The Morning News

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Currently: TMN wishes you a very good weekend equipped with interesting things to read. Thank you, as always, for reading us. http://tmne.ws/h
1 day ago

Spoofs & Satire

The Homeland Security Annuals Budget

What looks better with sandbags—marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jessica Francis Kane
TMN Contributing Writer Jessica Francis Kane’s first novel will be published in 2010 by Graywolf; it was excerpted recently in the Virginia Quarterly Review. Her first collection of stories, Bending Heaven, was published in the U.S. and the U.K. Her work has appeared in a number of publications, including McSweeney’s and VQR, and has been serialized on BBC radio. She lives in New York.
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SECURITY PLANTERS

All D.C.-Area Government Buildings

Pansies, assorted: $6,0001
Petunias, assorted: $6,000
Marigolds, “Safari” mix: $7,000



Pentagon Special Order

Zinnias, “Profusion Orange” (no yellow): $4,500
Hosta, “La Vista” mix: $3,500



Justice Department Special Order

Remove gloriosa daisies: $500
Plant snapdragons: $5,000



White House Special Order

Euthanasia2: $10,000

Supreme Court Special Order

Remove honesty: Market Price
Plant mock orange: $10,000

Texas and Kentucky Courthouses

Jack-in-the-pulpit: $200,000

FIXED BOLLARDS3

Skirts of fern: $5,000

HEDGES

American boxwood: $60,0004

RAISED BANKS

Periwinkle and ivy5: $6,000

SANDBAGS

Dune grass?
Bamboo?

MULCH & COMPOST

Ship from Afghanistan



1 In tens of thousands.

2 Possibly “Echinacea”? But this is a perennial. Check with Laura.

3 No planting around removable bollards.

4 High cost reflects shortage since Atlanta Olympics. Possible alternative: Order English boxwood from U.K. Publicity angle: “Coalition Hedges.”

5 Natural black widow habitat. Increase population as additional security measure? Ask Gonzales.

—Published July 7, 2005