Opinions
Zan: Summertime Superhero
You don’t have a house in the Hamptons, you don’t have a pool; hell, you don’t even have central air conditioning. Face it: the only thing that will save you this summer is a miracle, or a superhero. Dennis Mahoney explains.
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As superheroes storm the cineplexes of America and summer’s heat approaches like a giant, flaming meteor, ordinary citizens turn their thoughts toward a single, legendary individual, a man of peerless power and resolve, the only hero fit to handle our summertime needs: Zan, the Wonder Twin.
With a clarion cry of ‘Wonder Twin Powers…Activate!’ and a clink of their matching power rings, the Wonder Twins were always ready to lend a hand when the Superfriends had bigger fish to fry. Jayna could become whatever animal she chose, but Zan’s unique ability to take the form of water, ice, or mist makes him the ultimate summertime superhero.
Here are 25 ways to exploit Zan this season:
Form of: An Ice Cloud!
Purpose: Neutralize mosquitoes
Form of: A Regular Cloud!
Purpose: Shade—anywhere, anytime
Form of: A Self-Sustaining Sprinkler!
Purpose: Water-efficient lawn care
Form of: A Solid-Ice Beach Cooler!
Purpose: Prevent mayonnaise poisoning
Form of: An Oasis!
Purpose: Lure away unsavory company
Form of: A Store of Fresh Water!
Purpose: Preparation for hurricanes; nuclear/chemical/biological attacks
Form of: A Foot Bath!
Purpose: Clear sand from between toes
Form of: Ice Cubes!
Purpose: ‘Do the Right Thing’-style sex scenes
Form of: A Water Pail!
Purpose: Extinguish campfire
Form of: A Snowstorm!
Purpose: Baffle forecasters
Form of: Crushed Ice!
Purpose: Snowcones, shrimp buffet
Form of: An Ice Sculpture!
Purpose: Ice sculptures have no purpose
Form of: Supercooled Liquid!
Purpose: Freeze pipe bomb detonation mechanisms; kill anthrax; shatter terminator cyborgs
Form of: An Ice Piñata!
Purpose: Whacking
Form of: A Tiny Moat!
Purpose: Defense of sand castle
Form of: An Ice Cage!
Purpose: Trap Luthor
Form of: A Placid Pond!
Purpose: Drown your sorrows
Form of: Evaporating Water!
Purpose: Support hydrologic cycle
Form of: Water for ‘Slip ‘n Slide!’
Purpose: Hours of outdoor fun
Form of: Saline Solution!
Purpose: Mid-summer enema
Form of: A Gnarly Wave!
Purpose: Instant mastery of surfing
Form of: Wine!
Purpose: Proving you’re Jesus
Form of: Jacuzzi Water!
Purpose: Attracting women
Form of: Wet T-Shirt Contest Water!
Purpose: Attracting men
Form of: Zan!
Purpose: Attracting gay men
With a clarion cry of ‘Wonder Twin Powers…Activate!’ and a clink of their matching power rings, the Wonder Twins were always ready to lend a hand when the Superfriends had bigger fish to fry. Jayna could become whatever animal she chose, but Zan’s unique ability to take the form of water, ice, or mist makes him the ultimate summertime superhero.
Here are 25 ways to exploit Zan this season:
Form of: An Ice Cloud!
Purpose: Neutralize mosquitoes
Form of: A Regular Cloud!
Purpose: Shade—anywhere, anytime
Form of: A Self-Sustaining Sprinkler!
Purpose: Water-efficient lawn care
Form of: A Solid-Ice Beach Cooler!
Purpose: Prevent mayonnaise poisoning
Form of: An Oasis!
Purpose: Lure away unsavory company
Form of: A Store of Fresh Water!
Purpose: Preparation for hurricanes; nuclear/chemical/biological attacks
Form of: A Foot Bath!
Purpose: Clear sand from between toes
Form of: Ice Cubes!
Purpose: ‘Do the Right Thing’-style sex scenes
Form of: A Water Pail!
Purpose: Extinguish campfire
Form of: A Snowstorm!
Purpose: Baffle forecasters
Form of: Crushed Ice!
Purpose: Snowcones, shrimp buffet
Form of: An Ice Sculpture!
Purpose: Ice sculptures have no purpose
Form of: Supercooled Liquid!
Purpose: Freeze pipe bomb detonation mechanisms; kill anthrax; shatter terminator cyborgs
Form of: An Ice Piñata!
Purpose: Whacking
Form of: A Tiny Moat!
Purpose: Defense of sand castle
Form of: An Ice Cage!
Purpose: Trap Luthor
Form of: A Placid Pond!
Purpose: Drown your sorrows
Form of: Evaporating Water!
Purpose: Support hydrologic cycle
Form of: Water for ‘Slip ‘n Slide!’
Purpose: Hours of outdoor fun
Form of: Saline Solution!
Purpose: Mid-summer enema
Form of: A Gnarly Wave!
Purpose: Instant mastery of surfing
Form of: Wine!
Purpose: Proving you’re Jesus
Form of: Jacuzzi Water!
Purpose: Attracting women
Form of: Wet T-Shirt Contest Water!
Purpose: Attracting men
Form of: Zan!
Purpose: Attracting gay men
—Published May 10, 2002
