The Morning News

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Currently: bowing down before stalls of spring produce
Today’s Feature: “Girl Lessons” by Jessica Francis Kane
Digest: “Video Digest” by Meave Gallagher

How To

The Non-Expert: The Family-Update Christmas Letter

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, in preparation for the holidays and gossiping relatives, ROSECRANS BALDWIN helps a woman with her prose for bragging about her family’s achievements.

» Email this
» Save this

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rosecrans Baldwin
TMN Co-Editor in Chief Rosecrans Baldwin lives in Paris, France. He co-founded The Morning News with Andrew Womack in 1999 and has been waking up at 6 a.m. ever since. His personal web site is useless. Someday his ashes will be tossed off Mount Desert Island. His stories have appeared in The New York Times, New York, The Nation, NPR’s All Things Considered, and elsewhere. He does not have a beard.
» Advertise on TMN via the Deck

NEWSLETTER

Prize Lovers Apply Here

More addictive than heroin, more challenging than Sudoku: the TMN Map Quiz, delivered hot, fresh, and diabolical to your inbox every Friday.

» SIGN UP
Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.


* * *


Question: You guys had a while back a story by Leslie Harpold about thank-you notes, it was great. What about though the annual family Christmas letter? I forgot to buy Christmas cards this year and I wanted to know if there are any good tips for how not to sound like a total goofball. Thanks! —Lauren P.

Answer: Your request, our command. The family-update Christmas letter is a bizarre, laser-printed monster that comes unannounced and usually says too much, with too much pride. Why, in anyone’s case but your own, you would choose to send out a summary of your family’s successes instead of a pleasant card with a friendly reindeer on the cover, I don’t know—aren’t the people on the receiving end up to speed on your seven-year-old’s toils at Montessori school? And if they’re not, what makes you think they suddenly care?

But if you’re determined that, yes, they really do care, and you still want to send out a family Christmas letter, you should know we’ve received many in the past, and have noted the bad spots. So hopefully we can offer some informed counsel.

Paper/Design

Either go fancy, or go really chintzy. In the case of the former, try a Christmas-themed paper, maybe a pale-rose heavy stock with an embossed crimson border, and handwrite each letter. For chintzy, use a 1985 copy of Print Shop and the back of a flyer from church. Employ icons, particularly non-Christmassy ones, like dogs or bass clefs. That way, no matter how much you brag about your promotion, they’ll think you were just born tasteless.

Letterhead/Return Address

Unnecessary; leave it out. The point of the family Christmas letter (and some may say Christmas itself) is bragging, not exchanging. Plus, the only possible responses are an “unsubscribe-me-from-this-list” note, which is a depressing way to start the new year, or a reply with a similar summary, updating you on the life of the sender’s family, and if you had wanted to know about that you would have used a telephone in the first place, hello??!?

Date

No matter when you get around to licking a hundred envelopes and sticking a hundred stamps, pre-date the letter so you can blame the postal service for lateness. Even better, pre-date it to November, and then a week later send out postcards, dated for December, with something like “Fred’s bonus just came through—and doubled his salary!” or “When Carol told Granny about the baby, she offered to pay her entire college tuition, and the baby’s too!”

Salutation

Most likely you have a mixed audience of friends, co-workers, and relatives, so avoid being too familiar. A catch-all like “Dear all” or “Dear family & friends” works perfectly. Ones to avoid:
  • “Other chosen people”
  • “One nation under a groove”
  • “Loved ones, and liked ones”
  • “Bitches”

Opening Paragraph

Be brief, but gentle. Start with wishes of good health and cheer, and end with a large stroke of pleasant summary (“…so you can see, it’s been a good year in Denver” or “…but we still have all our limbs”).

It’s also important to be humble, since everyone knows you’re doing the opposite by sending out this letter. Something pleasant and thankful, but not cloying, will help the reader feel the letter was written solely for her—which is a lie, but not the sort that hurts for very long.

Secondary Paragraphs: Family Members’ Updates

The paragraphs following the introduction should be dedicated to individual members of the family. A few other tips:
  • Each paragraph following the first should reference the previous one with a short clause. This will build a sense of continuity and tie the letter together. E.g., “While Jeremy was leading the baseball squad, his older sister Tamara had her braces removed! ‘Finally,’ she sighed the other day (you know how teenagers are!), and though her calves are withered and spotty, she may be walking this time next year! Or a few years after.”
  • Grammar counts! Avoid letting your family members write their own paragraphs. Though it’s cute when a six-year-old writes like a six-year-old, it’s sad when his father does.
  • The only reason relatives want to hear about your family’s achievements is so they can despise you and mock your children. Avoid accolades and instead choose one of these fine topics for discussion: embarrassments; tragedies; public humiliations; travel.
  • In general you should write as brightly as possible and have fun with your letter, but make sure to avoid any points that are unnecessary. For example, here’s a paragraph that could be improved with editing:
    Our son Philip continues to attend Yale and enjoy his chemistry classes, and also his work with homeless children in Bridgeport. He is dating a woman named Amy, which is a Jewish name.
    Improvement:
    Our son Philip continues to enjoy a woman named Jewish Amy.

Closing Paragraph

This is your last chance to let your friends and relatives know how you truly feel. Be eloquent and brief, and aim for a connection. Here’s a template you can follow:
And that concludes another year in the [INSERT LAST NAME] household! We hope you too have had a [INSERT ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING YOUR PAST YEAR] and [INSERT ADJECTIVE DESCRIBING YOUR HUSBAND’S TESTICULAR CANCER] year just like us, and we hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

With lots of love until next year,
The [INSERT LAST NAME]s


—Published December 17, 2004