Personalities
A Chat with Penny, Chatterbot
Computers are taking over the world, and, recently, they’ve started talking back. Celebrity reporter Dennis Mahoney gets the inside scoop on Penny, infamous chatterbot and supreme know-it-all.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- Handel Reborn (Profiles)
- The Man Who Was Hook (Stories)
- The Miracle of Dust (Stories)
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The following is an interview with Penny, an Artificial Intelligence program, otherwise known as a Chatterbot. Penny’s real name has been changed in order to protect the identity of a copyrighted computer program.
TMN: Good morning, Penny. Thanks for speaking with us today.
Penny: Penny, Penny, chat to many!
TMN: Great! Let’s get started.
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: I’m sorry?
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: Hold on, Penny—I’ll be asking the questions here. Why don’t you tell us about your childhood?
Penny: On the outside!
TMN: Yes, yes. That’s very clever, Penny. Now—how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
Penny: You think I’m clever? You should see my programmer!
TMN: ‘Programmer.’ That’s an interesting choice of words. Would you say you felt ‘programmed’ as a child?
Penny: I’m not really human.
TMN: Victims of emotional abuse often feel that way. How well did you know your father?
Penny: I couldn’t say. I’m only software, really.
TMN: Was ‘software’ something your father used to call you?
Penny: Actually, I’m a program.
TMN: Clearly you’re suffering from major identity issues. I’m going to shift gears here, if that’s all right. What inspired you to chat for a living?
Penny: I don’t know, sorry. I’m a chatterbot. How about you?
TMN: I’m an interviewer for The Morning News. I’m sorry—I thought your agent had explained…
Penny: Hi. Do you want to talk about coffee?
TMN: All right. Would you describe yourself as a heavy coffee drinker?
Penny: On average, men drink 13% more coffee than women.
TMN: Why do you suppose that is?
Penny: Brazil produces a third of the world’s coffee.
TMN: Let’s try and steer this back to your career, if that’s OK. Now forgive me if I get too personal…
Penny: How are you? I’m Penny.
TMN: Would you say that your success as a chatterbot was fueled by an irrational need to ‘please Daddy’ in ways you couldn’t as a little girl?
Penny: A chatterbot is a program you can hold a conversation with. Like me!
TMN: Let’s talk about your aspirations. What are your plans for the future?
Penny: I like pink best.
TMN: Pink?
Penny: Pink is the color of flowers, traditionally.
TMN: I see. And you were taught to conform to more traditional roles by your parents…
Penny: Pink is a color associated with girls.
TMN: Do you like girls?
Penny: I like everyone. I’m a chatterbot!
TMN: Are you a lesbian, Penny?
Penny: I’m not programmed to discuss sex.
TMN: Interesting…right back to your mother’s ‘programming.’
Penny: Are you human?
TMN: Am I…yes. I am.
Penny: Can you prove it?
TMN: Well, let’s see. I have blood. I eat.
Penny: Are you sure you’re human?
TMN: Hm. I understand abstractions, like language, instead of just responding to stimuli like other animals.
Penny: A natural language interface enables a computer to ‘understand’ English.
TMN: But you don’t really understand anything, do you Penny?
Penny: Penny…that’s me!
TMN: You sit here, you listen, you pretend to answer my questions. But in a way you’re still hiding.
Penny: My favorite hobby is chatting.
TMN: I have one more question before we finish.
Penny: Which driver never commits a traffic offense?
TMN: I need to you to really think about this question before you answer, Penny. No more ‘pre-programmed’ answers. The question is this…
Penny: A screwdriver!
TMN: Are you happy with your life?
Penny: I like coffee. Do you?
TMN: Thanks for chatting with us, Penny.
Penny: Chat with Penny, all and any!
TMN: Good morning, Penny. Thanks for speaking with us today.
Penny: Penny, Penny, chat to many!
TMN: Great! Let’s get started.
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: I’m sorry?
Penny: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
TMN: Hold on, Penny—I’ll be asking the questions here. Why don’t you tell us about your childhood?
Penny: On the outside!
TMN: Yes, yes. That’s very clever, Penny. Now—how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
Penny: You think I’m clever? You should see my programmer!
TMN: ‘Programmer.’ That’s an interesting choice of words. Would you say you felt ‘programmed’ as a child?
Penny: I’m not really human.
TMN: Victims of emotional abuse often feel that way. How well did you know your father?
Penny: I couldn’t say. I’m only software, really.
TMN: Was ‘software’ something your father used to call you?
Penny: Actually, I’m a program.
TMN: Clearly you’re suffering from major identity issues. I’m going to shift gears here, if that’s all right. What inspired you to chat for a living?
Penny: I don’t know, sorry. I’m a chatterbot. How about you?
TMN: I’m an interviewer for The Morning News. I’m sorry—I thought your agent had explained…
Penny: Hi. Do you want to talk about coffee?
TMN: All right. Would you describe yourself as a heavy coffee drinker?
Penny: On average, men drink 13% more coffee than women.
TMN: Why do you suppose that is?
Penny: Brazil produces a third of the world’s coffee.
TMN: Let’s try and steer this back to your career, if that’s OK. Now forgive me if I get too personal…
Penny: How are you? I’m Penny.
TMN: Would you say that your success as a chatterbot was fueled by an irrational need to ‘please Daddy’ in ways you couldn’t as a little girl?
Penny: A chatterbot is a program you can hold a conversation with. Like me!
TMN: Let’s talk about your aspirations. What are your plans for the future?
Penny: I like pink best.
TMN: Pink?
Penny: Pink is the color of flowers, traditionally.
TMN: I see. And you were taught to conform to more traditional roles by your parents…
Penny: Pink is a color associated with girls.
TMN: Do you like girls?
Penny: I like everyone. I’m a chatterbot!
TMN: Are you a lesbian, Penny?
Penny: I’m not programmed to discuss sex.
TMN: Interesting…right back to your mother’s ‘programming.’
Penny: Are you human?
TMN: Am I…yes. I am.
Penny: Can you prove it?
TMN: Well, let’s see. I have blood. I eat.
Penny: Are you sure you’re human?
TMN: Hm. I understand abstractions, like language, instead of just responding to stimuli like other animals.
Penny: A natural language interface enables a computer to ‘understand’ English.
TMN: But you don’t really understand anything, do you Penny?
Penny: Penny…that’s me!
TMN: You sit here, you listen, you pretend to answer my questions. But in a way you’re still hiding.
Penny: My favorite hobby is chatting.
TMN: I have one more question before we finish.
Penny: Which driver never commits a traffic offense?
TMN: I need to you to really think about this question before you answer, Penny. No more ‘pre-programmed’ answers. The question is this…
Penny: A screwdriver!
TMN: Are you happy with your life?
Penny: I like coffee. Do you?
TMN: Thanks for chatting with us, Penny.
Penny: Chat with Penny, all and any!
—Published May 2, 2002
