The Morning News

Friday, May 16, 2008

Currently: solving the world’s ills, over drinks
Today’s Feature: “Ladies First” by Eric Feezell
Digest: “Video Digest” by Meave Gallagher

Spoofs & Satire

The Homeland Security Annuals Budget

What looks better with sandbags—marigolds or bluebonnets? A privied look at how the decisions are made on what to plant and where, and ways to beautify a bollard.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jessica Francis Kane
TMN Contributing Writer Jessica Francis Kane’s first collection of stories, Bending Heaven, was published in the U.S. and the U.K. Her work has appeared in a number of publications, including McSweeney’s and Virginia Quarterly Review, and has been serialized on BBC radio. She lives in New York.
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SECURITY PLANTERS

All D.C.-Area Government Buildings

Pansies, assorted: $6,0001
Petunias, assorted: $6,000
Marigolds, “Safari” mix: $7,000



Pentagon Special Order

Zinnias, “Profusion Orange” (no yellow): $4,500
Hosta, “La Vista” mix: $3,500



Justice Department Special Order

Remove gloriosa daisies: $500
Plant snapdragons: $5,000



White House Special Order

Euthanasia2: $10,000

Supreme Court Special Order

Remove honesty: Market Price
Plant mock orange: $10,000

Texas and Kentucky Courthouses

Jack-in-the-pulpit: $200,000

FIXED BOLLARDS3

Skirts of fern: $5,000

HEDGES

American boxwood: $60,0004

RAISED BANKS

Periwinkle and ivy5: $6,000

SANDBAGS

Dune grass?
Bamboo?

MULCH & COMPOST

Ship from Afghanistan



1 In tens of thousands.

2 Possibly “Echinacea”? But this is a perennial. Check with Laura.

3 No planting around removable bollards.

4 High cost reflects shortage since Atlanta Olympics. Possible alternative: Order English boxwood from U.K. Publicity angle: “Coalition Hedges.”

5 Natural black widow habitat. Increase population as additional security measure? Ask Gonzales.

—Published July 7, 2005