Spoofs & Satire
Letters to a Young Putin
The world was shocked when President Putin kissed a boy on the stomach because he resembled a kitten, but according to Putin’s letters to Russian schoolchildren, we shouldn’t be too surprised. ROSECRANS BALDWIN writes.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
- Beloved Children's Books (Of Recent Note)
- Superpowers, Revealed (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
» SEE MORE
- I Cannot Accept This Award (November 3, 2009)
- The Babysitter (October 30, 2009)
- Is Rapper Kanye West Dead? (October 26, 2009)
Also in Spoofs & Satire
» SEE MORE
SOCKING STUFFERS
If a Bird Can’t Fly It Walks
Sanguine and adhesive, our bumper sticker makes a swell gift for anyone who’s swearing off excuses in the new year.» ORDER NOW
Vladimir Putin’s decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to “touch him like a kitten,” the Russian president said on Thursday… “People came up and I began talking to them, among them this little boy. He seemed to me very independent, sure of himself and at the same time defenseless so to speak, an innocent boy and a very nice little boy,” [said] Putin. “I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act.” —Reuters, July 6, 2006
Dear President Putin, I am five years old. My brother, Alexander, is writing for me. I would like to be an army captain. Please keep Russia safe from terrorists. I do not sleep well. Please send me a fighter jet.—Roman
Dear Roman,
Thank you for writing to me. I am pleased that among Russian boys there are you and your brother sounding so upstanding. I am sorry to say I cannot send you an airplane, but I have enclosed a picture of myself neither smiling nor frowning.
Yes, it is a dangerous world to live in now, Roman, among these terrorists. I tell you honestly, you would be scared to meet them. Your fear would run away with you like a thief carrying Kirghizian tape decks. As President, you know, I cannot behave so irrationally. I cannot let my emotions get my goat, but that does not mean they don’t try! The news media has quoted me saying, “Russia doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. Russia destroys them.” But do they understand when you have a terrorist chained to a table, wearing a pointy hood, how tempting it is to tickle his armpits?
Warm milk will help you sleep better.
Your friend,
Vladimir
Dear President Putin, I like your haircut. I will be seven years old this winter. How old are you?—Elena
Dear Elena,
Thank you for your letter. To answer your question, you must fill out form 88-K12 at your local municipal office.
But did you know that I was once your age? Can you believe that? It may be difficult to imagine me, Vladimir Putin, in short pants with candy and a slingshot in my pocket, but I am sure, if I was a child now, we would be good friends and play games together, perhaps, or chase rats away from the old people’s mouths.
Unfortunately I am no longer a child. I still have desires and yet I cannot always see them through. To relate a story, this morning I ate my breakfast outside on a bench in a Kremlin yard. It was just me and my security personnel, a guard named Andrey. What a beautiful morning. The air was just right, we enjoyed the summer sun, and suddenly, in the middle of my salted pork porridge, I wanted to take Andrey’s hand because I needed to ask him, did he, too, feel that the sun had never shone so radiantly? That, for a moment, here was something perfect? That life is like a nimble butterfly and must be pinned down before its colors fade?
The sun disappeared behind a cloud. Andrey was asleep. I kept one hand wrapped around my spoon and with my other I gripped a rubber eraser until I was bleeding, nine hours later. Thank you for the compliment about my haircut. I have informed my wife, who barbers me.
Your friend,
Vladimir
Dear President Putin, Hello. My grandfather says you are ruining Russia and keeping us in the dark like stupid moles, but I would like to ask for your advice. I am being bullied at school. How can I make the bad boys stop? Thank you for answering. I am Georgy.—Georgy
Dear Georgy,
Thank you for your letter. Being bullied is a terrible thing. I can imagine you coming home with bruises on your little arms, not being able to fight back because you are scared and weak. Your grandfather must worry so badly about you, I am sorry for him as well.
But you cannot rely on pity to save your skin. Would a grizzly bear not eat a kitten just because it had cute button eyes? You must rid yourself of your cute button eyes. Scratch them out if you have to. President Vladimir Putin, I will tell you, long ago replaced his button eyes with the crushed bones of his rivals. Be rational. Get strong. Lock your enemies in the shithouse and treat yourself to some salmon caviar and pancakes.
And Georgy, I am sorry also to hear that your grandfather will soon pass during an unlikely accident at the tea shop. Remember what I said about the caviar.
Your friend,
Vladimir
Dear President Putin, My mother says you do Judo mastery? I am studying to be a black belt like you, President Putin. Please put my name in your special book. I include a picture of me with my dog, Vladimir Putin.—Nikolai
Dear Nikolai,
Thank you for the photograph and thank you for your note. I admire your penmanship—it demonstrates a very focused mind. You will surely make a fine Judo black belt someday, as long as you practice hard and do your homework as well and make Russia proud.
I do not understand what you refer to as a “special book.” If you mean my secret leather-bound notebook of special young kittens like yourself, then yes, I have placed your picture among the others, but I am surprised that you know of its existence. How have you heard about it? A few of my friends will be picking up you and your family in a few days so you may come chat with me about this.
Your friend,
Vladimir
—Published July 7, 2006
