How To
The Non-Expert: Miscellaneous Concerns
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN empties out the mailbag and replies to a batch of questions, answering concerns about shoes, war, and impersonal lubricants.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- Ways We're Saving Money (Of Recent Note)
- When It Sizzles (Letters From Paris)
- 2008 Editors' Awards for Online Excellence (Awards)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
Also in How To
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
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We receive a lot of questions at the Non-Expert’s desk, and occasionally it’s satisfying to answer a batch of them at once with a severe eye for judgment, not only because none deserve more than a snarky one-line answer, but more that we’re incapable of any humor stretched over these topics for more than a few lines.
Question: Do men have as much as sex as they seem to in Maxim?—B.R.
Answer: No. Of course not. Last we checked, intercourse was less important in a real relationship than a night spent indoors playing gin rummy. Sex is an easily sold commodity, and you’re a sucker for wondering if it’s more than a) a method for having babies; or b) a way to prolong a relationship that’s clearly going nowhere. Anymore than two bouts a week of strenuous intercourse or low-key oral sex means you’re clearly not reading enough, enjoying conversation, or are quite deep in the pangs of a personal crisis with manifestations of anxiety or low self-esteem.
Question: What’s the best personal lubricant? Is there an impersonal lubricant?—Milly
Answer: Water-based. Aluminum.
Question: How should I cope with the war?—The Chief
Answer: Well, most people we know who are in favor of the war seem to be having an extremely good time while keeping a dour face in public. If you’re against, well, we hate to say it, but the war goes on with or without your permission. Go to all the protests you want if it makes you feel better, but your presence at the picket-lines doesn’t make one smidge of difference with the President. Yes, your vote counts, and yes, if six billion Americans stopped working for a week in protest, then the war would grind to a halt, but who are you kidding?
Instead, avoid listening to any self-important pundits (i.e., all, including yours truly), donate your money and time where you can, and think about your positions in light of accurate research and instinct, then try to live a good life of service, preferably to people nearby, of some variety. It’s all you can do.
Question: Is there a way to sleep with a boy and still have him respect you?—P.E.F.
Answer: You are a complete idiot.
Question: When do I become an adult?—Alex
Answer: When you’ve moved from credit card- to mortgage-debt.
Question: When should I give up my dream of becoming a rock star?—lacy_luck
Answer: At the exact moment of transition (see above).
Question: Are DJs musicians?—B.M.
Answer: Did you go to Brown?
Question: I was wondering if everyone has this dream of returning to their college campus to give a reading in that one auditorium?—Scott
Answer: Every form of indulging vanity has been dreamt about for centuries and simply remolded to fit the times, only most people seem to have higher aims… you’re dreaming about a reading in an auditorium? Do you also wonder how old you’ll have to be before you can buy Cocoa Pebbles?
Question: Is pornography wrong?—Mitchell
Answer: Yes.
Question: Should I move in with my girlfriend?—D.R.A.
Answer: Yes.
Question: Hey I was wondering what’s up with Jewish boys that like to talk about pimping? And is it me or do Jewish women give better head?—W.B.
Answer: Oh boy would we like to answer this, just ask us, oh boy would we!
Question: You know how people in the stix [sic] have above-ground swimming pools—what do people have like that in the city?—Els
Answer: Your grammar is atrocious, but the question’s sound. People in New York have:
1) Three air conditioners for a 600-square-foot apartment
2) $800 worth of sneakers but no bedframe for their mattress
3) An ecstasy habit and two cell phones
4) A $2,000 Acura with $3,000 rims + stereo
5) Symmetrical book stacking
6) Children
Question: My husband and I are moving to New York for his new job. What do guys there wear for shoes these days?—Anne
Answer: It’s been oft-quoted (as originally noted by Anthony Lane, recently paraphrased by Graydon Carter) that the grave of Hollywood charm was sealed when actors switched from leather to rubber shoes. And they’re not alone! Sneakers have swept the country like Christian pop, and it’s common now to see not only Art Directors but Ad Sales executives pushing new-fangled Nikes on their way to ‘try out’ bulimia. Though we’re glad to use our own tennis shoes for, well, tennis, or other aerobic activities, we find sneakers with suits (or sharply-pressed cords) acceptable only when:
1) You’re Wes Anderson
2) Your Oxfords were stolen by a bum with better sartorial taste, who left you with his ‘96 Air Max-es.
3) You’ve exhausted every possible footwear option and made the informed decision that sneakers are your best choice, since you have a debilitating spinal condition.
But fear not if you don’t fit these requirements! The American male is not fated to meet a Newly Balanced finish! There is hope!
Men in New York are quite aware of the black oxford’s enduring solemnity, as well as the loafer’s casual invitation to better events, especially dressed in the skin of endangered reptiles (and not with pennies, tassles, or a tag from J. Crew), and certainly the saddle shoe has a place in the same chambers of our hearts where we forgive ourselves for nostalgia, filling up on bread, or Jimmy Stewart films. Oxblood wingtips are sublimely courageous with a dark pair of jeans. Chelsea boots will forever be more stately outside of Chelsea. Flip-flops may certainly snare you your fair share of head in the East Village.
Did we mention Andy Spade has been spotted in stone-colored suede ankle boots? Genius.
We receive a lot of questions at the Non-Expert’s desk, and occasionally it’s satisfying to answer a batch of them at once with a severe eye for judgment, not only because none deserve more than a snarky one-line answer, but more that we’re incapable of any humor stretched over these topics for more than a few lines.
Question: Do men have as much as sex as they seem to in Maxim?—B.R.
Answer: No. Of course not. Last we checked, intercourse was less important in a real relationship than a night spent indoors playing gin rummy. Sex is an easily sold commodity, and you’re a sucker for wondering if it’s more than a) a method for having babies; or b) a way to prolong a relationship that’s clearly going nowhere. Anymore than two bouts a week of strenuous intercourse or low-key oral sex means you’re clearly not reading enough, enjoying conversation, or are quite deep in the pangs of a personal crisis with manifestations of anxiety or low self-esteem.
Question: What’s the best personal lubricant? Is there an impersonal lubricant?—Milly
Answer: Water-based. Aluminum.
Question: How should I cope with the war?—The Chief
Answer: Well, most people we know who are in favor of the war seem to be having an extremely good time while keeping a dour face in public. If you’re against, well, we hate to say it, but the war goes on with or without your permission. Go to all the protests you want if it makes you feel better, but your presence at the picket-lines doesn’t make one smidge of difference with the President. Yes, your vote counts, and yes, if six billion Americans stopped working for a week in protest, then the war would grind to a halt, but who are you kidding?
Instead, avoid listening to any self-important pundits (i.e., all, including yours truly), donate your money and time where you can, and think about your positions in light of accurate research and instinct, then try to live a good life of service, preferably to people nearby, of some variety. It’s all you can do.
Question: Is there a way to sleep with a boy and still have him respect you?—P.E.F.
Answer: You are a complete idiot.
Question: When do I become an adult?—Alex
Answer: When you’ve moved from credit card- to mortgage-debt.
Question: When should I give up my dream of becoming a rock star?—lacy_luck
Answer: At the exact moment of transition (see above).
Question: Are DJs musicians?—B.M.
Answer: Did you go to Brown?
Question: I was wondering if everyone has this dream of returning to their college campus to give a reading in that one auditorium?—Scott
Answer: Every form of indulging vanity has been dreamt about for centuries and simply remolded to fit the times, only most people seem to have higher aims… you’re dreaming about a reading in an auditorium? Do you also wonder how old you’ll have to be before you can buy Cocoa Pebbles?
Question: Is pornography wrong?—Mitchell
Answer: Yes.
Question: Should I move in with my girlfriend?—D.R.A.
Answer: Yes.
Question: Hey I was wondering what’s up with Jewish boys that like to talk about pimping? And is it me or do Jewish women give better head?—W.B.
Answer: Oh boy would we like to answer this, just ask us, oh boy would we!
Question: You know how people in the stix [sic] have above-ground swimming pools—what do people have like that in the city?—Els
Answer: Your grammar is atrocious, but the question’s sound. People in New York have:
1) Three air conditioners for a 600-square-foot apartment
2) $800 worth of sneakers but no bedframe for their mattress
3) An ecstasy habit and two cell phones
4) A $2,000 Acura with $3,000 rims + stereo
5) Symmetrical book stacking
6) Children
Question: My husband and I are moving to New York for his new job. What do guys there wear for shoes these days?—Anne
Answer: It’s been oft-quoted (as originally noted by Anthony Lane, recently paraphrased by Graydon Carter) that the grave of Hollywood charm was sealed when actors switched from leather to rubber shoes. And they’re not alone! Sneakers have swept the country like Christian pop, and it’s common now to see not only Art Directors but Ad Sales executives pushing new-fangled Nikes on their way to ‘try out’ bulimia. Though we’re glad to use our own tennis shoes for, well, tennis, or other aerobic activities, we find sneakers with suits (or sharply-pressed cords) acceptable only when:
1) You’re Wes Anderson
2) Your Oxfords were stolen by a bum with better sartorial taste, who left you with his ‘96 Air Max-es.
3) You’ve exhausted every possible footwear option and made the informed decision that sneakers are your best choice, since you have a debilitating spinal condition.
But fear not if you don’t fit these requirements! The American male is not fated to meet a Newly Balanced finish! There is hope!
Men in New York are quite aware of the black oxford’s enduring solemnity, as well as the loafer’s casual invitation to better events, especially dressed in the skin of endangered reptiles (and not with pennies, tassles, or a tag from J. Crew), and certainly the saddle shoe has a place in the same chambers of our hearts where we forgive ourselves for nostalgia, filling up on bread, or Jimmy Stewart films. Oxblood wingtips are sublimely courageous with a dark pair of jeans. Chelsea boots will forever be more stately outside of Chelsea. Flip-flops may certainly snare you your fair share of head in the East Village.
Did we mention Andy Spade has been spotted in stone-colored suede ankle boots? Genius.
—Published March 21, 2003
