.)
A few points on a biology exam in exchange for learning a new language: Hello, State Department entrance exam.
6. Call Your Parents
But when you talk to them, try to stay upbeat.Parent 1: Are you in jail?
You: I am doing great!
Parent 1: We miss you.
Parent 2: You were really funny about when you were nine.
Parent 1: We miss you at age nine.
You: I am going to ace my bio exam!
Parent 2: You’ll probably flunk.
Parent 1: Well, maybe.
Parent 2: The betting man says flunk on this one.
Parent 1: Maybe the betting man should stop throwing money down the toilet.
Parent 2: Maybe it’s all the vodka that’s made you fat but I won’t waste long distance discussing it.
You: I’m the one paying for this call!
Parent 2: We should let you go.
Parent 1: Set you free. Love you, baby.
Parent 2: Totally.
You: I hate you!
Seventy-two percent of people who effected positive change in their lives and improved their financial worth and general state of happiness cited hating their parents as a primary or secondary cause. Probably.
7-10. Get Someone Else to Take Your Exam
When possible, always arrange for someone smarter than you to do your work. You won’t believe the amount of time it saves.11. Fuck It
Not seriously, of course. Exams are important. They are meaningful procedures for measuring how much you’ll manage to forget or find irrelevant to your life in less than 18 months. What better way to gauge you and your peers?—Published April 27, 2007
