How To
The Non-Expert: Up With Golf
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN tries to explain exactly what is up with golf, having only played once.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
- Beloved Children's Books (Of Recent Note)
- Superpowers, Revealed (Of Recent Note)
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Question: What’s up with golf?
Answer: Man, I hear you. It’s like, there’s all these dudes I know who play—like it’s their religion, you know?—and then chicks play too, and we’ll go out that night and they’ll be talking about their scores and birdies and Big Berthas and I’ll be like: what’s up?
They say it’s fun. Whatever. A couple hours walking around some old dude’s lawn with a really heavy bag and your pants tied up around your knees, just to knock your ball in a couple holes and jump up and down because gravity works once again… not my cup of tea, capisce? As far as I can tell, it’s the only sport where you don’t have to exercise, which is cool, but I have a hard time hearing my buddies tell me they spent the day hiking the links and then bragging about their swing, and then they actually do it: they stand next to the bar and pretend they’re holding a club in their hands and then second-by-second, they’re explaining every little adjustment like they just invented NASA or some shit.
And you’re like, ‘Really? No way. Great. Um, I’ll be like, seeing you?’ and then you’re out.
But golf doesn’t have to suck. It could be cool, if they changed the rules a bit. You know, for dudes like us, if they came up with some other ways to play…
Other Ways to Play Golf to Make It Cool for Dudes Like Us
With Ammo
Bring all your regular stuff, but use live ammo, not the dummy bullets. When you actually hit someone, ditch the weapon and blame it on a hunter in the trees—this works because golfers are constantly worrying about hunters in the trees. Tell the dude he should have worn more orange. All this assumes you bring your gun to the golf course, which seems obvious.
Flirty-Like
Invite your best friend and his wife for a quick nine holes, just the three of you. Let him tee off. While he’s working up his swing, approach his wife and ask if you can carry her clubs to the next hole.
She’ll say, ‘But we’ve got a cart.’
You wink and answer, ‘Riiiiiighhhhht………,’ all flirty-like.
Repeat on each hole, offering to: walk her to the next hole; go for a bite to eat; take a pee-break; re-park the car; ‘just get away for a bit’; take the time to demonstrate a good wedge; hump; help her go to hell.
Operation Checklist
Get twelve friends together, and rent twelve carts. Do not bring clubs, do not bring tees…no balls, caps, collared shirts, or shoes with little metal thingies. Instead, supply alcohol, Bermuda shorts, and aviator sunglasses.
Drive onto the course and find an empty stretch of fairway. Each person should have a copy of the Checklist on a clipboard. Pens are good too. The person who completes the Checklist first, in order, wins.
1. Drink half of personal supply of alcohol
2. Locate friend, normally nice and cool, about 50 feet away that for some reason today reeks of loathing and ugliness
3. Drink other half of personal supply of alcohol; keep an eye on that dude
4. Realize ugly, spiteful, loathsome friend is directing all ugliness, spite, and loathe towards you
5. Invent battle chant. Murmur battle chant; repeat. Decent chants may include Ooooooh I’m gonna getcha or And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.
6. Charge
The Joey
Dress in 18 layers of clothes. Use all available shirts, pants, and shorts. At each hole, remove one layer. If anyone looks at you, say loudly ‘God—is it hot out here or what?’ At the last hole remove and fold your final layer, set it on top of your bag, scratch, and tell the closest player with relief, ‘Thank God that’s over.’
Really Really, No Seriously—Really High
Because you know that shit will be rad.
Question: What’s up with golf?
Answer: Man, I hear you. It’s like, there’s all these dudes I know who play—like it’s their religion, you know?—and then chicks play too, and we’ll go out that night and they’ll be talking about their scores and birdies and Big Berthas and I’ll be like: what’s up?
They say it’s fun. Whatever. A couple hours walking around some old dude’s lawn with a really heavy bag and your pants tied up around your knees, just to knock your ball in a couple holes and jump up and down because gravity works once again… not my cup of tea, capisce? As far as I can tell, it’s the only sport where you don’t have to exercise, which is cool, but I have a hard time hearing my buddies tell me they spent the day hiking the links and then bragging about their swing, and then they actually do it: they stand next to the bar and pretend they’re holding a club in their hands and then second-by-second, they’re explaining every little adjustment like they just invented NASA or some shit.
And you’re like, ‘Really? No way. Great. Um, I’ll be like, seeing you?’ and then you’re out.
But golf doesn’t have to suck. It could be cool, if they changed the rules a bit. You know, for dudes like us, if they came up with some other ways to play…
Other Ways to Play Golf to Make It Cool for Dudes Like Us
With Ammo
Bring all your regular stuff, but use live ammo, not the dummy bullets. When you actually hit someone, ditch the weapon and blame it on a hunter in the trees—this works because golfers are constantly worrying about hunters in the trees. Tell the dude he should have worn more orange. All this assumes you bring your gun to the golf course, which seems obvious.
Flirty-Like
Invite your best friend and his wife for a quick nine holes, just the three of you. Let him tee off. While he’s working up his swing, approach his wife and ask if you can carry her clubs to the next hole.
She’ll say, ‘But we’ve got a cart.’
You wink and answer, ‘Riiiiiighhhhht………,’ all flirty-like.
Repeat on each hole, offering to: walk her to the next hole; go for a bite to eat; take a pee-break; re-park the car; ‘just get away for a bit’; take the time to demonstrate a good wedge; hump; help her go to hell.
Operation Checklist
Get twelve friends together, and rent twelve carts. Do not bring clubs, do not bring tees…no balls, caps, collared shirts, or shoes with little metal thingies. Instead, supply alcohol, Bermuda shorts, and aviator sunglasses.
Drive onto the course and find an empty stretch of fairway. Each person should have a copy of the Checklist on a clipboard. Pens are good too. The person who completes the Checklist first, in order, wins.
1. Drink half of personal supply of alcohol
2. Locate friend, normally nice and cool, about 50 feet away that for some reason today reeks of loathing and ugliness
3. Drink other half of personal supply of alcohol; keep an eye on that dude
4. Realize ugly, spiteful, loathsome friend is directing all ugliness, spite, and loathe towards you
5. Invent battle chant. Murmur battle chant; repeat. Decent chants may include Ooooooh I’m gonna getcha or And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.
6. Charge
The Joey
Dress in 18 layers of clothes. Use all available shirts, pants, and shorts. At each hole, remove one layer. If anyone looks at you, say loudly ‘God—is it hot out here or what?’ At the last hole remove and fold your final layer, set it on top of your bag, scratch, and tell the closest player with relief, ‘Thank God that’s over.’
Really Really, No Seriously—Really High
Because you know that shit will be rad.
—Published November 15, 2002
