The Morning News

Friday, May 16, 2008

Currently: solving the world’s ills, over drinks
Today’s Feature: “Ladies First” by Eric Feezell
Digest: “Video Digest” by Meave Gallagher

Spoofs & Satire

How The World Scores

Though people around the world may measure success in slightly different ways, there is a single scale that is universally accepted. Because, in the end, it’s all about how you made out.

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America

First Base: Kissing.

Second Base: Heavy petting.

Third Base: Seriously heavy petting.

Home Run: Intercourse.

Canada

First Base: First down.

Second Base: Second down.

Third Base: Punt.

Home Run: N/A

Quebec

First Base: Whining/cigarettes/poutine.

Second Base: Going on strike/cigarettes/poutine.

Third Base: Referendum/cigarettes/poutine.

Home Run: Repeat until sovereignty or death from lung/colorectal cancer.

Small Central American Country

First Base: Large flag-waving demonstration.

Second Base: All-out government and labor strike, emergence of an articulate and intelligent revolutionary leader, public overtures by same to France, Cuba and the Soviet Union, adoption of a “people’s constitution and bill of rights.”

Third Base: Full-scale revolution.

Home Run: American invasion and establishment of puppet military dictatorship.

India

First Base: Beautiful young woman discovers her childhood sweetheart is returning from college in England; glorious song-and-dance number in courtyard.

Second Base: That afternoon, the same young woman finds herself betrothed by evil stepmother to boorish lout with moustache; mournful ballad in moonlight.

Third Base: Childhood sweetheart returns from college in England, discovers his lover betrothed; raging rap-style sequence in which several windows are broken.

Home Run: Twenty-five trillion rupees in box office receipts.

Finland

First Base: Awkward introduction.

Second Base: Shy indirect reference to a personal subject.

Third Base: Quick change of subject.

Home Run: Shame.

Australia

First Base: Chuck a sickie one arvo, pop by the bottle shop for a slab of VB stubbies with your mates on the dole.

Second Base: Rock up to the pub for the footy and more amber fluid, make eyes at an ace sheila across the room.

Third Base: Kill a snake in the men’s, shout another round and yabber with Bazza about clearing the cobwebs with the sheila.

Home Run: Remember nothing else until waking up back of Bourke in a puddle of chunder, alone, surrounded by the haunting sounds of a didgeridoo.

The Third World

First Base: Survive famine.

Second Base: Survive drought.

Third Base: Survive civil war.

Home Run: Emigrate.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood

First Base: Enter and remove shoes.

Second Base: Remove jacket.

Third Base: Put on tennis shoes.

Home Run: Put on cardigan

Paradise Island (Home of Wonder Woman)

First Base: Use golden lariat to compel truth and obedience in unwilling subject.

Second Base: Use golden bracelets to deflect speeding bullets.

Third Base: Spend Saturday night alone, modeling low-cut, backless superhero outfit in three-way mirror, while slowly getting sauced on white wine.

Home Run: Wonder, again, if it would really be such a bad thing if men were allowed onto the island every now and then.

Neverland Ranch

First Base: Twice around on Ferris Wheel.

Second Base: Pinball and Jesus Juice.

Third Base: All-night Home Alone marathon.

Home Run: Out-of-court settlement.

Germany

First Base: You’re late.

Second Base: Your shirt is wrinkled.

Third Base: Get out!

Home Run: I am so very sorry.

—Published October 13, 2005