Spoofs & Satire
How The World Scores
Though people around the world may measure success in slightly different ways, there is a single scale that is universally accepted. Because, in the end, it’s all about how you made out.
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America
First Base: Kissing.Second Base: Heavy petting.
Third Base: Seriously heavy petting.
Home Run: Intercourse.
Canada
First Base: First down.Second Base: Second down.
Third Base: Punt.
Home Run: N/A
Quebec
First Base: Whining/cigarettes/poutine.Second Base: Going on strike/cigarettes/poutine.
Third Base: Referendum/cigarettes/poutine.
Home Run: Repeat until sovereignty or death from lung/colorectal cancer.
Small Central American Country
First Base: Large flag-waving demonstration.Second Base: All-out government and labor strike, emergence of an articulate and intelligent revolutionary leader, public overtures by same to France, Cuba and the Soviet Union, adoption of a “people’s constitution and bill of rights.”
Third Base: Full-scale revolution.
Home Run: American invasion and establishment of puppet military dictatorship.
India
First Base: Beautiful young woman discovers her childhood sweetheart is returning from college in England; glorious song-and-dance number in courtyard.Second Base: That afternoon, the same young woman finds herself betrothed by evil stepmother to boorish lout with moustache; mournful ballad in moonlight.
Third Base: Childhood sweetheart returns from college in England, discovers his lover betrothed; raging rap-style sequence in which several windows are broken.
Home Run: Twenty-five trillion rupees in box office receipts.
Finland
First Base: Awkward introduction.Second Base: Shy indirect reference to a personal subject.
Third Base: Quick change of subject.
Home Run: Shame.
Australia
First Base: Chuck a sickie one arvo, pop by the bottle shop for a slab of VB stubbies with your mates on the dole.Second Base: Rock up to the pub for the footy and more amber fluid, make eyes at an ace sheila across the room.
Third Base: Kill a snake in the men’s, shout another round and yabber with Bazza about clearing the cobwebs with the sheila.
Home Run: Remember nothing else until waking up back of Bourke in a puddle of chunder, alone, surrounded by the haunting sounds of a didgeridoo.
The Third World
First Base: Survive famine.Second Base: Survive drought.
Third Base: Survive civil war.
Home Run: Emigrate.
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
First Base: Enter and remove shoes.Second Base: Remove jacket.
Third Base: Put on tennis shoes.
Home Run: Put on cardigan
Paradise Island (Home of Wonder Woman)
First Base: Use golden lariat to compel truth and obedience in unwilling subject.Second Base: Use golden bracelets to deflect speeding bullets.
Third Base: Spend Saturday night alone, modeling low-cut, backless superhero outfit in three-way mirror, while slowly getting sauced on white wine.
Home Run: Wonder, again, if it would really be such a bad thing if men were allowed onto the island every now and then.
Neverland Ranch
First Base: Twice around on Ferris Wheel.Second Base: Pinball and Jesus Juice.
Third Base: All-night Home Alone marathon.
Home Run: Out-of-court settlement.
Germany
First Base: You’re late.Second Base: Your shirt is wrinkled.
Third Base: Get out!
Home Run: I am so very sorry.
—Published October 13, 2005
