Spoofs & Satire
Employees Must Double-Wash Hands
The recent E. Coli scare sent many bags of spinach into the trashbin. Now that the FDA says the outbreak is over, how will restaurants assure us what they’re serving is safe to eat? ANDREW WOMACK has a solution.
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In statements Monday and Tuesday, the FDA said it had traced spinach tainted with E. coli bacteria to three California counties, and consumers could be confident that spinach grown elsewhere is safe.
“Consumers are advised not to buy or eat fresh spinach if they cannot verify that it was grown in areas other than the three California counties implicated in the outbreak,” the Illinois Department of Public Health said Tuesday.
—Chicago Tribune, Sept. 26, 2006
First Courses
Fresh spinach salad, with non-Californian baby greens, dressed with Fuji apple slices, Japanese walnuts, extra-virgin olive oil, then autoclavedCaesar salad, eggless and prepared gloved (powder-free) tableside
Wasabi-crusted crab cake, topped with grilled aioli
Potato chowder, with moist towelette
Cheese plate, an assortment of quadruple-pasteurized artisan cheeses, selected daily and served with toast points
Main Courses
Roasted biosphere-range chicken, served with boiled seasonal vegetables, triple-boiled pan juicesPork shoulder, braised for six weeks and served with raspberry-chili coulis and imitation sweetbreads
Lab-raised salmon, poached and served with grilled frozen asparagus and un-germinated couscous
Fresh-hatched halibut, steamed in ozone-shocked white wine. Served with fennel
Antibiotic-fed rack of lamb in an unfermented brandy reduction, with hydroponic potato puree
Novartis Ranch ground sirloin burger, with or without American cheese (your choice). Served with fries or denuded green salad
Certified GMO grain-fed filet mignon, cooked to well-done perfection. Served with NaCl-crusted baked potato
Irradiated duck confit, served with parsley-infused vitamin mash
Beverages
Ketel Three Percent hydrogen peroxide, shaken with freshly extracted pomegranate juiceSan Pellegrino, boiled then chilled to room temperature
Wines: Eli Lilly Non-Organic Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot
Beers: Michelob Ultra
Desserts
Freeze-dried gelato, lavender or country-freshFlourless chocolate cake, with Z-pack
Purell, original or sensitive skin
—Published September 29, 2006
