Stories

How Everything Turned Out

When refugees from another planet make contact and ask for help, the earth’s web geeks should help them, right? KEVIN FANNING tells a tale of Non-Earthers, online social networks, and memorable sunsets. (Stories | June 27, 2007)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Back to School

It’s Elisabeth Eckleman’s first year of college, and she has a lot of tough choices to make. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you decide what happens next. In this installment, Elisabeth heads back to school with fresh eyes and provides a shoulder for Kat—a friend in need, indeed. (Stories | June 6, 2005)

My Sporting Life

From the very first moment we suit up for gym, our physical abilities can influence who we become or reveal who we were meant to be: blooming star athlete or total band nerd. Giles Cassels recalls the agony of defeat. (Stories | June 1, 2005)

Darth Vader Made Me Cry

From the first moment you see Darth Vader choke that rebel fighter, you know he’s evil. The helmet, the cape, the breathing? Evil, evil, evil. Matthew Baldwin remembers when he met Vader at a shopping center and learned that evil really is as evil does. (Stories | May 26, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Home, Alone

It’s Elisabeth Eckleman’s first year of college, and she has a lot of tough choices to make. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you decide what happens next. In this installment, Elisabeth goes home to see her mom—without Brad—and then meets an old friend with an attractive offer. (Stories | May 23, 2005)

Wish You Were Here

Corporate wilderness retreats and fat camps have a few things in common: mediocre food, sleeping in tents, and lustful bloodthirsty competition. Todd Levin and Bob Powers report from their summer destinations. (Stories | May 10, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Date Unknown

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth questions how she feels about Chad, but then the unthinkable happens. You decide what happens next. (Stories | May 8, 2005)

Home: An NPR Radio Expedition

Visits home can wear down even the best of us, but when heard in excruciating detail can become absolutely…excruciating. Jessica Francis Kane presents an audio adventure at her parents’ house. (Stories | May 6, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Mother, Jugs, and Lone Star Beer

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth tries to figure out why her mom calls six times a day. You decide what happens next. (Stories | April 25, 2005)

Never Say Neverland Again

A contest was recently held to find someone to write the official “Peter Pan” sequel. Though author Geraldine McCaughrean was chosen from hundreds of candidates, James Finn Garner shares with us the openings from a number of rejected applications. (Stories | April 20, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Screw the R.A. (Wait, You Already Did)

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth tells Kat about what’s been going on with Geoff. You decide what happens next. (Stories | April 12, 2005)

Greetings From the Mercer Mobile Home Community Zoo

Political battles! Injured children! Mange! You’ve wondered what goes on inside the bureaucracy that is your local mobile-home community’s zoo—now Rob Eccles lets you in. (Stories | April 1, 2005)

Orientalism: Yes or No?

It’s one thing to be a Westerner with a healthy respect and admiration for Eastern cultures; it’s another to make your son wear a hijab to soccer practice in order to intimidate opponents. Pasha Malla helps us sort through a few case studies in Orientalism. (Stories | March 29, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Bright Eyes, Big City

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth goes to the Bright Eyes concert with her R.A. and continues to avoid her T.A. You decide what happens next. (Stories | March 24, 2005)

Pledge of Allegiance

It’s pledge drive season again! And this time everybody’s getting in on the action. Matthew Baldwin sneaks into the studio and watches as those Social Security reforms take on an entirely different medium. (Stories | March 17, 2005)

How Many Names Hath God?

No matter when we say the word God, whether in church or in vain, couldn’t we all use a couple synonyms for the all-mighty one? Michael Rottman examines the many possibilities, e.g., Abraham, or Clapton. (Stories | March 8, 2005)

A Different World

You’ve always known it deep down, but season one of the Cosby Show would have been a bit different had Cliff Huxtable habitually drugged and subsequently fondled select bit players. Rob Eccles writes. (Stories | March 3, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: An Escape With Geoff

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth makes time for friends, but not for studying, and gets the grades to prove it. You decide what happens next. (Stories | February 15, 2005)

Trials and Tribulations

How do you tell a judicial buff that the real-life courtroom is more Night Court than Perry Mason? Send him to jury duty twice in two years, that’s how. Matthew Baldwin gets his civic duty on. (Stories | February 14, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Flirting With Disaster

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth decides that when her date becomes a ho, she will too. You decide what happens next. (Stories | January 27, 2005)

Richard Wagner’s The Breakfast Club

While the influence of Wagner’s oeuvre is heard today even in such folksy phrases as “It ain’t over ’til the prom queen sings,” what endures most from Wagner’s one true masterpiece is its totally bitchin use of character motifs. JAIME J. WEINMAN explains. (Stories | January 26, 2005)

A New, Old House

It’s true: You can never go home again. ANDREW WOMACK remembers watching a construction team renovate the house he grew up in, and understands why his parents wanted a new place to live. (Stories | January 13, 2005)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Pimps & Ho’s

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth goes to a sorority party and isn’t sure what to do once the theme takes over. You decide what happens next. (Stories | January 12, 2005)

Diaries of Andy Warhol, Terrorism Czar

The White House has found trouble in recent weeks with its security appointments, so the President boldly takes a new approach. Pitchaya Sudbanthad reports on Andy Warhol’s installation as the ultimate (and silvery) homeland defense. (Stories | January 3, 2005)

The Six Wives of Henry LaGrange

Henry LaGrange has a very big problem. And when he isn’t struggling with his dissertation, bribing his thesis advisor, or marrying multiple women, his problem only gets bigger and bigger. Fiction by Tobias Seamon. (Stories | November 16, 2004)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Class Begins

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth makes a new friend and isn’t sure if she should bring her boyfriend material to a party. You decide what happens next. (Stories | November 15, 2004)

Testimonial From a Moderately Satisfied Customer of Singles Canoes

Dating is impossible: Your friends have only so many friends to set you up with, co-workers are off-limits, and online services are icky and cold. Luckily singles can now turn to Singles Canoes, a new service we hadn’t heard of until BOB POWERS clued us in. (Stories | November 10, 2004)

The Plotlines Against America

Philip Roth’s bestselling new novel, The Plot Against America, depicts a U.S. that elects Charles Lindbergh over F.D.R. in the 1940 presidential election. Lindbergh’s documented anti-Semitic stance is put into action, and the book goes great distances to retain believability. How? As always—with top-notch editing. ANDREW WOMACK reports on a series of writer-editor correspondence. (Stories | November 2, 2004)

A Few Bad Apples

Following the public outrage and scandal, after the hospitalizations and quarantines, the Unified Fruit Crop Corporation offers a helpful list of questions and answers to address your many concerns about the problem with its fruit. Jeremy Richards reports. (Stories | October 28, 2004)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Party With Kat

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth goes to a party with her roommate and meets a new somebody. You decide what happens next. (Stories | October 13, 2004)

The Education of Elisabeth Eckleman: Freshman Year

Elisabeth Eckleman just left home, and has a lot of difficult decisions ahead of her. Sarah Hepola follows Elisabeth’s life and lets you make the tough choices for both of them. In this installment, Elisabeth loses her high-school boyfriend and drives to college with her parents. You decide what happens next. (Stories | September 28, 2004)

The Silence of the Muse

After a lifetime of rejection slips, publishing can be a trying, if not life-threatening, business. GRADY MILLER exposes a history of correspondence between a desperate poet and his unfortunate editor. (Stories | September 21, 2004)

Give Me a Sign

Political conventions exist for the cameras, and the cameras like to see audiences with a sea of signs. But where do all those banners come from? Margaret Mason outlines the life cycle of a rally sign. (Stories | September 15, 2004)

Trailers for Everyday Life

Ever wonder why your life’s not more like Mel Gibson’s? Ever think maybe it’s because he gets better narration? Pasha Malla and Mike Baker bring us a batch of movie trailers scripted for real-life scenarios. (Stories | September 13, 2004)

Things They Don’t Tell You When You Check Yourself Into a Mental Hospital

Don’t believe what the other patients say: the doctors probably won’t try to sleep with you. Chicago’s Chris Sprow brings us a guide for anyone who’s been tempted to check themselves in. (Stories | September 9, 2004)

A Tour of the George W. Bush Presidential Library

His father is known as a cheerful correspondent, while his predecessor just released a thousand-page memoir. How will Dub-Dub be remembered when his papers are collected? Contributor Paul Ford takes us for a walk down the Corridor of Freedom. (Stories | August 30, 2004)

So You’ve Been Taken Prisoner by a Billionaire Colombian Drug Lord

“We’re going to get you out of this alive and make Mendoza pay. But you’ve got to follow my directions to the letter—because Mendoza’s got Jenny, your wife.” DAN WEAVER presents a field guide by Delta Force Col. Tom Smits. (Stories | August 25, 2004)

Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? JOHN WARNER digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut. (Stories | August 18, 2004)

Wonderful Tonight

Prom doesn’t have to be only cheap corsages and blundered makeouts, even if that’s all anyone remembers from it. Armed with a new-old dress and a pair of secret weapons, Claire Miccio had a prom night she’ll always treasure. (Stories | August 16, 2004)

Rick James Meets Fay Wray in Heaven (A Very Short Play)

America lost two great artists this week, musician Rick James and actress Fay Wray. Writer and playwright JOHN MOE sits in on their introduction at the pearly gates. (Stories | August 12, 2004)

Since She Died

When a friend dies, your memories can absorb your every waking moment. And also your dreams. SARAH HEPOLA lives through the pain, the joy of remembrance, and the responsibility of both. Here is her story of love and loss. (Stories | August 4, 2004)

Natural Selection

With no prospects for a girlfriend and his level of physical fitness plummeting, Matt Evans reads Darwin in hope of personal evolution, and then embarks upon a journey of cardiovascular and self-improvement. With unexpected results. (Stories | August 2, 2004)

If on a summer’s vacation…

Now past the halfway-mark for summer, we’ve all either taken our summer vacations or we’re still planning where to go. For those of us who fall into the latter camp, beware your choices. THE WRITERS remember ways summer vacations have gone so horribly wrong. (Stories | July 28, 2004)

Weddingchanneled

Planning a wedding is a detailed job: narrowing down the wedding party, choosing flowers, and deciding between the white food processor and the chrome one. MACKENZIE DAWSON PARKS discovers the business of wedding registries, and learns how to make it work for her. (Stories | July 14, 2004)

My Sister Moses

Family BBQs can be great summer fun, until someone finds a dead body under the back porch. Then it’s time to bust out the cedar chips. James McLaughlin brings us a story of lawn maintenance, abusive parenting, and hot Marines. (Stories | July 12, 2004)

The Last Queen Fan in America

The names Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John may not mean much to many ’80s music fans, but to DANIEL NESTER they were the best of the decade: Queen, ever the champions. (Stories | June 30, 2004)

Sentences of Discontent

Someone has to write the next Da Vinci Code, why shouldn’t it be you? To kick-start the writing process, Tobias Seamon brings us a batch of great first lines guaranteed to get your blockbuster off to a best-selling start. (Stories | June 28, 2004)

The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh

An awfully different young man graduates from high school and quickly learns more than he bargained about snack foods, ducks, and a secret family history. MATTHEW BALDWIN discovers an online record of some mysterious goings-on. (Stories | June 21, 2004)

What’s the Frequency, Musad?

When ruling parties win with 99.8 percent of the vote, Middle East-style elections can be confusing for Westerners. Luckily we’ve had the Dan Rather of Arab news, Musad Abir, all these years to guide us on election night. SHAWN O’NEAL looks back on some of the highlights. (Stories | June 15, 2004)

Waiting for George

Zipping to Monte Carlo, dropping by diamond shows on yachts, gazing at the languid models: All in a day’s work during Grand Prix weekend. But please, asks Preston Johns, where are the real celebrities? (Stories | June 9, 2004)

Tanks for the Memories

America hasn’t been the same since Bob Hope died, and now, when we need him most, at war around the world, who will challenge the pompous and self-righteous? GRADY MILLER imagines what the great one-liner might say to our troops. (Stories | June 3, 2004)

Behind the Scenes: Untitled Fall Project

What to do when you and your sister are worth billions, on the brink of adulthood, and then your brand new movie flops? Go to college? Our Los Angeles reporter Kevin Fanning goes undercover to discover the starlets’ new plans. (Stories | May 24, 2004)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Ego Trip

There are many adventures to be found off the beaten path, and some may involve minstrels. Former Peace Corps volunteer and sometime hero Matthew Baldwin recalls a day-long hike in Bolivia. (Stories | May 20, 2004)

A Course Guide to Literary Readings

These days, literary readings aren’t as boring as they should be. But what for the budding author or poet, still in school, who doesn’t know how to smash a guitar or bake a cobbler onstage? Philip Graham has suggestions for expanding the curriculum. (Stories | May 13, 2004)

A Love Affair With Maps

Maps represent our locations, they can serve as a reminder of where we’ve been, and they sometimes show us the best route to the mall. Brian Allnutt charts a personal history across the changing lines of his home state. (Stories | May 12, 2004)

Australia’s Mightiest Heroes

Wherever there is trouble, from marketing to marsupials, they will protect. Super-genius and superhero Dick Smith hatches a new era of costumes and secret identities. Ever the true believer, MATT RODEN reports. (Stories | April 30, 2004)

My Brush with Terrorism

Being paged at the airport can sometimes be a lucky break, until it’s a federal investigation. A bag search, substance analysis, and interrogation later, you can forget being upgraded to first class. Jerry Mahoney recalls a misunderstanding at check-in. (Stories | April 27, 2004)

Donald Rumsfeld Is Wrong

Predicting the future is a touchy business, especially if you’re banking on the outcome. JOHN WARNER reports on a personal history of predictions gone right, wrong, and somewhere in between. (Stories | April 21, 2004)

Coming This November

The presidential race is heating up. And at this point, it’s anybody’s game. So, who will be ready to take the oath, and who will be sent home in disgrace? Matthew Baldwin gives us a preview of what we can expect this fall. (Stories | April 16, 2004)

That’s All I’m Going to Say for Now

An ill-planned duck hunting trip sours under the media scrutiny. Justice Scalia makes a firm statement, and Matthew Summers-Sparks tails him through a day of saying not much else. (Stories | March 17, 2004)

Mr. Tom-Tom Goes to India

There are publicity agents for every type of person and product—atheletes, actors, ketchups—so why not organs? ROSECRANS BALDWIN wishes a very speedy recovery to Neil Simon. (Stories | March 4, 2004)

The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel

No film set exists without its share of gags and accidents, even the filming of Mel Gibson’s crucifixion epic. Interloper Paul Ford got a transcript of scenes that may never make it onto the DVD edition. (Stories | March 2, 2004)

Great Oscar Gaffes

Every year we watch the nominations unfold, the awards change hands, and the speeches drag on. But we miss all the inappropriate jokes, drunk punches, and other such un-televisables. Mike Baker and Pasha Malla bring us the moments Oscar wished he’d never seen. (Stories | February 25, 2004)

I Was a 10-Year-Old Political Consultant

Leading a political campaign can be a thankless job, as ex-Dean-campaign manager Joe Trippi well knows. But what if your candidate isn’t a Democrat from Vermont, but a woodland creature? JOHN WARNER recalls his electioneering days. (Stories | February 2, 2004)

Happy Endings

With today’s final taping of Friends, fans across the country wonder what’s in store for TV’s six pals. Will Rachel and Ross finally find romance? Will Joey’s career take off? Ready with spoilers for the final episode in May is Andrew Womack. (Stories | January 22, 2004)

The Way of Nigella

What Jamie Oliver does for young ladies with his pestle, Nigella Lawson does for men who love a summer’s plump tomatoes. But, as Pitchaya Sudbanthad explains, what Lawson does with monkeys is a whole different story. (Stories | January 20, 2004)

Progress Reports: Fourth Quarter 2003

The Institute of Improbable Research has the means to make the impossible happen. From losing a loser’s viriginity to building the best coach in the world, JOHN WARNER has their year-end results. (Stories | January 14, 2004)

Free Red Wine and Other Humiliations

Your parents and friends enjoy Christmas for similar reasons: your personal embarrassment, shame, and discomfort, assuming you’ve behaved badly enough to warrant their bowls full of jelly. SARAH HEPOLA looks back on a life of seasonal depression. (Stories | December 19, 2003)

Rules for the Holidays

Surviving relatives, co-workers, and lovers drugged by cheer is easier when there are guidelines for action. THE EDITORS share some tips to help keep your step-dad’s paws off your Christmas sweater. (Stories | December 17, 2003)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Life in the Fishbowl

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an American to teach him how to armpit-fart. Former Peace Corps Volunteer and temporary Bolivian celebrity Matthew Baldwin remembers his days in-country. (Stories | December 11, 2003)

The Auctioneer Retires

Real estate agents may cash in their posts for a gold watch when they retire, but what’s given to the auctioneer when young blood threatens his position? A gold Matisse? ROSECRANS BALDWIN looks at the last man of a dying breed. (Stories | December 9, 2003)

Welcome Back From Baghdad, Mr. President

After taking off on a top-secret Thanksgiving Day jaunt to Baghdad, President Bush appears to be on a mission to be the Badass-in-Chief. Or are there other motives at work? Philip Graham chases the paper trail. (Stories | December 2, 2003)

Thriller

The allegations have set a fire in the media and a guilty verdict in the public’s mind. But the reason anyone cares at all in the first place is the music. Writer and once-Michael SARAH HEPOLA recalls what his landmark album means to her. (Stories | November 24, 2003)

The Matrwich

The Bush administration’s decisions and policies have often confounded even its closest allies—are they living in a different world than the rest of us? MATTHEW BALDWIN suspects a trip down a certain rabbit hole may turn up some answers. (Stories | November 17, 2003)

Sunlit Pictures: A War Album

Conflict is an unchanging part of our society, and only seems in remission when it’s not at our own doorstep. Tobias Seamon offers a collection of vignettes about war and its constant presence in our lives. (Stories | November 5, 2003)

The Man Who Was Hook

Nothing says Halloween like a gutted teenager, or some other urban legend told around the candy bag. But hasn’t everyone already heard the ending? THE WRITERS band together for a dozen new ways to finish your story. (Stories | October 31, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: The Vermonster

Once the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, Howard Dean has lost a lot of ground to Clark and his free candy bars. Can the campaign recover? Cheshire Dave hitches a ride on the Dean bus and reports on the new political strategy. (Stories | October 28, 2003)

The NPR Blooper Reel

Hearing about Howard Stern and a bevy of strippers is no big surprise for the radio-savvy, but David Brancaccio and a goat getting clinical? OLIVER GRISWOLD reports on clips not included in your regular broadcast. (Stories | October 21, 2003)

The Bellow/Parcells Letters

Forget worrying over book contracts, alcoholism, or unwanted kids—where do Nobel laureate authors turn for advice on their hair? KEN KRIMSTEIN discovers the lost correspondence between two great authors. (Stories | October 6, 2003)

Sweeping the Dirt Floor: Fuego! Fuego!

The Peace Corps has ambitious goals for its programs and participants, though setting a pueblo on fire isn’t one of them. Former Corps member Matthew Baldwin recounts the early days in San Pedro, Bolivia, before his infamy. (Stories | October 2, 2003)

Yes I Did, Now I Do

There are many good reasons to get married (booze, Dennis Rodman, true love) but as a recovery method for the victims of severe trauma? ROSECRANS BALDWIN reports from the Neuropsychiatric Institute at U.C.L.A. Medical Center. (Stories | September 29, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair In Hell: The Mad Minister From Circle Six, Part I

In the fourth chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a controversial film has Hell up in arms! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | September 17, 2003)

TiVo’d

Technology can be a scary thing, in the wrong hands. Luckily, there’s help. Joshua Allen sees an analyst about a problem with his personal video recorder. (Stories | September 15, 2003)

The Lonely Days

Many people have their own holidays—grandparents, secretaries, certain dead Presidents—but what about the ordinary man, lost in this modern world? BOB POWERS has researched a global brochure of holidays for men who are alone. (Stories | September 11, 2003)

Makeover Madness!

Never fear: Television can change your life when there’s a makeover show specially designed to do just that. ANDREW WOMACK follows two guests and learns. (Stories | September 5, 2003)

Second Careers

When it’s time to change careers or face hardship in the workplace, many Americans ask, what would Jesus do? According to John Warner, most hockey players would prefer not to know. (Stories | September 3, 2003)

Looking Good, Living Well

When even Vanity Fair’s Graydon Carter suspects the world’s royal families are in-bred, action must be taken to protect the pure. ROSECRANS BALDWIN reports from Gstaad. (Stories | August 14, 2003)

Stuck in Craw City

Baseball’s history is thick with stories of bad luck, but no one’s unluckier than Louisiana’s minor-league Gizzards. Tobias Seamon writes in with a bit of baseball fiction. (Stories | August 6, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: Plan 63

With its credibility in the weeds, the White House must find a way to restore its public image before the next election. Veteran reporter Joshua Allen gives us a priviliged glimpse into what’s being planned. (Stories | July 25, 2003)

Sexed Up

Were claims about Iraq’s weapons arsenal ‘sexed up’ by the British government? Were there any hot WMD-on-WMD shower scenes? ROSECRANS BALDWIN gets the scoop straight from the top. (Stories | July 8, 2003)

The Indignant Correspondence of Folksy Ken Oakley

Liz Phair is not the first artist to fight bad reviews with worse allegories—folk artist Ken Oakley invented the genre. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the only musician to have 184 albums panned in Rolling Stone. (Stories | July 3, 2003)

Night-Blooming

Somewhere in Connecticut, two brothers speed down a darkened nighttime highway on a personal mission. A story by Kevin Fanning. (Stories | June 30, 2003)

The Columbia Letters

In 2001, the book My First Presidentiary came out, authored by KEVIN GUILFOILE and John Warner, and quickly became a best seller. A college student contacted the authors with a simple question. They responded with glee. (Stories | June 23, 2003)

The Fudgy-Wudgy Guy

Epistemology may seem pleasantly bewildering, but wait until it begins to mess with your childhood memories. MICHAEL BARRISH reports from under the beach. (Stories | June 5, 2003)

What They Weren’t Worth

The Guidry and Lunton families bear children, live their lives, and die in a world bubbling over with misunderstood words and cliché. A story by JON FASMAN. (Stories | June 3, 2003)

The Miracle of Dust

Marjorie had a perfectly functional, model family in the suburbs, until the Blessed Face of Holy Mother Mary appeared on her television. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | May 30, 2003)

Bear Attack in Western Montana

Childhood education can come from paths less traveled, when a Boy Scout trip takes an unforeseen direction. Brian Allnutt recounts a tale of fear. (Stories | April 21, 2003)

Gone Missing

With so many people gone missing these days, what do you do when your loved one’s gone too? Hire a private detective, that’s what you do! John Blades is hot on a trail of stunning clues. (Stories | April 15, 2003)

How to Survive a Deathbed

It’s not SARS, and you’re sure it’s something worse. Even though they say it’s just a cold, you’ve already resigned yourself to death’s icy grip. Tobias Seamon serves up ways to make the wait a little more worthwhile. (Stories | April 14, 2003)

The Queen is Dead

Love, swimming pools, road trips, and burritos: Lance Arthur remembers a favorite album for our recollections series, The Smiths’ The Queen is Dead. (Stories | April 7, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell: The Secret of the Burning Canvas

In the third chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, the lost plays of Sophocles are discovered in an art fair, possibly to be lost again! KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | April 4, 2003)

Rising Bodies

Spring has arrived, and on its tails we spot daisies, rain showers, and dead bodies floating to the surface. That is, if you’re a rather unlucky girl with an eye for corpses. New fiction by Dennis Mahoney. (Stories | April 2, 2003)

The New-Old Albany

Every great city is filled with a thousand untold stories. Albany, New York, however, has none. In a bout of civic service, Tobias Seamon decides to concoct a few. (Stories | March 26, 2003)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

There’s a lot of land in the U.S., and it’s covered with roads. SARAH HEPOLA takes a cross-country tour, one hand on the wheel, the other on the camera. (Stories | March 14, 2003)

MetaFilter in the Ruins

When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating Metafilter. KEVIN GUILFOILE points out there’s nothing worse than a doublepost after your hair has fallen out. (Stories | March 4, 2003)

Behind the Scenes: Cool 2B Real

The initiative: The cattle industry wants to promote beef to teenage girls online. The result: ‘Cool 2B Real.’ Paul Ford sneaks into the boardroom and tells us how it really happened. (Stories | February 24, 2003)

Schrödinger’s Iraq

Philosophy, Iraq, mice? President Bush made some very strange comments in a press conference. Matthew Baldwin blends in with the press corps to give us the scoop. (Stories | February 20, 2003)

Post-Traumatic Postcards

Apologizing for the mistakes you’ve made isn’t easy, unless you limit yourself to a paragraph. LESLIE HARPOLD keeps the sorries short and sweet, even when the regrets are long-lasting. (Stories | February 13, 2003)

Life Lessons in Literature

Where were you when the family car broke down, when you first heard about oral sex, when you chose a political party? More importantly, what were you reading? Margaret Berry shares the books that made the woman. (Stories | February 11, 2003)

Why Won’t You Leave Me Alone?

Some people hear voices inside their head, others simply hear voices, and it tortures them to death. Sufferer Dennis Mahoney begs you to leave him alone, you and your constant demands. (Stories | February 6, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell: The Mystery of the Antenoran Chant

In the second chapter of Madalyn’s adventures in the underworld, a mystery is uncovered on the way to Walt Whitman’s Super Bowl party. KEVIN GUILFOILE continues the saga of everyone’s favorite atheist sleuth. (Stories | February 5, 2003)

The Summing Up

We may spend more time with our co-workers than our families, but that doesn’t mean we have to like them. Our D.C. correspondent Clay Risen starts a new job and barely gets past the front desk. (Stories | February 4, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Can’t Get a Break

In the second installment of our Jeremy Bitz: Unlucky Man series, JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN detail a list of extremely unfortunate events in the life of one man. (Stories | January 28, 2003)

This Old Human

No country cabin is complete without a proper old man. Tobias Seamon reports from the set of This Old Human and gives us the scoop on how to craft the perfect curmudgeon. (Stories | January 22, 2003)

Jeremy Bitz Has an Afternoon of Gross Misfortune

Some people are born lucky, others attract misfortune. Unfortunately for Jeremy Bitz, he’s the prince of the latter camp. JOSHUA ALLEN and ROSECRANS BALDWIN report on how a few hours can ruin a young man’s day. (Stories | January 16, 2003)

Madalyn Murray O’Hair in Hell

Hell is full of mystery and chain hardware stores. Who would’ve known? Kevin Guilfoile, that’s who, as he follows Madalyn, amateur detective, in the first chapter of her adventures in the underworld. (Stories | January 15, 2003)

Happy New Year from Sam Nougat

The bringing of a new year suggests reconciliation, a time for us to forgive our relatives any faults from last year. Or, ask them to forgive us. Either way, Tobias Seamon points out that a massive group email probably isn’t the best method. (Stories | January 13, 2003)

A Game of Skill, Strategy, Chance

Since dating is already a game, it may be unwise to found a relationship on a shared passion for Sorry. SARAH HEPOLA ignores the meta-implications and tries to play by the rules. (Stories | January 9, 2003)

After the Twelve Days of Christmas

Yearly these twelve days of Christmas bring us many gifts: partridges, pear trees, and many maids equipped with pails. Dennis Mahoney recounts the bevy of presents, and responds. (Stories | January 6, 2003)

Sexual Mechanics

Librarians are asked all types of questions, but few must be experts on the clap. Jessa Crispin reports from a sex library, where pustules and excitable virgins are just another part of the job. (Stories | December 16, 2002)

Mix Tape for Dead Girl

Writing a eulogy used to involve hours of revising and a good thesaurus. Joshua Allen opts for a cassette of field recordings and madrigals instead. (Stories | December 11, 2002)

26 Days to a Better New Year

The New Year is approaching, causing nation-wide anxiety: You need a date, a party, and a resolution, plus you still have to finish your holiday shopping. ROSECRANS BALDWIN has a 26-day guide to ensure your New Year’s Eve goes well. (Stories | December 5, 2002)

Santa’s Not-So-Little Helper

You know Santa: cheeks like a rose, nose like a cherry. Now meet the Krampus, a boozy goat-horned menace that whips children around Europe. Clay Risen meets a group of Krampuses and learns why they’re great at a party. (Stories | December 4, 2002)

Obsessions: Looking It Up

Continuing our series on personal obsessions, Paul Ford tells us about his passion for reference works, the more obscure the subject matter the better. (Stories | November 26, 2002)

Transcending Spaces

A television show rolls into town, interior designers and carpenter in tow. Two sets of neighbors trade houses in a decorating scheme to surprise each other. Sound familiar? Well, it did. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports. (Stories | November 21, 2002)

Customer Serviced

The holidays are approaching, and mail-order is king. Gifts, however, are no good unless there’s someone to take your order. Joshua Allen reports from a call center at one of America’s largest retailers. (Stories | November 20, 2002)

Obsessions: Francis Bacon

Kick-starting our new series on personal obsessions, Claire Miccio details her habit of seeing Francis Bacon everywhere she goes. (Stories | November 18, 2002)

11 Stories About Cross-Dressing

J. Edgar Hoover made cross-dressing big in the States, and now everybody’s doing it. Eleven stories by Kevin Fanning on the ordinary lives of people in different clothing. (Stories | November 7, 2002)

Friends’ Bands I Have Known

For two years, you thought your college roommate’s band was going to hit the big time. Then you were sober again. Joshua Allen remembers the bands that didn’t even come close. (Stories | November 4, 2002)

Scary Stories

In celebration of Halloween, we’ve asked all the Contributing Writers to share a scary story. Here then, seven ways to get freaked out. (Stories | October 31, 2002)

To Bring You My Love

Love, desire, heartbreak, gettin’ wet and makeovers: Claire Miccio remembers a favorite album for our recollections series, PJ Harvey’s To Bring You My Love. (Stories | October 29, 2002)

The Missing Debate on Iraq

Reading the news last week, it seemed like there was little debate in Congress about authorizing force against Iraq. Turns out there wasn’t any debate at all. Congressional reporter Derek Willis with the scoop from inside the Capitol. (Stories | October 23, 2002)

Where Are You Now?

Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, SARAH HEPOLA goes to her high-school reunion. (Stories | October 17, 2002)

Bienvenue au Musée Renteria

Like many modern painters, the extremely famous Renteria had issues with women. KEVIN GUILFOILE shares a guide he picked up at Renteria’s museum. (Stories | October 16, 2002)

Rosencrantz & Joshua

In a contemporary re-telling (not really) of Romeo & Juliet by email, ROSECRANS BALDWIN and JOSHUA ALLEN find their love with gratuitous profanity. Note: Contains very bad language. (Stories | October 9, 2002)

Kayley’s Super Power

Kayley has a super power. The thing is, she’s not exactly sure what it is, and she doesn’t even know how to use it. A story by Kevin Fanning, illustrated by Sam Brown. (Stories | September 26, 2002)

This…Is SNN!

Welcome to a special broadcast of SNN, the Simplified News Network, where you get the news after you already understood it. Understand? Matthew Baldwin reports from the set. (Stories | September 23, 2002)

Where Are They Now?

Remember Jack and Diane? Well, they’re not doing so hot these days. Musical historian PAUL FORD tracks down the stars of yesterday’s songs and gets the update. (Stories | September 18, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000

The hottest new toy is the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000, a vibrating broom proving popular with lots of little girls. Industrial investigator Joshua Allen reports on its insidious development. (Stories | September 11, 2002)

Local Not-Spots

You have to exit the highway to see the sights. Sometimes you have to venture down even less-traveled roads to find the real stories. Oliver Griswold tells the tales of Yachats, Oregon, and Woody Creek, Colorado. (Stories | September 3, 2002)

John Ashcroft’s 2002 College Football Preview

Thanks to the 2001 PATRIOT Act we can learn the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men. The time is upon us to take this information and put it to good use: predicting the 2002 college-football champions. KEVIN GUILFOILE taps the phones. (Stories | August 29, 2002)

Monkee Wives

Record companies build bands on trends, hoping their musicians will rise to the top of the newest! hottest! sound. Not every band, though, can have an exclamation mark. THE EDITORS inspect the rejects. (Stories | August 15, 2002)

A Few of a Million Postcards

You’re traveling and your laptop’s at home; how the hell do you share how much fun you’re having? Thankfully, SARAH HEPOLA has laid out a few, simple postcard-templates for the rest of us to follow. (Stories | August 6, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Operation Fish from Hell

The U.S. has many problems right now, but its deadliest threat can grow to three feet long: The Chinese Snakehead. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen goes deep undercover to get the government’s reaction to a meat-eating snake. (Stories | July 31, 2002)

Brenda Stahler Gets Married

Falling in love is no joking matter; falling in love with your best friend’s girl is ass-whuppin’ time. ROSECRANS BALDWIN and JOSHUA ALLEN recall the woman that came between them. (Stories | July 18, 2002)

Glimpses of a Redneck Childhood

Boredom, adventure, and mischief. JASON GURLEY remembers a past knee-deep in cockroaches, waist-high in foiled plans, and up to its neck in it and more. (Stories | July 17, 2002)

Life of Crime

Americans love a criminal, with style. Just look at the press’s recent fawning over dead mob-boss John Gotti. Unfortunately, Sarah Brown’s life of crime has been completely lame. (Stories | July 15, 2002)

Our Town

A village that dies overnight, a town where the ground is on fire, real-life Atlantises… Margaret Berry collects stories about normal towns where strange things happen. (Stories | July 11, 2002)

The Arthur Andersen Trial: Not as Boring as It Seems

We know about the shredded documents, the shadow holding companies, the financial improprieties—but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Investigator Claire Zulkey gives you the real dirt on the dirty dealings. (Stories | July 10, 2002)

Spam Poet

Do you see that detritus in your inbox as fodder for verse? No? Then meet the Spam Poet, who takes everyday junk mail and turns stink into stanza. KEVIN GUILFOILE waxes poetically. (Stories | July 8, 2002)

News of a Ratproofing

New Yorkers, like everyone else, are constantly under attack by illness, anxiety, bad air, and cell phones. But only PAUL FORD is haunted by a giant rat. Tales of transformation, staple gun included. (Stories | June 26, 2002)

Co-Workers I’ve Met Along the Way

Every office has its wacky characters, but did you know that every office has the same wacky characters? Rachel Knowles looks back through her labors for an all-star cast of misfits, bullies, and sociopaths. (Stories | June 19, 2002)

Surrey with the Syringe on Top

In the cutthroat world of playwriting, where a good line means the difference between fame and famine, many authors fall victim to the lure of performance-enhancing drugs. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports with an exposé on steroids in the stage scene. (Stories | June 14, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Minority Report Trailer

Big-budget movies require big-budget marketing, and you can bet every second of the trailer is accounted for, in impact. Investigative reporter Joshua Allen gets the inside scoop on Steven Spielberg’s new flop. (Stories | June 13, 2002)

10 Ways My Dog Is Capable of Advanced Logic

Everyone has a friend or relative that’s smarter, more witty, or in Mensa. Few can claim that for their dog. HEATHER B. HAMILTON was surprised to learn her dog’s a genius. (Stories | June 7, 2002)

Doolittle

Rarely should you regret albums you loved in high school. Luckily, MENA G. TROTT had the good sense to love the Pixies, even if they were the devil’s music. Recollections based on the eternal Doolittle. (Stories | June 5, 2002)

Dude, You’re Getting a Dell and Other Success Stories

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an actor not in possession of a private fortune must be in want of a commercial. Actor Woodwyn Koons takes us through the lessons she’s learned on how to win the audition. (Stories | May 31, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Pirates & The Navy

Once the scourge of the seven seas, now fuel for ARGHHH… jokes and the parrot industry, pirates seem better suited for Disney World than the Atlantic. However, the Navy was attacked last month by a band of unwashed scurvyites. Landlubber JOSHUA ALLEN reports. (Stories | May 28, 2002)

Read the Fucking Manual

An anthology of new work from seventeen writers with Web sites, including many writers published here and in better places. Available for free as a downloadable PDF—it’s the book to be seen with this season. (Stories | May 27, 2002)

Casual Fan Fiction

Fan fiction: that writing frontier attempted by only the most diehard of followers. Kevin Guilfoile, hardly a West Wing devotee, throws his hat into the fan-fic ring with a view from that guy from Apocalypse Now’s Oval Office. (Stories | May 15, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: The Skakel Trial

On October 30, 1975, Martha Moxley, from Greenwich, Connecticut, was killed. Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel, now 42, is standing trial for her murder. October 30th, we should note, is also known as ‘Mischief Night.’ Investigative reporter ROSECRANS BALDWIN reports from inside the chambers. (Stories | May 9, 2002)

Songs From the Big Chair

Music can inspire nostalgia, assigning memories to songs we relish, or would prefer to forget. Elephant-minded JOSHUA ALLEN remembers each track from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears and sifts the music for a little personal history. (Stories | May 7, 2002)

The Mediator on Gay Marriage

Before arguments come to a head, they should come to The Mediator. Here The Mediator solves an issue rife with debate: gay marriage. KEVIN GUILFOILE reports on the new ground rules. (Stories | May 1, 2002)

Ladies Night Transcript

Every Wednesday, a group of San Francisco women meet to chat over a few glasses of wine. Margaret Berry is among them. This week they discuss the mechanics of sticking it to the man. (Stories | April 26, 2002)

Plants I Have Killed

Not all destruction is intentional. TMN editor ANDREW WOMACK has laid waste to some of this planet’s finest vegetation. Don’t let him visit the rainforest. (Stories | April 25, 2002)

Since Your Father Tried to Kill You

You were disappointed when your father tried to kill you. All these years, you thought you had a good relationship, a Bob Saget-Candance Cameron bond. Then, disaster struck. Kevin Fanning sifts through the after-effects and offers consolation. (Stories | April 23, 2002)

Meet the Nielsens

They’re like any other demographically-correct American family, except that everyone’s watching them. Dennis Mahoney visits with the Nielsens to chat about The Company, TV statistics, and what, exactly, doesn’t make them so darn different. (Stories | April 19, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: Oprah Cancels Book Club

The fate of literature has always been uncertain. In recent times the path seemed secure, guarded by Updike and Barnes & Noble tote bags. Then, disaster struck. Publishers crashed their Mercedes, agents sold their leather blazers. Veteran investigator Joshua Allen reports on the tragedy from within Oprah’s private chambers. (Stories | April 12, 2002)

Pascal’s Wagering

Even great philosophers must eat, go to the bathroom, iron their shirts, get dumped. Like all of us, some live great lives, most suffer. But none can avoid the troubles of being human. KEVIN GUILFOILE recalls a past-life with Pascal, and a few unlucky bets. (Stories | April 10, 2002)

Inside Looking Out

A new graduate knows everything. What could the real world teach that hasn’t already been learned in those four long, grueling years? Out of college, ANDREW WOMACK goes to Dallas, tries not to get a job, gets one anyway, and learns something new. And then quits his job. (Stories | April 8, 2002)

The Ins and Outs of My Gated Community

Being city-dwellers ourselves, we’ve always wondered what it’s like to live in a private community, separated from the world by cameras and fences. Dennis Mahoney happens to live behind such fences, and gives us the insider’s take on modern elite living. (Stories | April 5, 2002)

Behind the Scenes: President Bush Merges Agencies

Shadow governments, merging powers, churches and children: It’s no secret that power breeds concealment. Yet behind the veils of rhetoric, simple men and women are simply doing business, PowerPoint and all. Ace reporter JOSHUA ALLEN was the only correspondent to hide behind a large curtain during a recent press conference and discover that even the mighty have their foibles. (Stories | April 3, 2002)

Catalogue of Bicycle Rides

Every kid wants a bike. We remember our first and anticipate the next. For those that never learned how to ride, may their God be merciful and blind. Paul Ford has ridden many bikes and still keeps one in Brooklyn. A history of cycling in one man’s life. (Stories | April 2, 2002)

The Ten Days of Christmas

I’m fingering bath balls like Captain Queeg. Mom’d prefer the, the what, the Serenity, maybe? Or the Sandalwood Rejuvenation? Or better yet just go for the pre-wrapped basket with the goat’s milk soap and lavender sachet? Joshua Allen decks the halls. (Stories | December 16, 2001)

Easy Like Drinking Water

‘He adjusted the speed on the cruise control to an even sixty and stared out the window at the rows of cattails growing on the side of the turnpike. Through their tawny, rowed communities he could see New York approach from the east, a tangle of concrete and steel. He drove past the city, further north, until he couldn’t wait any longer, which turned out to be Massachusetts.’ A story by John Bishop. (Stories | November 18, 2001)

Beyond Black Dogs and Mice

A survey of creatures which foreshadow depression, and their literary origins. Paul Ford gives the lowdown on the beasts that portend misery. (Stories | March 30, 2001)

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