Spoofs & Satire
The Silent Epidemic
The first diagnosis can shatter your life—until the condition that follows glues it back together. KATELYN SACK finds magical medical combinations.
- The Constant Gardener (July 1, 2010)
- I Blew the Call (June 7, 2010)
- From the Annals of Motherhood (May 7, 2010)
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Hundreds of millions of Americans suffer without suffering in what has become the silent epidemic of the 21st century: simultaneous medical conditions that cure each other. By learning to identify the warning signs, friends and family can help. If you suspect someone you love is a victim of the silent epidemic, speak up. Your voice can make a difference—unless you have Tourette’s and dysfluency, in which case you are f-f-f-fucked.
Schizophrenia + Narcolepsy
You run screaming from your paranoid delusions, only to fall asleep right before they can catch up with you.Metabolic Syndrome + Anorexia
Your metabolism is freakishly slow, but you eat next to nothing. The bad news: You can’t lose weight. The good news: You don’t have to spend money on food.Alopecia + Hirsutism
Your hair randomly falls out. Also, you are a lady with a beard. Cross your fingers that the beard is part of the hair that randomly falls out. If that doesn’t work, cross-dress.PTSD + Alzheimer’s
You can’t forget The Incident. But you also can’t remember it. What?OCD + ADHD
You have to lock and unlock the door an even number of times—sometimes into the hundreds—before tying and untying your shoelaces 18 times before leaving for work. You must lock and unlock. You must lock and unlock. You must hey, is that a hummingbird?Anxiety + Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, we’re all gonna die. Wait, you ARE a God.Celiac Disease + Body Dysmorphic Disorder
You can’t eat pastries because the gluten makes you sick. You also can’t eat pastries because you think you’re fat even though you’re not. It’s a win-win!Sjögren’s Syndrome + Incontinence
Your mouth is so dry, you can’t chew a cracker. Also, you just sneezed and now you’re wearing polka-dotted pants. These two don’t cure each other, so much as they give you an incentive to drink water constantly but live alone.Hypoglycemia + Alcoholism
You’re shaky, weak, and dizzy. Your temper frays easily. Your heart beats too fast. Order up a buttery nipple and everything will be OK.—Published June 2, 2010
