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September 19, 2003

Party Guide

The Morning News fourth-anniversary party is being held this Saturday and we hope you can make it. My guess is that a lot of people will come not knowing anyone. Some brave souls will strike up conversations with strangers; others will order a drink, stand around, then go home angry. Still more will bring a friend with them just in case they don’t know anyone, so at least they can bitch about not knowing a single goddamn person.

In case you’re in the middle category – I don’t know anyone, oh my God this is terrible why do I do this to myself wait, here’s someone, maybe they’re friendly, ‘Hi, are you here for The Morning News party? No? And this is your stool?’ God kill me now – here’s a guide to TMN folks who are confirmed attendees, so you can identify a friendly face in the crowd.

Rosecrans Baldwin: Will be wearing a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. WASP-y looking, POOF-ty acting. In his youth he was nearly as handsome as Clay Risen, now not quite.

Andrew Womack: Will be wearing a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. POOF-ty looking, WASP-y acting. Two stops short of Clay Risen good looks.

Sarah Hepola: Handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition. Frequently seen near Clay Risen, though rarely on Clay Risen.

Josh Allen: Neither dashingly handsome nor yet unbearably ugly, neither too stout nor yet too thin; it could not be claimed that he was old, but he was no stripling either. Body-double for Clay Risen in foreign markets.

Paul Ford: A man in cream-colors, his cheek is fair, his chin downy, his hair flaxen, his hat a white fur one, with a long fleecy nap. Thinks Clay Risen is the name of his tissue box.

Dennis Mahoney: That young man with the long, auburn hair and the impudent face – that young man was not really a poet; but surely he was a poem. Faints at the very whisper of ‘Clay Risen.’

Clay Risen: Always a let-down.

Hope to see you there!

Yours,
Rosecrans



Jello Llama


(Books used for this letter: Emma; Dead Souls; The Confidence-Man; The Man Who was Thursday.)

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