Spoofs & Satire
The Homeland Security Annuals Budget
What looks better with sandbags—marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard.
- Girl Lessons (Personal Essays)
- Things We're Denying Ourselves (Of Recent Note)
- Easy-Fake Oven (The Non-Expert)
Also by Jessica Francis Kane
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- Food Network Kicks Its Programming Up a Notch (May 15, 2008)
- A Mnemonic Guide to Remembering New Planets (April 29, 2008)
- A World Without Me (March 26, 2008)
Also in Spoofs & Satire
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SECURITY PLANTERS
All D.C.-Area Government BuildingsPansies, assorted: $6,0001
Petunias, assorted: $6,000
Marigolds, Safari mix: $7,000
Pentagon Special Order
Zinnias, Profusion Orange (no yellow): $4,500
Hosta, La Vista mix: $3,500
Justice Department Special Order
Remove gloriosa daisies: $500
Plant snapdragons: $5,000
White House Special Order
Euthanasia2: $10,000
Supreme Court Special Order
Remove honesty: Market Price
Plant mock orange: $10,000
Texas and Kentucky Courthouses
Jack-in-the-pulpit: $200,000
FIXED BOLLARDS3
Skirts of fern: $5,000HEDGES
American boxwood: $60,0004RAISED BANKS
Periwinkle and ivy5: $6,000SANDBAGS
Dune grass?Bamboo?
MULCH & COMPOST
Ship from Afghanistan1 In tens of thousands.
2 Possibly Echinacea? But this is a perennial. Check with Laura.
3 No planting around removable bollards.
4 High cost reflects shortage since Atlanta Olympics. Possible alternative: Order English boxwood from U.K. Publicity angle: Coalition Hedges.
5 Natural black widow habitat. Increase population as additional security measure? Ask Gonzales.
—Published July 7, 2005

