How To
The Non-Expert: How to Hide a Dead Body
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week former ambulance driver and TMN co-publisher ROSECRANS BALDWIN describes the right way to stash a stiff when the cops are on your tail.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- Boats We Missed (Of Recent Note)
- The Hot ______ of the Summer (Of Recent Note)
- Staycations (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
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Question: How do you make a dead body disappear? I’m just curious. —Graham G.
Answer: I remember my first dead body. It was at my seventh-grade prom. Tracy and I went outside for a breath of fresh air and, I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure I was going to score.
She asked me if I thought the music sucked. I leaned in to say yes, and hopefully grab a kiss, when someone shot her through the neck. Apparently she owed the DJ money. I got my deposit back from the tux-rental shop, but don’t think it didn’t require a long night of scrubbing.
What I remember wondering first was, is she really dead? There’s a definite line between dead and almost anything else. If the body’s even slightly less than dead—say, mostly not-alive, or, dead-but-still-running—then you’ll want to call 9-1-1 or else you could be charged with criminal neglect.
Because the nice thing about a fully dead body is you can always pass the buck. How’d they die? Answer: Who cares? “Oh, officer, is she dead? Really? Dead as in all the way? Well I didn’t do it. Nope, I was just sitting here, reading the paper. She does look dead, though. I mean, she never was much of a napper, you know?”
First things first: do not expect your body to stay soft for more than a few hours. Rigor mortis will quickly kink up the joints, and it’s difficult to move a non-pliant corpse. No matter where you decide to stash the goods, move fast and be decisive. Know what you want, then go for it. It’s like mailing a large package, or pursuing a lover; don’t take “won’t bend” for an answer.
Also, keep an eye on the big picture. When it comes to erasing the remains of a human life, it’s really about you, your personal style, and how you like to present yourself. A wine snob and someone who guzzles White Zinfandel from a box do not bury the same way, I promise. Express yourself in your disposal. Don’t get stuck in doing what others expect! Choose an entombment process that says something about your values, and you’ll have an experience you can tell your grandkids about, assuming they can keep grandpa’s little secret.
How? Say it with me three times: location, location, location. You can fold a soft human in a hundred ways, but if you don’t have a smart final resting spot, tough cookies! A little real-estate research is the best way to start your burial plans, especially because every locale has its own quirks when it comes to pickling or dismemberment.
Home
Pros: Peace of mind and easy retrieval if the detectives start sniffing around. No more worrying a dog will dig up your body in the woods, or a fisherman might catch himself a juicy ankle. If for some reason you need an extra body for a dinner party, well you’ve got one! Plus it’s nice to keep things local. Why worry about another state’s zoning regulations and social mores concerning homicide?
Cons: Stench, complicity, and storage room. Which can all be avoided with smart planning. Invest in a set of plastic storage bins, a few tarps, and an axe. Wear gloves while you work, but play it safe by putting your son’s fingerprints on select body parts.
Work
Pros: The surprise factor. Who thinks of looking for a corpse in an office? Most likely if someone finds a dead body in a conference room, they’ll assume they’re in the wrong meeting. Be innovative—why not sit your cadaver in a wheelchair and leave him in the bathroom’s handicapped stall? Of course, none of this applies if you work in a morgue, or at Lehman Brothers.
Cons: Industrious janitors, though rare, can throw a wrench in the plans. Bribe them if they’re illegal immigrants, otherwise have them killed. Also, don’t even think about using the office fridge—anything in there for more than a week will be thrown away, and the person who wrote that sign wasn’t joking!
Reservoir/Cave/Remote Forest/Quarry/Mineshaft/Desert
Pros: Isolation, low visibility, few chances to be caught.
Cons: Kind of cliché, don’t you think?
Burning Building
Pros: The best way to say goodbye. No mess, and better still, no trail. Visit your local costume shop and buy a fireman’s coat and pants, and also pick up a police scanner at Radio Shack. When a fire’s announced on the emergency channel, get dressed, hop in the car, and bring your buddy! Make sure you choose the largest of the fires in your area, assuming you live in a large city. (If you don’t in live in a large city, what excuse have you got for killing people anyway?!)
When you arrive, toss the body over your shoulder and run directly into the fire. Onlookers will be so stunned by your bravery, they’ll never notice what you’re carrying! Find a pleasant hot spot and chuck the corpse into a bed of flames. Make sure to get some soot on your cheeks, then run back outside and grab a beer with the other heroes—you’ve earned it!
Cons: You may die.
Finally, a few tips of advice no matter where you dump your corpse. One, the human body is filled with gallons of foul-smelling fat tissue and fecal matter, so remember to wash your hands before you eat. Two, your dead body is nobody’s business, but that doesn’t mean you can’t brag about your job well done to a few close friends. Just make sure to whack them too. And three, when you’re sawing through your second femur, bear in mind you’re almost done and take a moment for reflection—your first time only comes once!
Question: How do you make a dead body disappear? I’m just curious. —Graham G.
Answer: I remember my first dead body. It was at my seventh-grade prom. Tracy and I went outside for a breath of fresh air and, I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure I was going to score.
She asked me if I thought the music sucked. I leaned in to say yes, and hopefully grab a kiss, when someone shot her through the neck. Apparently she owed the DJ money. I got my deposit back from the tux-rental shop, but don’t think it didn’t require a long night of scrubbing.
What I remember wondering first was, is she really dead? There’s a definite line between dead and almost anything else. If the body’s even slightly less than dead—say, mostly not-alive, or, dead-but-still-running—then you’ll want to call 9-1-1 or else you could be charged with criminal neglect.
Because the nice thing about a fully dead body is you can always pass the buck. How’d they die? Answer: Who cares? “Oh, officer, is she dead? Really? Dead as in all the way? Well I didn’t do it. Nope, I was just sitting here, reading the paper. She does look dead, though. I mean, she never was much of a napper, you know?”
First things first: do not expect your body to stay soft for more than a few hours. Rigor mortis will quickly kink up the joints, and it’s difficult to move a non-pliant corpse. No matter where you decide to stash the goods, move fast and be decisive. Know what you want, then go for it. It’s like mailing a large package, or pursuing a lover; don’t take “won’t bend” for an answer.
Also, keep an eye on the big picture. When it comes to erasing the remains of a human life, it’s really about you, your personal style, and how you like to present yourself. A wine snob and someone who guzzles White Zinfandel from a box do not bury the same way, I promise. Express yourself in your disposal. Don’t get stuck in doing what others expect! Choose an entombment process that says something about your values, and you’ll have an experience you can tell your grandkids about, assuming they can keep grandpa’s little secret.
How? Say it with me three times: location, location, location. You can fold a soft human in a hundred ways, but if you don’t have a smart final resting spot, tough cookies! A little real-estate research is the best way to start your burial plans, especially because every locale has its own quirks when it comes to pickling or dismemberment.
Home
Pros: Peace of mind and easy retrieval if the detectives start sniffing around. No more worrying a dog will dig up your body in the woods, or a fisherman might catch himself a juicy ankle. If for some reason you need an extra body for a dinner party, well you’ve got one! Plus it’s nice to keep things local. Why worry about another state’s zoning regulations and social mores concerning homicide?
Cons: Stench, complicity, and storage room. Which can all be avoided with smart planning. Invest in a set of plastic storage bins, a few tarps, and an axe. Wear gloves while you work, but play it safe by putting your son’s fingerprints on select body parts.
Work
Pros: The surprise factor. Who thinks of looking for a corpse in an office? Most likely if someone finds a dead body in a conference room, they’ll assume they’re in the wrong meeting. Be innovative—why not sit your cadaver in a wheelchair and leave him in the bathroom’s handicapped stall? Of course, none of this applies if you work in a morgue, or at Lehman Brothers.
Cons: Industrious janitors, though rare, can throw a wrench in the plans. Bribe them if they’re illegal immigrants, otherwise have them killed. Also, don’t even think about using the office fridge—anything in there for more than a week will be thrown away, and the person who wrote that sign wasn’t joking!
Reservoir/Cave/Remote Forest/Quarry/Mineshaft/Desert
Pros: Isolation, low visibility, few chances to be caught.
Cons: Kind of cliché, don’t you think?
Burning Building
Pros: The best way to say goodbye. No mess, and better still, no trail. Visit your local costume shop and buy a fireman’s coat and pants, and also pick up a police scanner at Radio Shack. When a fire’s announced on the emergency channel, get dressed, hop in the car, and bring your buddy! Make sure you choose the largest of the fires in your area, assuming you live in a large city. (If you don’t in live in a large city, what excuse have you got for killing people anyway?!)
When you arrive, toss the body over your shoulder and run directly into the fire. Onlookers will be so stunned by your bravery, they’ll never notice what you’re carrying! Find a pleasant hot spot and chuck the corpse into a bed of flames. Make sure to get some soot on your cheeks, then run back outside and grab a beer with the other heroes—you’ve earned it!
Cons: You may die.
Finally, a few tips of advice no matter where you dump your corpse. One, the human body is filled with gallons of foul-smelling fat tissue and fecal matter, so remember to wash your hands before you eat. Two, your dead body is nobody’s business, but that doesn’t mean you can’t brag about your job well done to a few close friends. Just make sure to whack them too. And three, when you’re sawing through your second femur, bear in mind you’re almost done and take a moment for reflection—your first time only comes once!
—Published September 17, 2004
