Stories
Looking Good, Living Well
When even Vanity Fair’s Graydon Carter suspects the world’s royal families are in-bred, action must be taken to protect the pure. ROSECRANS BALDWIN reports from Gstaad.
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They live well, they look good, and the fascinating part is that they all seem to be related.
—Graydon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair, on the royal families profiled in the magazine’s September 2003 issue
Minutes from an emergency convocation of THE COUNCIL OF EUROPEAN, PAN-ASIAN, AFRICAN, AND SELECT SOUTH AMERICAN ROYALS & SONS, ALSO DAUGHTERS (AS OF 1953) as spoken by Council President, Prince Peter-Alexander Claus Henry Magellan of the Netherlands—12 August 2003, Gstaad
Welcome citizens of earth! I am just kidding. I really mean, welcome fellow members! It is great to see everyone here. Before we get started, please help yourselves to coffee and rolls, there still should be some fruit in the back. May I say that you are all looking really good.
I think I speak on behalf of the board of directors when I say, we are just pleased as punch that so many of you turned out on such short notice. It’s a real treat.
Though really, too bad not everyone’s here, huh? Because this message is for the entire community. And we mean that. So please, when you go back to your respective countries, if you see any fellow Council members who you remember weren’t here, then please ask them why they didn’t make it. Was it because they were sick? Or was it something else, like Positano?
Then fill out a ‘Just Thought I’d Let The Council Know About His/Her Royal Highness of Blank’ card—people, that’s a B7—and send it along to headquarters. We’ll take care of the rest.
Though we have planned a lot of fun activities for later on—need I say, life-size Stratego? Quiet, please—we have gathered first for some unpleasant business. Let us remind ourselves, as Ovid wrote, for every silver lining, there is also a dark cloud somewhere in the immediate vicinity. And right now that cloud is hovering over all of us, so to make our skies clear again, a few amendments have been nominated to join our blessed charter.
Voting will take place once all amendments have been read aloud, by a show of signet rings. Then you may choose either chicken or salmon, or a vegan option for lunch.
Princess Mafalda, the amendments please, thank you.
AMENDMENTS FOR REVISION TO THE CHARTER OF LIFE WELL LIVED, THE COUNCIL OF EUROPEAN, PAN-ASIAN, AFRICAN, AND SELECT SOUTH AMERICAN ROYALS & SONS, ALSO DAUGHTERS (AS OF 1953)
1. WHEREAS myths and superstitions about the domination and complete control of the world’s businesses, governments, media, and arts by THE COUNCIL have for centuries been discredited in the authoritative press:
Royals must continue to strenuously resist all intrusive efforts into COUNCIL affairs by the global media, especially those accompanied by gifts or favors. Particularly, any invitations to exclusive Oscar parties must be refused. As noted in last year’s Convocation wherein Amendment 7a was passed, no member shall put themselves at risk of bad publicity, specifically in being approximate to Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, or other Australians.
2. WHEREAS rumors have long been squashed about in-breeding within Royal Families, even depraved allegations suggesting that all Royal Families are related by bloodline, and in wild, vituperative reports, actually of a single family made by inbreeding, now:Annual membership dues will be doubled for the continuing development of Serum 14, now in Stage 4 of testing.
3. WHEREAS it has been a golden rule of THE CHARTER OF LIFE WELL LIVED that life, to be lived well, should be lived handsomely according to our knowledge of Royal beauty—and therefore inoculated for assimilation by Serum 13—recently: Serum 14 has been modified in Stage 4 to disprove rumors in the world press; specifically, all members will no longer resemble Prince William of Wales, but Prince Harry, also of Wales.
4. WHEREAS members of THE COUNCIL cannot reasonably expect to be outside the media’s spotlight, especially those members who are particularly more than simply good looking, still: Once Serum 14 has passed Development Stage 8, all standing members will be required to politely impress their houses—within four branches of blood-relations—to begin a twice-weekly program of prescription. For those relatives who are suspicious, Serum 14 will also be available as Hot Pockets.
5. WHEREAS members, as stated, cannot avoid the media in all places, and as some members may be more desirable to be photographed than others, for THE COUNCIL’s goals of secrecy, domination, and public relations, and considering THE COUNCIL’s longevity, simply: Child-bearing will cease in Hanover, Baden, and Romania. Also, Princess Mafalda shall be made available as Special Traveling Liaison to the office of the Council President, though not to board member Count Ferdinando Antonio Trachetti Feretti, her husband.
6. WHEREAS the secrecy of THE COUNCIL’s existence must be maintained, and therefore any member threatening said secrecy must be held accountable, so:
Her Royal Highness Princess Bianca Irene Olga Elena Isabella Florenza Maria of Savoy-Aosta, Countess Arrivabene Valenti Gonzaga will hereto be called Gail.
7. WHEREAS the elected offices of THE COUNCIL are held in great esteem by members, and at the first sign of indecision or weakness must abandon their chairs, alas: Count Ferdinando Antonio Trachetti Feretti will immediately resign from his post as Scribe.
8. WHEREAS future accusations against the Council’s stated tenants of secrecy, faith, and world domination shall continue to be demolished, certain members of the press may be sought for close, more friendly relationships, in order to protect our legacy, thus: His Royal Highness Graydon Carter, Duke of Ottawa, Lord of Litchfield and Bank Street, now also Countess Arrivabene Valenti Gonzaga, please stand for inoculation.
—Published August 14, 2003
