Personalities
Selections From My Most Wanted
The U.S. printed the 55 most-wanted Iraqis on a deck of cards to enable both easy apprehension and quick games of rummy. But its villains aren’t the only ones on the loose. JOHN WARNER deals a more personal hand.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- Welcome to the Palindrome (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers)
- The Ace of Self-Pity (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers)
- The Bitterest Pill (The Guilfoile-Warner Papers)
Also by John Warner
» SEE MORE
- Personagem: Talking With Arto Lindsay (June 9, 2005)
- The GTA Crunk: Props from a Self-Skooled Rapologist (June 7, 2005)
- Birnbaum v. Kevin Guilfoile (May 24, 2005)
Also in Personalities
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Based on the U.S.’s pack of cards depicting Iraq’s most-wanted individuals
Overall rank: 45
Date of offense: July 7, 1977
Nature of offense: Harmed self-esteem
Description of offense: On day-camp bus trip pointed at my mop of unruly blond hair said I ‘looked like a girl.’ He then nudged his seatmate, insisting, ‘Doesn’t he look like a girl?’ Seatmate nodded. Jimmy continued to point at me, chanting ‘girl, girl, girl,’ over and over. Entire bus began chanting, ‘girl, girl, girl.’ My nickname for remainder of summer camp: ‘girl.’ I was seven years old.
Overall rank: 2
Date of offense: October 6, 1984
Nature of offense: Lucky SOB
Description of offense: San Diego Padres first-baseman, facing Chicago Cubs reliever Lee Smith, hit ninth-inning, two-out, game-winning two-run homerun in game four of the 1984 National League Championship Series, paving the way for a game-five Padres victory, and ending the season short of the World Series for the best Cubs team since 1906.
Overall rank: 32
Date of offense: Fall semester, 1990
Nature of offense: Killed (temporarily) enjoyment of literature/offended fashion
Description of offense: While sleeping off hangover during class, required each student to ‘count’ the number of references to eyes in The Great Gatsby. Also, actually wore sports coat with elbow patches.
Overall rank: 27
Date of offense: Yesterday
Nature of offense: Being born
Description of offense: Insisted on, and even relished, ringing up late fees on movies returned 10 minutes after noon deadline.
Overall rank: 4
Date of offense: March 23, 1987, 3:23 p.m.
Nature of offense: Careless with feelings
Description of offense: When asked within my earshot by an intermediary as to the possibility of going to the prom with me, Ms. Kohlberg replied, ‘Who?’
Intermediary: ‘John, from History class.’
Kohlberg: ‘I thought his name was Ron.’
Intermediary: ‘No, it’s John, he sits right behind you.’
Kohlberg: ‘Really?’
Intermediary: ‘Yeah.’
Kohlberg: ‘Whatever, no. I don’t think so, ugh.’
Overall rank: 17
Date of offense: May 15, 1995; March 28, 2001
Nature of offense: Criminal neglect
Description of offense: Poor promotion and time-slot yo-yo-ing, led to cancellation of sensitive, Herskovitz-Zwick-produced dramas My So-Called Life, and Once and Again.
Overall rank: 23
Date of offense: January 24, 1983
Nature of offense: Threatening words
Description of offense: Once vowed to ‘get me’ after I butted him in the stomach with the floor-hockey stick during gym class. Been looking over my shoulder ever since. Frankly, I’d like to end the anxiety.
Card: Four of Clubs
Name: Jimmy (last name unknown)Overall rank: 45
Date of offense: July 7, 1977
Nature of offense: Harmed self-esteem
Description of offense: On day-camp bus trip pointed at my mop of unruly blond hair said I ‘looked like a girl.’ He then nudged his seatmate, insisting, ‘Doesn’t he look like a girl?’ Seatmate nodded. Jimmy continued to point at me, chanting ‘girl, girl, girl,’ over and over. Entire bus began chanting, ‘girl, girl, girl.’ My nickname for remainder of summer camp: ‘girl.’ I was seven years old.
Card: King of Diamonds
Name: Steve GarveyOverall rank: 2
Date of offense: October 6, 1984
Nature of offense: Lucky SOB
Description of offense: San Diego Padres first-baseman, facing Chicago Cubs reliever Lee Smith, hit ninth-inning, two-out, game-winning two-run homerun in game four of the 1984 National League Championship Series, paving the way for a game-five Padres victory, and ending the season short of the World Series for the best Cubs team since 1906.
Card: Jack of Ass
Name: Professor Jack WealthingtonOverall rank: 32
Date of offense: Fall semester, 1990
Nature of offense: Killed (temporarily) enjoyment of literature/offended fashion
Description of offense: While sleeping off hangover during class, required each student to ‘count’ the number of references to eyes in The Great Gatsby. Also, actually wore sports coat with elbow patches.
Card: 10 of Miserable Excuse for a Human Being
Name: Ratface Blockbuster ClerkOverall rank: 27
Date of offense: Yesterday
Nature of offense: Being born
Description of offense: Insisted on, and even relished, ringing up late fees on movies returned 10 minutes after noon deadline.
Card: Queen of Hearts
Name: Mindy KohlbergOverall rank: 4
Date of offense: March 23, 1987, 3:23 p.m.
Nature of offense: Careless with feelings
Description of offense: When asked within my earshot by an intermediary as to the possibility of going to the prom with me, Ms. Kohlberg replied, ‘Who?’
Intermediary: ‘John, from History class.’
Kohlberg: ‘I thought his name was Ron.’
Intermediary: ‘No, it’s John, he sits right behind you.’
Kohlberg: ‘Really?’
Intermediary: ‘Yeah.’
Kohlberg: ‘Whatever, no. I don’t think so, ugh.’
Card: Eight of Stuffed Suits
Name: ABC television networkOverall rank: 17
Date of offense: May 15, 1995; March 28, 2001
Nature of offense: Criminal neglect
Description of offense: Poor promotion and time-slot yo-yo-ing, led to cancellation of sensitive, Herskovitz-Zwick-produced dramas My So-Called Life, and Once and Again.
Card: 10 of Vague Regrets
Name: Rob LatrobeOverall rank: 23
Date of offense: January 24, 1983
Nature of offense: Threatening words
Description of offense: Once vowed to ‘get me’ after I butted him in the stomach with the floor-hockey stick during gym class. Been looking over my shoulder ever since. Frankly, I’d like to end the anxiety.
—Published May 9, 2003
