How To
The Non-Expert: Blind Dates & Classmates
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN explains the rules for blind dates, and names the woman behind the classmates.com banner ads.
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- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
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Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Question: My friend set me up on a blind-date with a girl he works with and I wanted to know is there any special protocol for blind dates that’s different from regular ones? This is my first blind date, but I’ve heard she’s nice.
Answer: There are different rules for blind dates, good thing you asked. A blind date, meaning you don’t know what the other person looks like, is a lot more dangerous and nerve-wracking than your average bar pick-up or second dinner. So many things can go wrong! The blind date requires faith: You must be dedicated to sharing your life story with someone you have little chance of enjoying. It will not be easy. The odds are against you. You will endure two to four hours of boring conversation, you will like two courses out of three at dinner, and there is a very small chance you’ll get laid.
First, it’s important to go in prepared. Here’s an exercise to simulate the complete blind date experience: Go outside. Find a busy sidewalk. Close your eyes and count to ten. Then open up and point at the first girl walking by and shout ‘Will you go home with me tonight?!’
Her answer is 94 percent guaranteed to predict the end of your date.
A blind date is harder than regular going-outs because it’s unlikely you know the other person in any way, aside from any gossip passed your way by the mutual friend. This means as well that anything he’s told you about her is likely to have been passed in the opposite direction, about you.
I.e., if he says ‘Well, she’s very nice, and she’s a really great person,’ then he’s also told her, in similarly coded terms, that you’re ugly.
And unfortunately, the blind date is largely about looks. You have, on average, one to four hours to judge someone as yea or nay, and most of your opinion will form in the first five minutes. We all know that what matters is on the inside, but on your date sans-yeux, it’s more about what’s on the inside of your shirt. Are you a model? Exceptionally handsome? Abs like firm produce? Of course not. So be prepared to be witty, dapper, funny, and smart. Or, at least pick up the check.
Then, walking home, remind yourself she would have gotten sick of gym-boy eventually, probably after a few weeks of three-times-a-night triple sow-cows.
THE RULES OF THE BLIND DATE
1) Don’t Bring A Gift
No one wants roses, and who needs candy on a nervous stomach? Bringing a gift on a first date says you felt the need to compensate for your personality. Rarely is a gift a cherry on an otherwise excellent sundae; it’s more like a cherry on a ham sandwich.
If you have to get her something, buy something cool, like a new faceplate for her Nokia cell phone. That way, when she reveals she owns a Motorola, you can be like, ‘Dude…beat. Guess I’ll have to pop it on mine.’
2) Choose a Decent Restaurant, with Obvious Exits
A step above Friendly’s, a notch below the Four Seasons. You want a booth or table that’s near the door, with your chair closest to the exit. This way, when the check’s been paid and conversation goes stale over coffee, you can nod to the door and hope she gets the clue.
If she asks about the nodding, explain it’s a tic related to your ‘relapse.’
3) Use the Bathroom to Call Friends
When the appetizers turn out to be more interesting than your story about seeing Blue Crush twice for the cinematography, there’s no better experience than lying about the date’s progress on the can to a friend who’s even more single than you are (at home, watching the Blue Crush trailer on the web).
4) Make After-Plans Ahead of Time
Very important. The check’s been paid, there’s an awkward exchange at the door where you tried to cop a kiss, then played like it was a custom in your country for saying goodbye to someone you’ve never met before. Now is not the time to go home alone. Face it: You’d climb the stairs, hang your coat, then crawl into bed and catalog your faults. You’d even skip brushing your teeth. Tragic.
Instead, have three loyal friends, preferably of the opposite sex, waiting at a bar nearby. They will slowly explain over shots of Sambuca exactly why she didn’t ‘get’ you and probably never would, even if you kept that Blue Crush thing a secret, avoided the tic bit, or passed on the last-minute foreigner makeout.
This also allows for copious drinking (you will be excused for a half-dozen apple martinis), possibly to black-out stage, which means your burning shame will become vapors in the morning.
5) Swear to Never Blind Date Again
Don’t worry; you can swear now and break it two weeks later. Everybody does. If you have a big ethical problem committing to a vow, you can modify the promise and tell yourself you’ll never watch Blind Date again. This is actually a better contract; too much Roger Lodge and you start to believe he’s human.
All of these rules, however, assume your blind date will go horribly. This is not necessarily true, just the experience of millions before you. Hopefully you’ll beat the overwhelming odds.
Also, all of this changes if she actually is blind, in which case you should wear a pair of sunglasses so she doesn’t feel conspicuous.
* * *
Question: Who IS that blonde girl with the perfect flip hairdo in the classmates.com banner ads? Surely to God someone on the internet really went to high school with her, and gets freaked out by her face whenever they check their Betty Boop auctions on eBay. That’s the kind of journalism I could get behind.
Answer: Then please, hop in the back. We spoke with Karli Overmier, an account executive at Barokas Public Relations, which represents Classmates.com. It turns out that the woman in those ads is Sharon Conrads. Sharon Conrads, otherwise known as the wife of Classmates.com founder Randy Conrads. ‘Sharon’s picture is featured on billions of banners across the Internet,’ Karli told us.
Of course. Because when you start a company, the first thing you think is ‘Gee, I should use my wife’s yearbook photo as the centerpiece of our ad campaign!’ You can imagine the conversation…
Randy: Hey honey?
Sharon: Yes…Randy?
Randy: How about using that old yearbook photo of yours for our advertising campaign?
Sharon: You mean, my yearbook picture from high school? The flip-I-won’t-live-down picture? The one where I showed up for picture day hungover, zit-blasted, and retaining water?
Randy: Exactly.
Sharon: Yeah, right. Pffft.
Randy: How about we flip a coin?
Sharon: And if I win?
Randy: We’ll use my yearbook picture.
Sharon: With the hairlip?
Randy: You got it.
Sharon: All right, fine. Tails.
[coin is flipped; heads is shown]
Randy: Ha! Sucker.
[cackles, shows trick coin, heads on both sides]
Sharon: [sighs] I don’t know why I always fall for that.
Question: My friend set me up on a blind-date with a girl he works with and I wanted to know is there any special protocol for blind dates that’s different from regular ones? This is my first blind date, but I’ve heard she’s nice.
Answer: There are different rules for blind dates, good thing you asked. A blind date, meaning you don’t know what the other person looks like, is a lot more dangerous and nerve-wracking than your average bar pick-up or second dinner. So many things can go wrong! The blind date requires faith: You must be dedicated to sharing your life story with someone you have little chance of enjoying. It will not be easy. The odds are against you. You will endure two to four hours of boring conversation, you will like two courses out of three at dinner, and there is a very small chance you’ll get laid.
First, it’s important to go in prepared. Here’s an exercise to simulate the complete blind date experience: Go outside. Find a busy sidewalk. Close your eyes and count to ten. Then open up and point at the first girl walking by and shout ‘Will you go home with me tonight?!’
Her answer is 94 percent guaranteed to predict the end of your date.
A blind date is harder than regular going-outs because it’s unlikely you know the other person in any way, aside from any gossip passed your way by the mutual friend. This means as well that anything he’s told you about her is likely to have been passed in the opposite direction, about you.
I.e., if he says ‘Well, she’s very nice, and she’s a really great person,’ then he’s also told her, in similarly coded terms, that you’re ugly.
And unfortunately, the blind date is largely about looks. You have, on average, one to four hours to judge someone as yea or nay, and most of your opinion will form in the first five minutes. We all know that what matters is on the inside, but on your date sans-yeux, it’s more about what’s on the inside of your shirt. Are you a model? Exceptionally handsome? Abs like firm produce? Of course not. So be prepared to be witty, dapper, funny, and smart. Or, at least pick up the check.
Then, walking home, remind yourself she would have gotten sick of gym-boy eventually, probably after a few weeks of three-times-a-night triple sow-cows.
THE RULES OF THE BLIND DATE
1) Don’t Bring A Gift
No one wants roses, and who needs candy on a nervous stomach? Bringing a gift on a first date says you felt the need to compensate for your personality. Rarely is a gift a cherry on an otherwise excellent sundae; it’s more like a cherry on a ham sandwich.
If you have to get her something, buy something cool, like a new faceplate for her Nokia cell phone. That way, when she reveals she owns a Motorola, you can be like, ‘Dude…beat. Guess I’ll have to pop it on mine.’
2) Choose a Decent Restaurant, with Obvious Exits
A step above Friendly’s, a notch below the Four Seasons. You want a booth or table that’s near the door, with your chair closest to the exit. This way, when the check’s been paid and conversation goes stale over coffee, you can nod to the door and hope she gets the clue.
If she asks about the nodding, explain it’s a tic related to your ‘relapse.’
3) Use the Bathroom to Call Friends
When the appetizers turn out to be more interesting than your story about seeing Blue Crush twice for the cinematography, there’s no better experience than lying about the date’s progress on the can to a friend who’s even more single than you are (at home, watching the Blue Crush trailer on the web).
4) Make After-Plans Ahead of Time
Very important. The check’s been paid, there’s an awkward exchange at the door where you tried to cop a kiss, then played like it was a custom in your country for saying goodbye to someone you’ve never met before. Now is not the time to go home alone. Face it: You’d climb the stairs, hang your coat, then crawl into bed and catalog your faults. You’d even skip brushing your teeth. Tragic.
Instead, have three loyal friends, preferably of the opposite sex, waiting at a bar nearby. They will slowly explain over shots of Sambuca exactly why she didn’t ‘get’ you and probably never would, even if you kept that Blue Crush thing a secret, avoided the tic bit, or passed on the last-minute foreigner makeout.
This also allows for copious drinking (you will be excused for a half-dozen apple martinis), possibly to black-out stage, which means your burning shame will become vapors in the morning.
5) Swear to Never Blind Date Again
Don’t worry; you can swear now and break it two weeks later. Everybody does. If you have a big ethical problem committing to a vow, you can modify the promise and tell yourself you’ll never watch Blind Date again. This is actually a better contract; too much Roger Lodge and you start to believe he’s human.
All of these rules, however, assume your blind date will go horribly. This is not necessarily true, just the experience of millions before you. Hopefully you’ll beat the overwhelming odds.
Also, all of this changes if she actually is blind, in which case you should wear a pair of sunglasses so she doesn’t feel conspicuous.
Answer: Then please, hop in the back. We spoke with Karli Overmier, an account executive at Barokas Public Relations, which represents Classmates.com. It turns out that the woman in those ads is Sharon Conrads. Sharon Conrads, otherwise known as the wife of Classmates.com founder Randy Conrads. ‘Sharon’s picture is featured on billions of banners across the Internet,’ Karli told us.
Of course. Because when you start a company, the first thing you think is ‘Gee, I should use my wife’s yearbook photo as the centerpiece of our ad campaign!’ You can imagine the conversation…
Randy: Hey honey?
Sharon: Yes…Randy?
Randy: How about using that old yearbook photo of yours for our advertising campaign?
Sharon: You mean, my yearbook picture from high school? The flip-I-won’t-live-down picture? The one where I showed up for picture day hungover, zit-blasted, and retaining water?
Randy: Exactly.
Sharon: Yeah, right. Pffft.
Randy: How about we flip a coin?
Sharon: And if I win?
Randy: We’ll use my yearbook picture.
Sharon: With the hairlip?
Randy: You got it.
Sharon: All right, fine. Tails.
[coin is flipped; heads is shown]
Randy: Ha! Sucker.
[cackles, shows trick coin, heads on both sides]
Sharon: [sighs] I don’t know why I always fall for that.
—Published October 10, 2002
