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Stories

Mr. Tom-Tom Goes to India

There are publicity agents for every type of person and product—atheletes, actors, ketchups—so why not organs? ROSECRANS BALDWIN wishes a very speedy recovery to Neil Simon.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rosecrans Baldwin
Rosecrans Baldwin is a founding editor of The Morning News. His first novel, You Lost Me There, is forthcoming from Riverhead Books (August 2010). Someday his ashes will be tossed off Mount Desert Island. You can catch him on Twitter or find more on his web site.
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MARCH 3, 2004—The playwright Neil Simon, who has been increasingly debilitated by kidney problems in recent years, received a kidney yesterday from his longtime friend and publicist, Bill Evans, in transplant surgery at a New York hospital…’We’ve been friends for 25 years,’ [Simon] said of Mr. Evans. ‘It’s wonderful of him to do this.’
– New York Times


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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: ‘MR. TOM-TOM GOES TO INDIA!’

This week sees the donation of Alan Kael’s pancreas—or as he’s fondly known in digestive circles, ‘that little guy’ or ‘Tom’—to the most distinctive of orphanages in India!

Although it’s unknown for now which orphan will receive Kael’s pancreas, all the children are looking forward to sampling its luxurious blend of digestive enzymes and hormones, and what more than one connoisseur has called ‘its grapelike clusters of cells.’

Unlike most pancreases, Tom is 7.4 inches long, similar to the recorded size of Susan Bellow’s pancreas from 1855. The American public simply can’t get over this astounding fact! And though he is very pro-duodenum, we’d like to keep this story as non-political as possible.

After viewing Tom for the first time, the orphanage’s director said: ‘Tom is a celebration of the central role not only that the children play in the world’s future, but that the islets of Langerhans shall serve in one child’s enzyme-producing cells.’

Popov Vodka and MicroCare Surgical Instruments will be sponsoring the post-operation-party, with a triple-A guest list! (Recently confirmed: Neil Patrick Harris, Geri Halliwell’s small intestine.)

Like all of Kael’s organs, ‘Mr. Tom-Tom’—as his pancreas is known by thousands of 18- to 34-year-olds worldwide—is in perfect condition and works out all the time. Before India, he was considering tours in the Ukraine and Namibia. His fluids have been compared to some of the finest French vintages, particularly the 1928 Latour. And though most pancreatic juices are composed of three digestive enzymes, Tom adds a spiky blend of tryptase and lipase to complete the digestion of proteins and fats.

We’d like to see Emeril do better!

I’d be happy to arrange an interview with Mr. Kael at your convenience—obviously his pancreas will be there too! In addition, there will be a great follow-up story once Tom has been implanted in one of the orphans, and my firm would be happy to arrange first-class accommodations in New Delhi for you and your family.

Please consider doing a story on Alan Kael’s pancreas. We have plenty of great celebrity photos we can send you, including some with Tom. Let me know if this distinctly American odyssey piques your interest.

(I’ll remind you that not once has Tom failed to live up to his wunderkind reputation, which would cause diabetes in Mr. Kael.)

Truly, Tom is the pancreas of 2004.

Thanks,

Dana Lowry,
Organ Publicist

—Published March 4, 2004